#3. The Cart Bearer
This is the person who returns to their vehicle with a cart full of purchases, loads those purchases into their car and then leaves the cart sitting right the fuck in the middle of a perfectly good parking space. Why They Must Be Stopped You probably think I'm going to say this needs to be stopped because they're robbing hardworking men and women of valuable hassle-free parking spaces. And you're right, I'm totally saying that. But there's something else. Have you ever stopped to take a look at the person who gets tasked with rounding up stray carts in the parking lot? Even more importantly, have you ever talked to them? If you had, you would know that, nine out of 10 times, it's the "developmentally challenged" person who gets tasked with that horseshit job. And don't howl, you know every grocery or department store employs at least one. It's the law, probably. So leaving your cart in a parking spot instead of moving it to the cart corral (maybe that's what it's called) amounts to abuse of the handicapped. Why would you do that, you monster? Also, move your shit so the rest of us can park. What You Should Do About It Usually, by the time you realize that this particular transgression has occurred, there isn't much at all you can do other than move the cart and take your parking spot. That's what makes their crime so heinous. They vanish into the night before anyone has a chance to hand them the swift justice they deserve. Even if you do see it happening, the hooligan will already be in their car and backing out of the parking space by the time you can act. And understand, if they're already exhibiting the kind of blatant disregard for their fellow man that this display of parking lot dickery requires, they will have no qualms about just backing over you if you decide to play the hero and jump behind their car in an attempt to block them in and lecture them on their bullshit. Unless you can somehow fit that cart into your trunk fast enough to follow that person home, at which point you chuck said cart through their living room window, it's best to just take the loss here.
#2. The Parking Spot Stalker
The Parking Spot Stalker is a driver who, upon seeing you walking toward your car in a crowded parking lot, follows behind you at a super-creepy speed of about 1.4 mph in an effort to get your soon-to-be-vacant parking spot before anyone else. Why They Must Be Stopped While I understand the logic employed by the Parking Spot Stalker, there is an unsettling gray area when it comes to their actions. If you're a woman being followed by a slow-moving vehicle, it usually means you're about to bolster your city's sexual assault statistics. If you're a dude, you're probably just more concerned about garden variety armed robbery. Either way, there are really no good options there. So, to the Parking Spot Stalker's credit, at least they're not out raping and robbing innocent shoppers. Way to be, assholes! What You Should Do About It The key to thwarting a parking lot stalker is misdirection. Instead of getting angry, have some fun with the situation and see how long you can get them to follow you. When you reach your car, just keep on walking. Maybe go to the end of one lane, cross over into another and start walking in the opposite direction. See how many laps you can take with them hot on your heels. If you hear them start to accelerate like they're giving up, immediately head for the driver's side door of the nearest vehicle. When they slam on their brakes, start walking again. Repeat this process until they finally drive away in frustration or settle for a lesser parking spot. If you're in especially good shape, maybe consider chasing them for good measure when they finally pull off. What could it hurt?
#1. The Parking Spot Rusher
A close relative of the Parking Spot Stalker, the Parking Spot Rusher will creep their way around a jam-packed parking lot looking for people who appear to be getting into or have just gotten into their vehicle. When they find one, they wait for that person to start their car and pull out so they can overtake the newly vacant parking spot. Why They Must Be Stopped Listen, bitch, nobody cares about your need to find a suitable parking spot when they're trying to strap an unruly kid in and load two weeks' worth of groceries into the trunk of a car. That entire process is stressful enough without you lurking in the background like Ted Bundy staking out a sorority house. What You Should Do About It If someone is sitting in their running vehicle impatiently waiting for you to leave, by no means should you make it a stress-free wait for them. In fact, go out of your way to make it appear as if there is no good reason for you to still be in that parking spot. Don't adjust your mirrors, don't fish around on the floor for that Spin Doctors CD you should be ashamed to own but aren't ... basically, don't do anything. Just sit there like an asshole, just like the person hoping to get your parking spot is doing. If for some reason your assailant is brave enough to walk up to your car and ask if you're leaving soon, tell them you're waiting on someone. When they walk back to their car to leave, wait until they get just far enough to not be blocking you in and then back out of the parking spot. They'll see you in the rearview mirror and want to kill you, of course, but they'll be far too focused on getting back to that parking spot before someone else can take it from them to actually act on that anger. So then you wait, idling at such an angle so as to block anyone else from pulling in without some assistance from you. If another more reasonable driver shows up, yield the parking space to them. If the Parking Spot Rusher makes it back around, though, pull back in to that spot and take a fucking nap if you have to. Whatever it takes, don't give this person your parking spot. Is it an even more petty response to an already petty situation? Yes, it is. Everything I've proposed in this column is petty. But admit it, after reading this, you won't be able to live with yourself if you don't at least try some of this stuff out the next time you're assaulted with douchebaggery in a parking lot. Adam will punch you in the face if you leave your shopping cart in the middle of a parking spot. Be his friend on Facebook and Twitter.