The 7 Stupidest Alibis in the History of Crime
Batman is spoiled. His criminals might be a cowardly, superstitious lot, but at least he gets to match wits with psychotic geniuses. In the real world he wouldn't last a week before realizing that Dark Vengeance is mainly beating up idiots, and deciding to take off his rubberized animal suit and find something more stimulating for a rich man to do at night. Actually, he might keep the suit on.
"OK, this works. Now for the animal suit and the midget with a stepladder. I'll call Penguin."
For every criminal with a 15-step escape plan there are thousands who didn't think they'd be caught, or just didn't think ever. One minute in the future might as well be Atlantis for these idiots, who approached crime with all the subtlety of a drug dealer in a Just Say No skit, and concocted less believable stories than Kim Jong Il's eulogy.
#7. "My cat downloaded all that child pornography."
When police charged Keith Griffin with ten counts of possessing child pornography he explained that his cat did it. So they increased it to a hundred counts, presumably to see if they could possibly make that alibi any less believable. Keith claimed that his felonious feline would sometimes walk across his keyboard and download (over 1,000 highly illegal) things. Which is weird, because even we haven't found any porn called q'wawdsssslnk'ml.
It was a more apocalyptically obvious lie than the Enola Gay claiming they were delivering fireworks. Cats might dominate the bit of the Internet which isn't porn, but we're pretty sure they don't know how to work it -- if they did, we'd be working for them right now. Still, it was a nice touch that even his ridiculous excuse required something that couldn't legally give consent.
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One cat isn't exactly infinite monkeys.
It was less believable or sympathetic than Rick Perry in assless chaps. He gave up on this defense during the court case. Understand: This man was standing in a room full of professionally judgmental people for owning the most sickening images in existence, and dropped the cat story because that was making him look bad.
#6. "The alignment in my car is bad."
Christos Kokkalis claimed that the alignment in his car was bad. That's why it was doing double the speed limit and cut across the opposite lane to hit a pedestrian who made a gesture telling him to slow down. Amazingly, when he missed the pedestrian, the car's bad alignment caused it to pull a U-turn, speed back up to the pedestrian to try again, then forced him to leap out and scream, "Let's settle this right now. Meet me back here at 10." Apparently when he said "alignment" he meant "Evil Chaotic." His car was basically Christine.
Why yes, the insurance is a bitch.
We love how his threat proves he can't even get through two sentences without reversing himself. There's also the almost adorable naivete of a 19-year-old male thinking anyone will believe a driving related offense wasn't his fault. It asshole driving at a level that would make even Michael Schumacher shake his head sadly. Hell, KARR couldn't pull that off without his driver at least noticing.
"I don't think orphanages ARE full of 'speed bumps,' KARR."
Luckily Christos is as good at aiming as he is at thinking on the fly, so his pedestrian target was fine. In fact, with this story and the medical benefits of laughter, they're probably healthier than when they started.
#5. "I am a Texas Republican sovereignty."
Justin Wayne Gray was stopped for speeding, rolled down the window and declared "I am Texas Republican sovereignty. I do not recognize this as a legal traffic stop." After double checking that they'd been using the police uniforms and flashing lights that help even the dumbest people recognize them, the cops realized they were dealing with a "sovereign citizen." They think the constitution is a buffet where you can just choose the bits you like, and that the best people to explain this to are armed police officers. Oh, and if you ever want to turn a regular traffic stop into an arrest, now you know what to say.
In case anyone might have sympathy about traffic stops or lunatic fringe groups, Gray was going double the speed limit in a school zone on a suspended license just to make sure people knew he was an asshole. And he was just getting started. He argued that the case should be dismissed because court documents referred to him as JUSTIN WAYNE GRAY, when his name is Justin Wayne Gray. At this point, blind justice would have taken a peek to make sure her punch landed in the most painful place possible.
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"No, I'm not putting the sword down first. Did you hear that asshole?"
He filed an "Affidavit of Truth" (which isn't a thing that exists) with ten more arguments, each a flimsier and more inaccurate waste of legal time than the last, before finally invoking the war powers clause of the constitution. Basically, he tried to glitch the legal system with an overflow error, submitting an avalanche of idiotic claims then moving to have the charges dismissed because the court didn't respond to all the claims. Luckily the legal system doesn't just let people off because prosecuting them is too much hassle. The final ruling dealt with every single one of his complaints, but you can smell the burning IQ points it cost the prosecutor on each one.
#4. "Did you see Law and Order last night? It was exactly like that."
