Cracked Columnists

The 7 Stupidest Ways We're Promoting Abstinence

#3. A Fox News Columnist

I have nothing against abstinence itself. If you want to save your special first fumbling embarrassments for the one day you and and your love have built your entire lives around, go right ahead. It's like vegetarianism: It just means that the rest of us enjoy more delicious flesh. But when Fox News columnist Stephen Crowder woke up freshly married and sticky, he decided that everyone else was having sex wrong. This sexual white belt leaped into the Ultimate Fucking Club of everyone else in the world and told us that he didn't fuck our mothers, but only because the filthy harlots had clearly already had sex and would therefore be crap.

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I can shove myself a full two inches into another human body, FEAR ME!

He writes like a first year poli-sci student in a news comments section -- he's just discovered this amazing new thing and he's out to explain it to the rest of us morons. He informs us that anyone popping the freshness seal on their genitals without written permission from God -- enacting His Holy Genital Activation Slip through the divine agency of a bored desk official -- just didn't get laid as well as he did.

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"I've ticked the 'multiple' box, now she HAS to have orgasms."

He bases this argument on one data point. That is scientifically stupid. In fact, basing a comparison of two things on only one is the sort of stupid you only get when backed-up hormones dissolve important parts of your brain. The column decries "floozies" and "harlots" while crowing "I win," like reading Ezekiel of the Old Testament getting his first blowjob, and I know for a goddamn fact which of those two actions Stephen has experienced.

#2. Pewter Coin

People buying pewter collectibles warning against sex are like a nuclear submarine crew warning against sunburn: They've already gone to a dark place beyond such problems, and for the sake of all humanity, we pray they never get the chance to deploy their payloads.

Amazon

When you're carrying around a message that twee, chlamydia actively swims away from you. This coin turns Barry White CDs into the yowlings of a hundred cats, and the owner can't hear the difference over the hundred they already own. The product description recommends it for your child or spouse, and anyone who can casually lump those into the same market probably shouldn't be in charge of sex education. And if you're going to throw your teenage kids fake money instead of talking to them about sex, you might as well wait a few months until they're working in a strip club.

Amazon

The sponsored ads on the same page listed rapid wedding invitations, facts about genital warts, purity rings and safety covers for swimming pools. In its crude way, even the adbot computer is desperately trying to let these people know about plastic wrappings that can keep you from getting in trouble when diving into fluids. When Amazon's targeting algorithm is better at sex education than you, you should just let your kids learn everything about sex from totally unreasonable porn videos, because at least now you're finally being honest about what they're already doing.

#1. Dancing Rap Jingle

Mississippi has been using abstinence education in an attempt to disprove evolution by forcing it to run backward. At the 2009 "Abstinence Works: Let's Talk About It" meeting, their main strategy to prevent hot teenage boning was a jingle. Five thousand teens were lined up and encouraged to rap "Stop, don't touch me there! You know this is my no-no square!" It's a rap written by someone so old, they only remember sex as "like wetting the bed, but you need two people."

When you won't even refer to genitals without infant talk like "no-no square," you may be ill-equipped in a battle against boning. There are aliens with a better understanding of hu-man mating ports because they found the Pioneer plaque and know "triangle" would be better.

NASA
Though they've gotten the odd idea that Earth men are friendly and have crotch loops.

If you're wondering if this stupid song came with a way to act out the lyrics, you already know the answer, because you used the word "stupid." Teens danced around drawing an invisible square box around their crotches with their fingers. Because if anything will avoid sex, it's dancing together while pawing at your own crotch. Did we mention the event had the rap sung by cheerleaders?

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Because those are a great way to stop teens from thinking about sex.

Those teens aren't prancing along because you've overridden the fundamental drive of all life-forms. They're obeying because it genuinely isn't their problem yet. When hormones hit their brain like a battering ram made of a firing Saturn V booster, your precious little jingle will work like a toilet-roll umbrella: Those kids will be defenseless, soaking wet and covered in stringy white material. You're sending them into a battle against their own bodies unarmed, and they only think it's a battle because you told them so.

Recommending that teenagers shouldn't have sex until they know what the hell they're doing is a great idea. Refusing to teach them about the cheap, widely available products that can prevent them from ruining their lives when they do something hormonally stupid -- which is a teenager's entire biological function -- is generational manslaughter.



Luke also explains How Whiskey Is Pure Wisdom and the greatest Bond video game ever made. He has a website, tumbles and responds to every single tweet.

For more sexual madness, check out The 7 Most Terrifying Sex Toys Ever Patented and 15 Real Sex Toys That Will Give You Nightmares. Both of which work better as abstinence education than any of the above.

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