The 7 Worst Excuses Given by People Caught Being Perverts

#3. Evidence Gathering

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There's something noble about making a sacrifice for the greater good, for exposing yourself to darkness and evil in order to vanquish those things. Effectively this is what undercover police officers do -- they take on the guise of criminals, they engage in nefarious acts in order to catch other criminals. If that example isn't awesome enough, there's also Batman. He does what he has to do for justice, man. He lives in the shadows. He's the hero Gotham needs or the one it ordered but didn't receive or something like that. He's awesome!

Like Batman, Don Samuelson works in darkness. Unlike Batman, the darkness Samuelson works in was generally the darkness created by the opacity of human thighs that don't allow the passage of light, hidden up in skirts as they were. Samuelson was the kind of hero who, in his capacity as a college professor, used a spy camera hidden in a pen to take upskirt photos of students. He was the Dark Vagina Knight.

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"We will destroy panties, and then, when it is done and all the panties are ashes, then you have my permission to die."

Normal upskirt photographers are the villainous sort, the kind who just want to see some stray uterus or whatever, but Samuelson was on a quest for justice. His photography was evidence gathering, you see, in an effort to prove that the students he was filming were not wearing undergarments and were therefore being inappropriate. Once he gathered that sweet, pubic evidence, he was so going to Batarang it, which is vigilante slang for fapping.

Sadly for the erstwhile Caped Poonsader, his videos and pictures of boobs and cleavage made his excuse fall apart, and he had to admit that, yeah, he was just a creepy old perv dude.

#2. The Cat Did It

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Not so long ago in the grand scheme of things I cooked up some pork chops for dinner. Nothing fancy, just a little grilling, a little spice, a perfectly cooked cut of tasty ass meat. Not that it came from the ass, I don't think that's where chops are from, but you get the idea. It was a good pork chop. As I lifted that pork chop on my fork, the cat jumped onto the arm of the chair next to me. We had that brief moment in which the passage of time seemed to slow as we made eye contact and there was an understanding between us. The understanding that I, as master, would maybe provide some pork chop trimmings to that cat in the near future and he, as supplicant beast, would be grateful in that way he never expresses at all. Then that fucking cat took the whole pork chop off of my fork and left with it.

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God, I miss you.

Cats are assholes, is the point of my story, and they only love you in the way that you or I love porn, which is to say until we're finished with it. Then we don't care about it at all until the next time we need it. In light of this, it's almost reasonable then that Keith Griffin, a 48-year-old man from Florida, thought to blame the cat for some of his own misdeeds. Because cats are assholes. Cats pee in your laundry. They steal your pork chops. They download thousands upon thousands of images of child pornography.

Griffin was charged with 10 counts of possession of child pornography, but he assured police that it wasn't him. What happened was that, after using his computer to Google things like recipes for flan or how to properly fold the flag, he would leave the computer on, his cat would jump up there and play with the keyboard, and the images would just appear. Clearly Griffin shouldn't have purchased Dell's One-Touch Felonious Porn Keyboard and should've gone with something a little more mainstream.

Cops chose to not believe that his cat was a filthy pig and took Griffin to jail instead. Hopefully the cat was bathed and sent to live with someone normal who just likes to download videos of girls dressed like anime characters.

#1. ADD

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According to an article I literally just read when I was curious about the overdiagnosis of ADD, the CDC says that 11 percent of U.S. children have been diagnosed ADD at some point. That's kind of insane. The consensus in the medical field is that ADD and ADHD are being used to account for any behaviors in kids, especially males, that are considered bothersome. Kid fidgets? ADD. Kid speaks out of turn? ADD. The problem is that everyone does that, it's not a mental problem. The definition of ADD is the excessive inability to concentrate on a task for any length of time. Remember that, it's going to be hilarious in a paragraph or two.

Probably one of the most awful things I can think of, in a non-criminal sexual context, is sex with a clown, or sex with some kind of weird Chucky doll. Because that shit is insane and unwholesome. So that makes this story about a piano teacher caught under a bridge on school property basting a "child-like" doll from the inside with his stink twizzler just ever so slightly worse than your usual story about someone humping something under a bridge like some kind of horny troll.

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"Hey ... lemme put a finger in your butt."

The teacher in this case didn't even work at the school. He was just out for a stroll with his Boink Barbie when the mood struck under the bridge, so he disrobed and proceeded to brew up a batch of nightmares. After police arrived, he assured them that he didn't even know the bridge was a part of school property and that he unfortunately suffers from ADD, which makes it difficult for him to resist sexual impulses. Probably contributing to this difficulty is lurking under bridges, in the nude, with a doll that had a hump pocket carved into it.

Surprisingly, the man was only charged with public indecency and not with felony bullshittery for what must be the lamest excuse anyone has ever given for porking an inanimate object in public.

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Felix Clay

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