Decades of bad pop culture and the desperate schemes of mad inventors have left our world with an overstock of stupid shit, and now our world is passing the savings on to you! With search phrases I really, really hope Amazon.com forgets about, I've scoured the darkest corners of its sprawling product database to find eight awful things you can buy for only $0.01, and every single one of them is overpriced.
The Macarena was originally designed by conservative parents to convince their gay children to not grow up to be dancers. Later, it was used by the military to see if it was possible to weaponize a wedding DJ's quiet rage. It's a combination of waving and rotating so easy to do that nearby people in wheelchairs will ask you to stop patronizing them. Gorillas use it as the sign language word for urinary tract infections. As for learning it, it's actually harder to not know how to do the Macarena because it involves going back in time and convincing your mother it's okay to drink hi-yield insecticide. I guess my point is, if you're buying a tape on it, get your affairs in order. Natural selection has been training for millions of years to get things exactly like you the fuck out of the gene pool.
This VHS tape is worth 500 times less than the postage needed to mail it and it runs 30 times longer than a convincing speech about why you should never do the Macarena. By my math, you would have to beat a dog with a 6" Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki to find a faster, more affordable way to tell the world you're an asshole. When you order this, Amazon.com tells you that it is frequently bought with a rope and an unsigned suicide note.
If I had to pick two words to describe myself, I'd either pick "Cock Tornado" or "Robocop Twice." This bumper sticker seems designed for people with lower self esteem. Dog---- Breath? Maybe this is for vegans who want to share the horrible things their body needs to do in order to dissolve chicory, but don't have time to breathe on everyone.
Maybe it's for serial killers to explain why their car smells like a decaying runaway? Is this just a badly translated label from a Chinese pet euthanizing bag? It makes no sense why someone would drive in a car labelled "Dog---- Breath." And that scares me, because when I can't figure something like this out it always ends up being a sex thing. This sticker is almost certainly a discreet way to tell ladies that you're not picky about looks and your face is a toilet.
I thought the crossed out "shit" is what really makes this bumper sticker special. It felt like a look behind the curtain of the humor(?) writer's process. "Should the bumper say Dog Breath... or Dogshit Breath? Holy fuck, why not kind of both?" Unfortunately, after reading the Product Features, I realized I was giving this bumper sticker author too much credit:
After writing this generation's "How's-My-Driving-Call-1-800-EAT-SHIT," this poor guy had to have an email exchange with the morality department of an auction site trafficking used dildos, retake non-obscene pictures of his product, rewrite its description to sound more victimized, and today... if he sells out his entire stock he's looking to make $0.06 before taxes. I'm starting to think that reality television lied to us-- there doesn't seem to be any money in being a fucking idiot.
Hi, hipsters. Has this every happened to you? You desperately want to tell a camera about your remedial sense of humor but your finger with the moustache tattooed on it smells too much like dickhole to put near your nose? That's why you need Paparazzi Shades, you witless piece of human trash! They make the several seconds after explaining that you're not coming from cataract surgery nearly hilarious!
You usually see black censored bars over the eyes of the people in a group photo who didn't recently go missing, so be careful if you look around and notice you're the only one not wearing Paparazzi Shades. I wouldn't worry about that happening, though. Novelty items don't usually get marked down from $24.95 to $00.01 when they're a runaway success. These are so worthless that if a malnourished Bangladeshi girl's hair falls into the box while she's manufacturing a pair of Paparazzi Shades, they quadruple in value. So yes, I'm saying that Paparazzi Shades are at least the number one reason Bangladeshi factory children aren't fed. And you thought they were just figuratively the worst things ever.
What color are your balls? Wait, what? This has to be some kind of edgy video game promotion, or maybe a way for a jugglers to tell each other they're rapists. It can't just be a clumsy, context-free reference to ball balls, can it? Let's look at the Product Description...
Huh. "Sex, men, genitals, testicle, nuts, gonads." I guess that explains that. Though it doesn't explain why the person asking me about my balls has shark teeth on his, or what his endgame might be. Is he hoping I'm also frustrated with my sex life and we'll make some kind of gentleman's agreement to put on wigs and clinically milk each other? Is he an alien trying to decorate a cake? I love that it's only one cent, but I really wouldn't mind spending a bit more for a pin that makes a god damn bit of sense.