The 7 Stupidest Alibis in the History of Crime

#3. "I shot someone six times because I was on a diet."

A lawyer argued that U.S. Army Reserve Sergeant Rashad Valmont was dehydrated, exhausted, delirious and near-catatonic when he killed his master sergeant. But before you start envisioning a soldier being pushed too far by some sort of torturous training regiment, you should know that Valmont spent the day before the crime on his military computer in a reserve office, was overweight for military duty, had multiple poor performance reviews, and the final straw wasn't commies kidnapping his mentor. Rashad was pushed over the edge by denial of a request for a vacation weekend.

Defending the flag, except for weekends and bank holidays.

When you're in the Army you don't even have the right to not be shot at, never mind Saturdays off. The fact this was still enough to trigger a murderous rampage in an office worker means his military training was either a total failure or far too effective. He arrived for work before 7 a.m., and at close of business at 5 p.m. pulled a Glock and shot his master sergeant six times. Outside of a horror movie, there is no non-insane reason for shooting someone six times. Also, anyone who'd let their target suffer through 10 final hours of office work before killing them anyway is a sadist.

#2. "I worship the Norse gods!"

A Toronto couple single-handedly disproved every stereotype of Canadians being nice, friendly or sane, by taking God of War as a religion. They marched into a house and decided it was theirs by right of their vast collection of blades. Which, in fairness, did actually work back when people worshiped the Norse gods. But Vikings existed before the invention of firearms and Canadians, two powerful forces for dealing with blade-wielding and extreme rudeness in northern latitudes, and they were arrested within 72 hours.

John Morkanus, which we have to admit is a name which sounds like it should dual-wield blades, insisted he had to carry a weapon at all times as an adherent of the Asatru Norse religion. A particularly crazy neopagan religion (where "neo-" means "we live in a world where people know better") which leads to owning ridiculously expensive and impractical weapon collections instead of rent money.

Toronto Sun
It's nice to know the Norse aren't racist anymore, stockpiling stupid samurai swords and stupid Elven daggers alike.

Luckily anyone who owns more than 10 weapons doesn't really know how to use any of them, including the one between their legs, so he was easily apprehended. He also claimed he needed the weapons to teach a medieval weapons class at the YMCA. The YMCA immediately announced that it offers no such a class, and also what the fuck. Bladed weapons and strict religion aren't angles the YMCA really stress any more, what with the whole "Crusades" fad falling out of fashion.

Morkanus and his warrior-maiden Sarah Leroux had also posted a notice proclaiming "When this notice is affixed to property, its contents and all attached thereof is held under claim of right," which also set out ticket prices for visiting "their" land. But the only way you can make people pay to come see your blades is by being a Highlander, and the only way you can make money from blades and a horrifically stupid religion is by being Highlander II.

#1. "It was my evil twin!"

When Janell Athalone-Afrika was caught embezzling $15,000 worth of benefits from the Indiana Department of Education, she decided the game of wits had only just begun. A game she was worse prepared for than someone wearing body armor to a triathlon. She claimed that her identity been stolen by her "evil twin," at which point the arresting officer cursed, "Dammit, now I'm even dreaming about arresting idiots. Because if this is real I'm going vigilante."

"Dammit, I don't see how either of us is going to grow a goatee."

Even soap operas don't pull the evil twin until they've run out of ideas, and while it takes them a few seasons it only took Janell a single sentence. Maybe she was trying out to balance how imaginary twins are usually hot and awesome. The closest she came to getting away with it was the judge leaving to write a book entitled The Legal System and Eugenics: No, Seriously, When You Hear About This One You Won't Think It's Such a Bad Idea.

Deputy Prosecutor Barb Trathen announced, "It's pretty clear we didn't find any truth in the evil twin sister defense," immediately winning the "greatest understatement by a legal professional" award from "This job sucks" by Harvey Dent.

For more legal lunacy check out The 7 Most Retarded Criminal Excuses of All Time and 9 Insane Cases that Prove the US Legal System Is Screwed.

Luke McKinney explains how Beer Built Civilization. He also tumbles and has a website.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Luke McKinney

  • Rss

More by Luke McKinney:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!