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The 8 Greatest Wars Ever Fought by Fox News

America hasn't declared war for over 70 years because, politically speaking, it's actually easier to send a quarter million troops into a country than it is to declare war against it. Which is why it's strange that someone at Fox News declares a new war every 11 seconds. They use that word so desperately and often that if you taught a child that "war" meant "HELP!" he would produce perfect Fox News copy every time you dropped him in a well. Here are some of the greatest military campaigns ever fought by this fair and balanced army.

#8. Obama's War on Religion

If Obama goes longer than five minutes without thanking God, someone at Fox News accuses him of religious warfare. If he hides an egg too prominently, they consider it an insurgent strike against Easter. If he wears pants, the Fox headline reads, "Obama Hiding Paddle Marks Given by Erotic Kenyan Deathgods?" They tell viewers every day how persecuted they are as Christians, but they share the most common religion in a country where you're allowed to worship anything. In fact, the only way a Christian can really suffer in America is by spending hours every day searching news feeds for any scrap of Christian persecution. So I guess from their strange perspective, being a Christian is, in fact, a pain in the ass.

One of the biggest Fox News stories of last year was about Obama directly attacking the Catholic church by requiring health care providers to provide birth control. Since we're dealing with actual statistics here, this is the perfect story to help get a baseline on what this news organization considers a "direct attack." There are about 78 million Catholics in the country, and 2 percent of them still practice the rhythm method. From that small but very pregnant group, about 0.0000001 percent own insurance companies. Among those, let's say 80 percent regulate their company based on God's infallible administrative policies. Now, I only do insurance statistics as a hobby, but according to my numbers, this particular war on the Catholic church affected the lower half of approximately one specific guy. Instead of calling all those belligerent religious pundits into the studio, maybe they could have taken up a collection to reimburse that guy for the condom.

#7. The Left's War on Christmas

I get that each day is a struggle for Christians trying to survive in this rarely non-Christian environment. You probably haven't heard of it, but Real America has been fighting for a holiday known as "Christmas" for decades. Because of secular attacks, Christmas now only takes up 25 percent of all human time. If you think there is a War on Christmas, you're at best a shitbrained nutbag, yet highly educated Bill O'Reilly has said several times that the war was real and his side won. Unfortunately, winning an imaginary war only you can see is like jerking off into a tube sock and bragging that you sweet-talked it into anal.

I don't know why the privileged are always trying to convince us they're victims. There's certainly a dignity in surviving a hardship, but not when you brought it on yourself and all you did was complain about it. The only real plight of the white Christian is that he has an impossible amount to prove. It's why we're the only race that hunts ghosts and chases Bigfoot.

Muslim community center managers and Holocaust survivors can't understand what poor Christians go through when they see a Christmas tree being called a "holiday tree," but that kind of sarcasm isn't fair. Everyone's idea of struggle is different, and Fox News is a mouthpiece for rich white people who have the very firstest of First World problems. Somebody's life always sucks more than yours, and all complainers sound like vaginal lubricants when you add the context of actual misery. For instance, when you fuss about a roommate who can't figure out how to wash a dish, there's a Burmese roommate who can't figure out how to disarm a land mine. So instead of mocking Fox News for being dramatic pansies, I'll examine their position.

The best way to tell if someone is a passionate activist or a contentious fuck is to examine their endgame. Let's see what conservatives get if they "win" the war on Christmas. Say a town is under siege by bored atheists to remove a baby Jesus from a state park's Nativity scene. Those godless protestors are obviously seeking out their own oppression where there is none, but so is Fox News, so that's a wash. And to be honest, the Fox people always seem unsatisfied with the number of baby Jesuses. Last year, the Obamas' Christmas card featured his dog instead of his Insecure Lord, and Fox News called it, no bullshit, Christmas Under Attack!


A cute dog frolicking in pure Christmas snow? Not in my God's America, Hadji.

