7 Incredibly Biased Arguments Against Gun Control

Hi, and thanks for actually reading the text of this article, unlike the hundreds of gun owners already screaming in the comments. The ones who can't even read before firing back but insist that they be allowed to carry AR-15s into restaurants. If you mention gun control online you're accused of bias, as if a preconceived inclination toward not being shot to death is an outrageous personal failing. But even using euphemisms like "gun control" is how first-world countries gently approach the screaming people clutching the lethal weapons.

From the outside, America looks like that Star Trek episode where civilians volunteer to be randomly murdered by computers, but not nearly as well organized. Gun owners have a huge range of arguments in favor of gun ownership, and I absolutely agree with every single one of them until I'm out of range. But I've got an Atlantic Ocean in the way now, and the NRA hasn't (yet) lobbied for the sale of ICBMs to private citizens, so I'd like to respond to the silliest arguments.

#7. Self-Defense Against Scheduled Rapists

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Every time I mention guns I'm sent worryingly detailed descriptions of 10 murderers on their way to rape and kill my family in exactly 10 minutes and asked if I'd like a gun. If more of the words were spelled correctly I'd think I'd been sent the script to a Taken/Crank sequel.

Olaf Bender/iStock/Getty Images

The ability to summon 10 murderous rapists seems like the world's worst magical spell, but that's the level of sorcerous power you'd need to defend yourself with a gun. Because if you don't sit fondling a gun aimed directly at the front door at all times, they're going to win. And if you do, they can come after you've been locked up for killing postal workers.

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The gun fondlers suffer from what I'm going to call the Gunning-Kruger effect: the idea that they're much, much better with their weapon than everyone else is. If you're up against 10 murderers, it doesn't matter how quickly you can recite your gun's model number and capacity, because they have access to at least the same level of hardware, and they've been using it a lot more while you were angrily typing comments. You're not going to be able to take out 10 imaginary murderers with a real gun, because this isn't Last Action Hero, the only setting where that was possible.

#6. The Constitution

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Ask whether random civilians -- who don't generally have to kill multiple people without taking a five-second break -- should be allowed to own high-capacity magazines? Someone will belch out, "Second Amendment!" like it's a libertarian Patronus. Except that would make more sense, because the Harry Potter movies were written in the same millennium as the present. Unlike the Second Amendment, which was written in 1791, along with "An Appeal from the New to the Old Whigs" and a law punishing adultery with up to 39 lashes in New Hampshire. If other technologies enjoyed the same legal stasis as firearms, you could commute in a tank as long as it didn't shit on the sheriff's boots, and you'd be allowed a home plutonium reactor to provide light while your children worked to lick it clean.

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"Our forefathers rode horses, and the fact that this has the power of a thousand
and a giant goddamned gun on it changes nothing!"

Some people scream that the Constitution can't be changed, which is pretty weird for people obsessed with the Second Amendment. Then they scream that, OK, it was changed, but it shouldn't be changed again, which is, again, weird when you see Second Amendment.

All of which ignores how the Constitution is a local zoning ordinance, not a law of physics. Laws change all the time. Laws responding to the actions of people is what they're for. Responding to stimulus is a definition of life all the way down to the amoeba. When Magic: The Gathering introduced the SkullClamp card, then saw it dominating tournaments by wiping out too many players, Wizards Of The Coast changed the rules to prevent that. American companies think more of printed cards than human lives because they're still allowed to sell the cards.

#5. Hunting

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Hunting is a common excuse for the easy sale of long-range killing machines. Skipping lightly over the part where you find people who say, "I enjoy killing things I don't have to for fun," and responding, "That sounds perfectly sane, have some rifles," I'd like to ask: At what point does one person's hobby overrule another person's survival? Because I've written up some awesome rules for BoomChess, the Fun Strategy Game With Plastic Explosive Pieces, and I think it'll sell quite a lot as soon as I get a lobby and some legal loopholes. I mean, just because other people could misuse it shouldn't affect legal sales.

Martin Poole/Photodisc/Getty Images
The clock is connected to your opponent's pieces.

The world is slowly coming around to the idea that letting any jerk with enough money and insecurities go out and shoot whatever they like maybe isn't the best idea. If people are going to claim the excuse of sport, they should at least make it fair. Clicking on a dumb animal through a sniper scope is about as sporting as Rapunzel challenging Donald Trump to a ponytail competition. But it reverses the polarity of "something beautiful versus a wealthy blight on humanity." If it's a sport, give another team guns and the mission of protecting the animals. Give the hunters no scope, one bullet, and booby trap the forest. Or just release a few Predators.

Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Today Jimbo's hunting geese, and I'm hunting Jimbo."

Just because I draw up a league for Sub-Critical Snap, where players slam down thin wafers of enriched uranium, doesn't mean society suddenly has to pretend that's sane or allow me to do that. Even if I pinkie-promise not to use it for anything else! Writing up an elaborate set of rules only grants you the ability to kill things at range in Dungeons & Dragons.

#4. Drunk Driving

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Every time you talk about all the gun murders -- and it really is a majority of all the murders -- some asshole asks, "So should we ban cars because of drunk driving?" The only response to that is to turn off your computer, go outside, and come to terms with the depths of human stupidity as best you can.

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I became a farmer without Internet. I deal with less shit this way.

Cars are for getting from one place to another, and deaths are accidents. Guns are for killing things, and deaths are their sole function. Surely not knowing what a gun is for has to disqualify someone from owning one. Drunk driving is already illegal. Immediately illegal, in that if the police see a drunk person getting into a car they're allowed to immediately intervene. (Please note that I'm talking about Irish police here, who don't generally have guns, nor do they have a reputation for just fucking shooting people with their guns at goddamn traffic stops like some countries which claim guns are wonderful. If our police see somebody marching toward a cinema or a school or anywhere with a gun they're allowed to immediately do something about it.)

David Kneafsey/iStock/Getty Images
"Hoi hoi, chaps, we've got a cheeky monkey with a shooter. Ask the Special Operations lot to pop up?"

When people start firing themselves at their destinations like human cannonballs, blasting their business wear and briefcases from home to office with vast commuting-cannons, the gun/drunk-driving debate might come to an end. That bit of absurdity is the only thing that can top where we're at now.

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Luke McKinney

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