One woman decided civilization wasn't downfalling fast enough and copied a crime she saw on TV. When questioned over the disappearance of her 2-year-old daughter, Julia Biryukova recapped the plot of an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, a show that it turns out the police watch. And since the episode had only just aired the night before, the case put a whole new spin on the word "special." Maybe her goldfish brain couldn't remember how the episode ended, but the TV show featured a far better actress and, if it's anything like any other episode, ends with the crook getting caught.
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"I'm putting all my money in stocks after watching the first half of Wall Street."
The police checked out her story, making a jerking off motion the whole time. She'd claimed her car ran out of gas so she walked away to get more and when she got back the girl was gone. This was challenged by tiny details like the car still having gas in it, her not buying any at the station she went to and the police not being retarded. She then insisted she was too upset to take a polygraph test, the first case of a polygraph working before it was switched on. You could tell this woman was lying with a dowsing rod because you have to be awake to pick one up.
Oh, oh! Can I be the nerd who nitpicks that the alignment is ordered as "Chaotic Evil" rather than the other way around and "God of War" is based on Greek mythology rather than Norse? What? Somebody already said it? Well, I'm a dick, so I'm saying it again.
ReplyThis last paragraph defies comprehension. I just collapsed in stifled laughter for a full minute.
Reply"YMCA annouced it has no such class, and also, what the fuck"
Replyi lost it. good work
I have the same tiger claw that the couple in number 2 has in that pic. Those things are real sharp too you wouldnt actually need to learn how to use it when its basically stab and they are dead
ReplyRegarding number two, lets of course begin with those people are idiots. With that out of the way i don't get the hate towards neo-paganism. Maybe it's an American thing i don't know.
ReplyI read cracked alot and it takes a lot to offend me and number 2 came very close. What people (you apparently) clearly don't know that Ásatrú is not a religion in the same form as Christianity or Islam, but a collection of our cultural inheritance that survived almost a millennia of Christianity trying to make it go away. When we finally converted to Christianity it was with the condition of "Blóta á laun" which meant they could perform their pagan ways and rituals secretly (hah ! a thousand years of attempted conversion failed, take that Christianity !), so it survived and existed as traditions and "the old ways" for centuries before it finally became a recognized religion again. The ties went beyond the borders of Ásatrú, the mysticism surrounding it became common folklore, for example most of us celebrate solstice, no matter what religion you are, though it is a pagan holiday. Another example, my name is Hákon Þór, which translates as "Highborn son of Thor", neither of my parents are particularly religious in any direction.
Ásatrú was formally reestablished in Iceland 1972, intended for us (Iceland, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Faroe Islands) as a part of a link to our past actively subdued by Christianity, but ofcourse anyone can believe what they want, nothing says its exclusive to us even though it was intended for us.
That being said, i am more offended by those f*****g idiots than the writer of the article, because when the writer reads about idiots like that, what is he to think when he reads about asshats like that acting like that in the name of a religion?
To all idiots who put a bad name to my history and my culture, go f**k yourselves.
You are essentially right, but your comment is too long and rambling, so f**k you
Did anyone else notice that at the bottom of the document linked to in number 5 it said "do not publish"
ReplySome ex-football player had this crazy alibi that the night his ex-wife and another guy were murdered with a knife, he also got, uh, knife-like cuts on his hands because he broke a glass in his hands. Like that would ever happen, and that alibi would work.
ReplyI'm not a neopagan myself, but #2 came off pretty offensive.
ReplyI find quite a lot of these neo-norse religions racist views offensive. Not all of them are but still.
Angron, that's because you're hearing those beliefs from racists. If my only interaction with Christianity was from the KKK, I'd feel like Christians were pretty damned racist too.
Missing: Harrison Graham, who was convicted of killing seven women, whose decomposing remains were found in his Philadelphia apartment after he was evicted due to the smell. His excuse? They were there when he moved in. God, don't you just HATE it when the previous tenants leave their decomposing corpse collection behind?
ReplyThere's not a lot I can say here. This entire condescending rant has the air of a person with little understanding of legality or even basic human emotion screaming about events which he understands even less.
ReplyLuke McKinney can do MUCH better than this, and has done much better than this.
None of these people deserved the benefit of the doubt. He claimed a CAT downloaded child porn onto his computer... Do you think maybe he was telling the truth? Because if so, I have a bridge to sell you.
There are practical and possible defenses that have tried and succeeded, and even nonsensical defenses that have also worked. The defenses listed here are so insane that they could only, ONLY work on opposite day.
"Luckily the legal system doesn't just let people off because prosecuting them is too much hassle." That made me lol.
