Everybody has their own opinion on shopping. Some love it, some hate it, some prefer to forego the entire process in favor of shoplifting. But no matter what your individual opinion on shopping may be, there's one thing we can surely all agree on ... the parking lot is the worst place on earth. It shouldn't be that way. A parking lot is just a place to leave your vehicle. Without it, we'd be whipping our SUVs and smart cars around the aisles of Walmart like a bunch of bargain hunting Mad Max extras. It should be so simple. Just park your shit, get out and go about your business. But nothing is ever that easy. There are always those bad apples who mess things up for the rest of us, and that's especially true in the parking lot. Here are seven people who turn every parking lot into a war zone.
#7. The Driving Lane Anarchist
The Driving Lane Anarchist is that person who ignores any yellow lines or arrows painted on the ground in favor of just flying around the parking lot as if rules of the road no longer exist when a trip to Target is involved. Why They Must Be Stopped How many times have you been driving through a parking lot in strict accordance with all of those yellow lines and arrows and signs when, out of nowhere, some maniac comes flying at you from a northeasterly direction and nearly rams you into the shopping cart holding pen or whatever that contraption is called? It's a situation that's equal parts infuriating and terrifying. The worst part, if you somehow impede this lunatic's progress or force them to slow down a bit, is that they mean-mug you as if you just cut them off from making their exit on a busy freeway. And if they aren't flying in from the periphery, they're driving the wrong way down a lane that's clearly marked with an arrow pointing in the other direction. This is how drunk drivers kill children on the interstate, but for some reason nobody has any second thoughts about driving the wrong way in a parking lot. Like I said, total anarchy. What You Should Do About It This is a tough one, because honestly, what can you do about it? The answer to that question hinges on how confident you are in your auto insurance and how far you're willing to go to prove a point. Because there's not a competent driver among us who wouldn't like to intentionally get into an accident with this person, if for no other reason than to sue them to the point that no insurance company would clear them to drive ever again. But how much of a fucking hassle would that be? So instead, we just let that shit happen and scream profanities that nobody can hear. It's the very definition of injustice.
#6. The Diagonal Walker
Instead of using lots of those "words" that the liberal media elite seem to love so much, I'll explain the diagonal walker using a series of crudely executed Photoshops. See, when a person is crossing that DMZ that separates every store from its parking lot, most choose a path like this ...
But the diagonal walkers? Well, they choose a path that looks more like this ...
Even if you didn't previously realize you hate these people, I trust that you do now. Why They Must Be Stopped Listen, assholes, the quickest route from Point A to Point B is a straight line. By laughing in the face of this universally accepted fact, you're ensuring that the person waiting for you to cross spends an extra 30 seconds or so screaming at you from behind the wheel of a ton of metal that could kill you with nothing more than a quick push on the gas pedal. And that's exactly what that driver is thinking of doing when you waddle your cart full of Cheetos and pot pies in front of them in this most dickish of ways. By moving diagonally, you are literally standing in the way of other people's progress for the entirety of your journey. That's some bullshit. What You Should Do About It The solution here is pretty simple. Just inch your vehicle forward in direct proportion to the Diagonal Walker's movements. For every second they spend taking a nonsensical route to their vehicle, you spend that same second moving ever closer to, at the very least, ramming them in the back of the knee with your bumper. The threat of being mowed down by a vehicle that they have no reason to be standing in front of is usually enough provocation to get them to get lateral like the Lord intended people in parking lots to do.
#5. The Family Band
The Family Band is a family of four or more who, instead of walking in a single-file line down the parking lot lane you're trying to navigate, choose to walk side by side like the fucking Partridge Family on their way to a show at SeaWorld, thereby preventing any cars from passing them. Why They Must Be Stopped Hey, parents of the world, tell me something I've been dying to know for quite a while now: When it comes time to go grocery shopping, what is the harm in just one parent going to the store and the other staying home with your misbehaved clan of hellions? Is it really necessary to haul all six of your mistakes along with you? It is, you say? Well, I don't believe you. But whatever, let me ask you another question: If you must haul the kids along, please, by all means, tell me how having your 3-year-old lined up on the outside like an NFL receiver in the spread formation in the middle of a busy parking lot amounts to anything resembling good parenting? Are you trying to get your child killed? Because I'm not going to do it, and nobody else will either, hopefully. But we will follow along slowly in our car silently wishing you were all dead and therefore not in a position to turn what should have been a quick jaunt to the supermarket into an exercise in anger management. What You Should Do About It Honk. That's it. Just honk. Why? Because it will scare the ever-loving shit out of the Family Band's children, and scaring people is funny. And funny, in turn, is good for the soul. Turn that aggravation into a lighthearted situation that adds a few years to your life through the magic of therapeutic laughter. And before you go feeling bad about terrifying children, understand this ... if they didn't have such shitty parents, they wouldn't be in a position that allows you to scare them so easily in the first place. So you get some much needed laughter, and the parents get a reminder that they're blatant fuck-ups when it comes to child rearing. Everybody wins.
#4. The Paranoid
There are probably several names for it, but in this case the Paranoid is that asshole or assholette who parks their Camaro or whatever other obnoxious vehicle of their choosing at an angle that ensures nobody else can park in any space near them. This usually happens because they're so proud of the pristine condition of their car that they can't stomach the thought of the unwashed masses coming near it. Why They Must Be Stopped If you need me to tell you why this needs to be stopped, then clearly you are one of these people. And in that case, fuck you, I'm not telling you a damn thing. What You Should Do About It There's only one thing to do when faced with a Parking Lot Paranoid ... key the shit out of their car. It will make you feel better and will teach the offender a valuable lesson. That lesson being, of course, that parking like a dipshit will result in someone keying the shit out of your car. And if this police blotter article is to be believed, the most your "crime" will net you in terms of charges is a ticket for malicious mischief. That's a bargain at twice the price.