America hasn't declared war for over 70 years because, politically speaking, it's actually easier to send a quarter million troops into a country than it is to declare war against it. Which is why it's strange that someone at Fox News declares a new war every 11 seconds. They use that word so desperately and often that if you taught a child that "war" meant "HELP!" he would produce perfect Fox News copy every time you dropped him in a well. Here are some of the greatest military campaigns ever fought by this fair and balanced army.
8Obama's War on Religion
If Obama goes longer than five minutes without thanking God, someone at Fox News accuses him of religious warfare. If he hides an egg too prominently, they consider it an insurgent strike against Easter. If he wears pants, the Fox headline reads, "Obama Hiding Paddle Marks Given by Erotic Kenyan Deathgods?" They tell viewers every day how persecuted they are as Christians, but they share the most common religion in a country where you're allowed to worship anything. In fact, the only way a Christian can really suffer in America is by spending hours every day searching news feeds for any scrap of Christian persecution. So I guess from their strange perspective, being a Christian is, in fact, a pain in the ass.
One of the biggest Fox News stories of last year was about Obama directly attacking the Catholic church by requiring health care providers to provide birth control. Since we're dealing with actual statistics here, this is the perfect story to help get a baseline on what this news organization considers a "direct attack." There are about 78 million Catholics in the country, and 2 percent of them still practice the rhythm method. From that small but very pregnant group, about 0.0000001 percent own insurance companies. Among those, let's say 80 percent regulate their company based on God's infallible administrative policies. Now, I only do insurance statistics as a hobby, but according to my numbers, this particular war on the Catholic church affected the lower half of approximately one specific guy. Instead of calling all those belligerent religious pundits into the studio, maybe they could have taken up a collection to reimburse that guy for the condom.
7The Left's War on Christmas
I get that each day is a struggle for Christians trying to survive in this rarely non-Christian environment. You probably haven't heard of it, but Real America has been fighting for a holiday known as "Christmas" for decades. Because of secular attacks, Christmas now only takes up 25 percent of all human time. If you think there is a War on Christmas, you're at best a shitbrained nutbag, yet highly educated Bill O'Reilly has said several times that the war was real and his side won. Unfortunately, winning an imaginary war only you can see is like jerking off into a tube sock and bragging that you sweet-talked it into anal.
I don't know why the privileged are always trying to convince us they're victims. There's certainly a dignity in surviving a hardship, but not when you brought it on yourself and all you did was complain about it. The only real plight of the white Christian is that he has an impossible amount to prove. It's why we're the only race that hunts ghosts and chases Bigfoot.
Muslim community center managers and Holocaust survivors can't understand what poor Christians go through when they see a Christmas tree being called a "holiday tree," but that kind of sarcasm isn't fair. Everyone's idea of struggle is different, and Fox News is a mouthpiece for rich white people who have the very firstest of First World problems. Somebody's life always sucks more than yours, and all complainers sound like vaginal lubricants when you add the context of actual misery. For instance, when you fuss about a roommate who can't figure out how to wash a dish, there's a Burmese roommate who can't figure out how to disarm a land mine. So instead of mocking Fox News for being dramatic pansies, I'll examine their position.
The best way to tell if someone is a passionate activist or a contentious fuck is to examine their endgame. Let's see what conservatives get if they "win" the war on Christmas. Say a town is under siege by bored atheists to remove a baby Jesus from a state park's Nativity scene. Those godless protestors are obviously seeking out their own oppression where there is none, but so is Fox News, so that's a wash. And to be honest, the Fox people always seem unsatisfied with the number of baby Jesuses. Last year, the Obamas' Christmas card featured his dog instead of his Insecure Lord, and Fox News called it, no bullshit, Christmas Under Attack!
A cute dog frolicking in pure Christmas snow? Not in my God's America, Hadji.
If you've had your toothpaste taken away by airport security or received a parking ticket for being an inch over some line, you get why Christians are upset. We live under thousands of nitpicky regulations designed to protect you, but they're mostly used by sad little bitches to ruin your day. And if you're hassling someone over a Jesus, "little bitch" might be a generous way to describe you. Now, there's no elegant policy for dealing with broken, horrible people. If you're a self-important jackass, you demand that Jesus stays in the manger, but that makes your religious organization look like both pushy dicks and whiny victims while wasting time that could have been spent on any hundreds of activities that express a Christian value. Plus, even if you convince some official to bend the rules for your plastic Jesus, you've helped no living person do or learn anything. So clearly Christmas isn't being defended for any kind of "good."
So is it a freedom argument? Kind of. You could always find a 5-year-old if you need "freedom of religion" explained, but it doesn't quite mean you get to leave babies laying around wherever. Conservative or not, no one wants to win the argument that religions are free to do whatever and fuck you. And remember, they are grown-ass people at Fox News -- they're not really dumb enough to think that everyone can just be Christian and like it. That means the War on Christmas is only them trying to come out on top in tribal warfare they themselves are manufacturing. And philosophically speaking, when your sense of social responsibility extends only to blindly "winning" for your side at all costs, you're not exactly enlightened. You're closer to the chimpanzee word for "ass parasite."