ReplySo.. Her evil twin got away with it?
ReplyMr. McKinney, while the overall humor in your articles is worthwhile, you attempts at Seanbaby style methaphor/simile jokes leave much to be desired.
ReplyLook, I know Seanbaby invented being funny on the internet and all, but please refrain from playing the Ripoff Alert That Types. It's as pleasant as a defective smoke alarm.
Need an alibi? A cat is fine too.
ReplyMaybe next time he should plead....
*slowly puts on sunglasses*
Insankitty.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I believe the car from Knight Rider was called KITT, but I may be remembering it wrong.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesKITT was the good one KARR was the evil one.
KARR was KITT's psychopathic prototype. He was especially psychotic in the episode KITT vs KARR, which the picture is from.
I'm not being sarcastic when I say that I'm really glad I read this and cleared that up.
Michael Stone a loyalist terrorist was apprehended trying to enter a government building with guns and explosives. His defense was that it wasn't a terrorist attack but a piece of performace art!
ReplyCan the word alibi be used for any legal defense?
ReplyYou don't really get how legal systems work, do you?
Found a typo in point #6. I only briefly looked for it in the comments though, so maybe someone picked it up already: The sentence "It a*****e driving at a level that would make even Michael Schumacher shake his head sadly" needs to start with "it's" instead.
Reply Hide All See All 8 RepliesSorry. I'm an editor. I edit. It's what I gotta do.
Then, "Mr. It's what I gotta do.", you should have also pointed out the typographical error in Number 1; "She claimed that her identity [had] been stolen by her "evil twin..".
And you should stop using words like "gotta", "typo" and contractions, since you're such a great editor.
Oh, and you should also stop being a douchebag.
Great article, by the way, Luke. Good for a blind peruse.
A few corrections, if I may:
1) Capitalize all the words in the name “Mr. It’s what I gotta do.” Names, just like titles, require the capitalization of all words that aren’t articles, prepositions, coordinating conjunctions (or subordinating conjunctions under five letters in length), or the particle “to” used with an infinitive verb. For instance, my name for you, “Mr. Queefs on Everyone’s Good Time,” would just look sloppy if “on” were capitalized or “Queefs” were made lowercase.
2)Replace the period between “do” and the end quote following it with a comma, and delete the comma following the end quote. Otherwise, it’s just comma overload! Awkward!
3)Change the “N” in “number” to the lower case.
4)Change the semicolon you’ve used to a comma. You could technically use a colon, but the comma is stylistically preferable here. The rule is…you know what? If we’re not to semicolons yet, let’s just leave it.
5)Since you’ve got a quote within a quote here (META!), you need to use single quotes around “evil twin,” then close the full quotes AFTER the ellipsis AND the single end quote (which would look like this: ‘evil twin…’”). Also, take out the period after the final quote. NOBODY needs that many periods. (Am I RIGHT, ladies!?)
6)Switch the order of the end quote and the comma after “gotta.” (Counterintuitive I know, but every time you put a comma after a quotation mark, an angel sharts in a crowded elevator.)
7)Insert a comma at the end of “typo” before the quote (if you’re American and adhere to the Oxford comma), but actually, in this series…
8)…“Contractions” is just a poor choice of words. Parallelism requires another specific example here rather than a category of word.
9)This is a comedy website, not a research paper. “Gotta,” “typo,” and “it’s” are perfectly acceptable, as are “fuckblat” and “twatty-poo.”
10)“Since you’re such a great editor” shouldn’t be preceded by a comma, as it’s a dependent clause following an independent one.
11)I edit; I definitely don’t douche, nor am I an instrument used in the douching of others. Your accusation is confusing, but I will keep it in mind.
12)Though technically passable, the comma you put after “great article” makes you sound like a stillbirth writing a love haiku. Nix it.
All that said, I must commend your well-placed and ironic use of the phrase “blind peruse,” as the action of reading this article very slowly and carefully in Braille is indeed exactly the opposite of jerking off into the gutted eye socket of a teddy bear.
Bravo, good sir. Bravo.
10)“Since you’re such a great editor” shouldn’t be preceded by a comma, as it’s a dependent clause following an independent one.
Just caught this, but I think it's still okay since there's a natural pause there and it would be confusing without the commas. Anybody else know? Or care?
milkofmorgnesia, you just won everything forever.
All that said, I must commend your well-placed and ironic use of the phrase “blind peruse,” as the action of reading this article very slowly and carefully in Braille is indeed exactly the opposite of jerking off into the gutted eye socket of a teddy bear.
Awesome.
