Abstinence-only education starts with the idea that teenagers listen to adults and manages to get even stupider. It's working to turn the only life-threatening problem in the world that can be fought by balloons into a biblical plague. We've reached a point where even the Pope OKs some condom use, and he thinks about sex the same way non-Popes think of the Ark of the Covenant: imagining what the other side has while believing that looking directly at it will melt the soul from your body.
Also, we'd do both with Indiana Jones.
Abstinence-only education turns sex education into an oxymoron, deliberately not teaching people things we know about. It's what happens when a species breeds so successfully, they start showing off. It's the reproductive equivalent of riding a bike with no hands and eyes closed: They'll keep pumping away for a bit, but pretty soon they'll screw up and their crotch will hurt. The only way to teach something so stupid is to be extremely stupid, and that's the only thing these campaigns got right.
7Derek the Abstinence Clown
A clown throwing machetes while screaming about sex in a room full of children technically counts as abstinence education, but only because they'll never live long enough to reproduce. And because picturing that scene psychically sterilized you. Sorry, "spoiler." Derek the Abstinence Clown demonstrated that using condoms was risking your life by making children lie underneath him as he juggled knives. Which isn't actually "demonstrating" anything, but nobody within hurling range was prepared to disagree.
For safety we only picture him with balls, which still prevents ours from working for several hours.
He doesn't even wear makeup, because he's already so horrifically clowny that you can feel it crawling off his bare skin from a digital photograph. He got into abstinence clowning when he mistakenly identified his ability to absolutely prevent any sex as a superpower.
After the story broke, Derek's YouTube video was removed, then his entire website was removed, then the hiring agency -- which had received an $800,000 federal grant -- starting contacting websites and demanding they remove all photographic evidence. So we've got federally funded agents destroying all proof of an escaped blade-tossing genital-targeting clown. Sorry, conspiracy theorists, but everything you've ever been terrified of was pathetic compared to that. And from now on we're going to consider "using protection" to include at least three sheets of plate steel over every building entrance.
6The Purity Teddy Bear
If sex makes you picture talking teddy bears, don't have sex. If you do, sex really will lead to tragedy, expense and pain: specifically a huge Care Bears toy receipt, scissors and polypropylene cotton chafing.
Can she see that bear, too? Because there's no good answer for her either way.
People taking sexual advice from teddy bears don't need abstinence videos; they need parents who don't leave them unattended near van-filled parking lots quite so often. The video is a double sexual tragedy, because you've got two teens who care enough to spend hours together setting up cameras, roleplaying and using props. That's better than most people manage with sex. And I don't think they meant their video to highlight one of the main problems of abstinence. Look at them agreeing not to have sex until they're married:
Now look at them married:
They "waited" exactly as long as it took to change into a wedding dress and get to the church, and real people often skip the first step. A spouse is someone you can share your life and dreams with. Puberty settles for "alive" and "will let you." Then the lack of birth control means that they have to stop having sex before they've gotten any good at it, and two people who didn't even know if they could stand each other in the first place suddenly have to deal with a combination of all their worst traits that shits itself. Abstinence causes more broken homes than hurricanes.