The 7 Most Terrifying Rejected TV Ads


Guinness: For Strength and Elasticity

People drink Guinness while screwing, which is how your grandma was made--

--but the joke's on her traditional notions of sexuality!

Whuh?! You can have more than two people in a sex?

This bacchanalian frenzy contains not just one, but three men using a woman as a coaster. Also: using a woman.

The director filmed this ad for $320, $300 of which went to the model, and $20 of which went to...where'd it go? Ah, look behind your ear! Neat trick, right?

If you're anything like me, you wonder how many takes they did before they got one without the bottle tipping. Of course, if you're anything like me, you fall asleep crying to videos of your ex-girlfriend. How did I get videos of your ex-girlfriend? That's not important right now. What is important is whether you're willing to join my Guinness orgy to get them back. So assuming that at least two of those hands are participating under extortion, this is an exact precreation of something that won't happen 'till tomorrow. Woooo, time travel! Spooky.

Hypnotic. Sex on a table is hot, so sex with a table must be at least 1.14 times as fulfilling as sex with a regular ol' non-tabular woman. If you're converting to metric, that's an astonishing 20 kilo-buckets of sex! No wonder they need a Guinness!

Guinness is the flagship beverage for the world's proudest drunks: American tourists in Dublin. But sex was outlawed in Ireland after it started to undermine traditional Irish misery. It's unlikely anyone is having sex there, let alone pulling off a triple play. Additionally, that woman has a skin tone darker than "reflective" and it's not raining, so this ad is very likely set in one of the other two countries in Europe. Text your vote for which one to EURO-PORN now!

#2) MasterCard -- Indecent Proposal

Young people move so fast today. Why can't they enjoy the old traditions like dying in clouds of mustard gas?

The short film "Indecent Proposal" is more parody than spec, but we'll allow it since it brought two girls to the party. Here's how police reconstruct the events:

First things first, squire, it seems this chap desires his bird play a dab game of Grease-the-Maypole, 'ere wot?

But the lady declines, and asks if they can begin filming the commercial.

Then her sister shows up. Man, it's exactly like my first communion, except no one's laughing during sex.

Zoiks! With his arm on the intercom, Potsie let the whole house know he finds their daughter attractive. No wonder dad's furious! This young man should have followed the narrator's example by becoming a discorporate ghost floating in the ether. Unable to press intercom buttons or savor a woman's touch, he avoids embarrassment in the horrifying solitude of eternity. But there is free ICE CREAM!*

*We have just been told that eternity has run out of ice cream.

Instructive. The gentleman bastard has coaxed forth the nascent bloom of sexuality from many a sylph. It must be done with the purest silver of tongues or by simply attending a UCLA mixer. However, spending money helps. I'm glad this ad acknowledges that pouring a bottle of wine into a woman obliges her to go down on you, because I feel some bros were afraid that was sleazy, which of course it isn't. I'm kidding! Bros don't worry about that at all.

Despite what's on the table (or woman, if you prefer), this intense negotiation has the erotic power of soy bean futures. If you have to beg this much for it, you're not going to enjoy what you get. [Note to whichever O'Brien is editing this: Please do not link to Cracked list of psychological studies that show begging increases perceived value. Thanks! --Your besterest pal, Brendan (but you can call me B-Dazzle!)]

These kids are college-age. It's a time for experimentation. I say they all stop pretending to laugh and put on some wokka-chuh-wokka music. If Dad has a moustache, this could be a good time for all. At least until nine months later, when a fish-child flops its way out of his daughter's womb, and we will all ask what terrible mistakes we've made. Survey says "incest", but the judges overruled it with a controversial pick: Fetal alcoholism! You know, it's surprises like this that make Euro-Porn Idol the most exciting show on TV.

Oh, you bet it sells. This commercial preys on its audience's fears like a veteran ad man. What if my parents catch me? Will he still love me afterward? If so, how do effectively I break his heart? and of course on his side, Why did I eat that bushel of asparagus?

Vera Kratochvil
Fragrant foul

That's how advertising works: you're not selling the audience the product; you sell them the discontent that the product resolves. You sell fear. You sell need. Your teeth aren't white enough. Your counters harbor face-melting germs. You'll never get laid with that beer. You'll die with nuts un-slapped and un-chopped. On that front, this is an ace effort. Everyone goes home frustrated and angry. But at least they have MasterCard!

Our hits go up 10,000 views every time we show a picture of Don Draper

#1) Perrier - Handjob

Picture that covered in petroleum jelly

Here's a bonus one for you, even though it's no spec ad. This commercial really ran in fair Verona, where we lay our scene, and also in the rest of Italy, where we lay Italian girls, one of which has a gentle touch.

Mere caresses and a whisper about underwear are all it takes to make this passionate bottle blow its cap.

Speaking of my premature ejaculation, nothing says eroticism like an explosion thirty seconds into some light petting. Think about it - if it weren't erotic, you'd be able to last longer. So really, it's a compliment, sweetheart. So what if root beer can go all night? Laughter is so much better than sexual satisfaction, and root beer can't make you laugh, unless you find lengthy belches hilarious. Oh...hell.

In fairness, her new lover is delicious

What was my point? Oh yes, when it comes to advertising, we are all Perrier.

Brendan McGinley is NSFW.

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