See that? Right there in the distance? That's the empty plain, Milkofmorgnesia. You know what's there? The amount of people who give a fuck. You'll notice it's a completely empty area devoid of all life.
Sorry, I'm a non-fuck distributor. I don't give fucks. It's what I don't gotta do.
Akkere--sadly, I can only vote this up once. You win my interwebs.
milkofmorgnesia (you do not capitalize so I take the liberty of doing the same) has enacted swift and merciless retribution, for which he shall be commended and celebrated in song. Haters in the vicinity are instructed to indulge in nasal sodomy with one another. At gunpoint.
"John Morkanus, which we have to admit is a name which sounds like it should dual-wield blades, insisted he had to carry a weapon at all times as an adherent of the Asatru Norse religion. A particularly crazy neopagan religion...."
Reply Hide All See All 9 RepliesNorse Paganism does not have Commandments, so John was not ordered to carry a weapon. He chose to, and as such, he is responsible for his actions. Claiming that the Gods and Goddesses told him he had to is like any Christian saying that God ordered someone's murder. It doesn't happen. So It was him being an idiot, and as such, blame the person. Insult him as much as you see fit. When it comes down to the religion however, don't take an insulting tone to it by calling it crazy. It was the man's actions that were crazy, not the religion.
I understand if you don't agree with a religion, or are completely against all religions, but insulting a religion is not a way to be humorous, it just makes you look and sound like an arrogant, intolerant fuck.
If you had calmed that down you would've had a good point.
Why is it "arrogant" and "intolerant" to insult a religion? What makes religious beliefs special compared to any other kinds of beliefs?
If your "religion" is batshit insane, like paganism or scientology or cathololicism, then it's fair game to be made fun of.
@Vlad, you forgot Christianity.
@Saintbarnz, "Hurrr you can make fun of anyone else's lifestyle, beliefs, etc... just stay away from religion because GOD SAYS SO!" Actually, making fun of religion can be pretty awesome. Look at everything from Monty Python to South Park, and that doesn't even begin to get into literary satire and parody. Grow the f**k up and get over it.
God ordered the murder of many people in the Bible like telling Abraham to kill his son Isaac and telling Judith to cut a guy's head off
Also, since when are all the religious douches coming to Cracked? "Hey, I know a nice little site that is SURE not to insult anyone's sensibilities; ESPECIALLY over something as SACRED as religion!"
I think the author muddled the point he was trying to make. The guy was using religious beliefs to back up his crazy and illegal behavior. I don't think it matters what religion the guy adhered to, he was going to use it to justify what he was doing regardless. As the first sentence you quoted pointed out, John Morkanus is the one claiming he had to carry the weapon as an adherent of Asatru Norse religion--he's using his religion as his scapegoat reason for carrying a weapon. If the sentence had stated "all adherents had to carry a weapon", then calling a religion that came about in a time when it was probably a good idea to have a weapon on you at all times "crazy" would be much more insulting.
His next sentence does sound like an insult, though. I'm a bit immune to them since I was raised Catholic and we're the regular targets of everyone else, but stating that Asatru Norse is a "particularly crazy neopagan religion" and then trying to say that other neopagans have more sense than Asatru Norse is flat-out wrong, because one person twisting the beliefs of a religion to suit his own purposes will make any religion look insane no matter what.
Of course, being tolerant of other people's religions isn't popular on this site, so I'm sure this comment will be voted down en masse. Not that I care.
You wanna know what's "intolerant" and "arrogant"? The fact that the Asatru are also EXCEEDINGLY RACIST. As in, neo-Nazi-style "white power", lynch mob racist. And no, I'm not Christian, so don't whine that I'm some Christian who just "doesn't understand" your super-cool D&D religion.
@Ohmercyme1 At the last minute God told Abraham NOT to kill his son. And wasn't the guy Judith killed some kind of brutal warlord?
By "more than 10 weapons", you mean different kinds of weapons, yeah? Because the people who stockpile rifles and the sorts of Buddhist monks who do swordplay and archery definitely know what they're doing.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesHe means Americans. Americans who have more than 10 weapons, and aren't drug dealers or avid hunters, don't know how to use them. this is 100% true when the weapons are swords and they're white dudes.
Ah, I forgot that being white precludes any sort of training or expertise. I'm not saying if I bought a sword I could use it for s**t, but practice makes perfect, as they say.
It's not 'being white' that precludes expertise in any field except racism and being a redneck, it's 'being American'.
^ WalkerTall
Regardless of your point, your jerk-off racial prejudice makes it impossible to take you seriously.