If you've had your toothpaste taken away by airport security or received a parking ticket for being an inch over some line, you get why Christians are upset. We live under thousands of nitpicky regulations designed to protect you, but they're mostly used by sad little bitches to ruin your day. And if you're hassling someone over a Jesus, "little bitch" might be a generous way to describe you. Now, there's no elegant policy for dealing with broken, horrible people. If you're a self-important jackass, you demand that Jesus stays in the manger, but that makes your religious organization look like both pushy dicks and whiny victims while wasting time that could have been spent on any hundreds of activities that express a Christian value. Plus, even if you convince some official to bend the rules for your plastic Jesus, you've helped no living person do or learn anything. So clearly Christmas isn't being defended for any kind of "good."

So is it a freedom argument? Kind of. You could always find a 5-year-old if you need "freedom of religion" explained, but it doesn't quite mean you get to leave babies laying around wherever. Conservative or not, no one wants to win the argument that religions are free to do whatever and fuck you. And remember, they are grown-ass people at Fox News -- they're not really dumb enough to think that everyone can just be Christian and like it. That means the War on Christmas is only them trying to come out on top in tribal warfare they themselves are manufacturing. And philosophically speaking, when your sense of social responsibility extends only to blindly "winning" for your side at all costs, you're not exactly enlightened. You're closer to the chimpanzee word for "ass parasite."

#6. The Liberal War on Success

In America, 99 percent of the money belongs to about 300 men. Those men are certain you want their money, and if you've ever wanted money for any reason, they're probably right. It's turned the rich into paranoid hoarders, and for some reason they pay Fox News to tell us all about it. For example, they warn that if the rich are forced to pay more taxes, they might fire all of America's employees out of sheer pettiness. They refer to billionaires as "job creators" instead of "human hunters." They call it a War on Success if you apply basic economic theories to the financial crisis. And they accuse you of communism if you notice that any of this is retarded. Hell, they may claim that I declared a War on Grammar for this not say end of sentence right.


And if he didn't, would that make us, like, dumbasses?

After dozens of articles, I still wasn't sure how or why the liberals would destroy the rich, so I searched around their site for more information. I found this ...

#6. The Liberal War on the Poor

Wait, what?

Jesus, Fox News, I can't even tell which of us is the confused one anymore.

#5. Obama's War on Fossil Fuels

Obama is often criticized for having done nothing while in office, yet according to Fox News, he's declared war against nearly all known words and objects-- especially the kind you can burn for fuel. Coal, natural gas, oil ... he will destroy them all, because he hates jobs and electric bills. Obama supports cap-and-trade policies that make power suppliers pay for the amount of pollution they produce. It's these same policies that force conservative leaders to buy a $3,800 carbon credit whenever they pass a Chick-Fil-A sandwich.

As you may have noticed by now, these "wars" aren't really anything close to wars. Emissions trading is about creating a financial incentive to cut down on pollutants. Admittedly, this absolutely sucks for the coal industry, which is based on turning lumps of rock into black clouds of emphysema. Burning coal for energy is barely more efficient than lighting your face on fire to poach an egg in your mouth. But what if you don't believe in global warming and think the environment is some fruity thing God put here for bulldozer races? It must seem like mindless, job-destroying evil then, right?

So let's forget about the environmental argument. When the Earth has a problem with us, it'll stop being a coward and make Godzillas. For most conservatives, the only concern is jobs. Who cares if it's hard to fix a hole in the ozone layer? So is filling out unemployment papers. If Obama cured all mortality tomorrow, Fox News would accuse his office of attacking mortuary cosmetologists. Still, they're right -- restrictions on fossil fuels remove cushy jobs from the coal mining community. Forcing a power plant to pay for its pollution is like taxing Pizza Hut for the size of its customers -- you cut down on sludge runoff, but everyone gets fired. The unemployment issue gets more complicated when you consider that for every coal worker who loses his job, two people live longer from lack of air pollution. What are coal states supposed to do to maintain their way of life? Give miners jobs as hit men and have them murder everyone who would have died of pulmonary disease? Shit, let's hope they don't think of that.

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