#3. Accordion BreastsHinging Breast Implant, Patent #US 6,875,233 B1 (2005)
Matthew Turner tried to revolutionize breasts with all the experience and understanding of a 14-year-old boy swearing at a bra clasp. Having grown up thinking you could make boobs bigger by blowing into them, Turner proceeded to avoid breasts for long enough to build something that proved how very, very wrong he was.
Never mind implanting those moving sharp edges inside human flesh; anyone using that font is a monster.
He complains that modern breast implants don't allow their size to be adjusted after installation and doesn't seem to have the slightest clue about the medically terrifying reasons for that. It's not a total surprise that a man on a quest to turn real women into blow-up dolls doesn't worry about women being comfortable, or even understand that women being comfortable is a theoretical possibility, since it's clearly never happened anywhere near him. But it's still a special sort of crazy that infuses that lack of know-how with what is apparently a fetish to play accordion duets as foreplay.
"I'm horny, dear, fetch the condom and bicycle pumps."
What's especially amusing is how excited Turner clearly was when writing the patent. He comes up with an amazing 19 implementations covering every possible arrangement of hinge-tits in the female chest, but hasn't bothered to figure out whether the implant will be filled with "liquid, gas or solid." Medical technologists spend years working on biocompatible materials, and this guy hasn't even chosen a state of matter. He clearly thought he didn't have time to work such minor details out. He had to get his idea for a drink umbrella you put in your chest patented before anyone else came up with the idea!
#2. Motorized Breast BlasterRotary Douche for Treating Breasts, Patent #3,667,455 (1972)
She's a dirty, filthy thing and should have her sexual organs sealed in rotating mechanical punishment plumbing. Whatever feelings that sentence stirred in you are exactly the ones you'd probably feel about the inventor of this device, who clearly missed his calling as the only dominatrix who isn't too much of a wimp to connect you to public utilities.
No one would put that on a human chest outside of a Saw movie.
The Rotary Douche mounts the mammary with an electromagnetic stator, with a sealing edge to trap the offending organ in a bell-shaped vessel. Rotary fingers then spin while firing water from all angles. This man uses more terrifying technology to deal with his target than the Ghostbusters.
From Dr. Doom's lingerie catalog.
The patent spends hundreds of words on how to dismantle the breastblaster to clean out tap water calcium deposits, while completely disregarding the part of the user experience where a living, breathing woman's tits are trapped in twin sternal washing machines. While that might suggest that he failed to consider women's feelings, we suspect that he had to remove all the references to "shrieking flesh bags" and didn't know another word for them. If it wasn't for three uses of the word "breasts," you'd swear it was a device for cleaning particularly troublesome diesel engines.
#1. The Most Sexist Invention in HistoryBreast Developing Jacket, U.S. Patent #3,500,832 (1970)
Ladies and gentlemen, behold the most sexist fluid-based technology since the non-stick stripper pole.
That is a harness designed to make a woman's breasts bigger by leashing her to the kitchen sink. The water even returns through an outflow valve so that the prisoner doesn't stop washing dishes. The patent refers to the victim as a "patient" and the process as "therapy," because the inventor considers not having big tits a medical problem. The inner layer of the jacket conforms to the wearer's breasts and assaults them, with the idea that running hot water over boobs will magically make them grow like oatmeal, ignoring the fact that if hot water caused breasts to swell, everyone would already have bigger breasts. Modern showers would have given women breast sizes you'd be able to win Scrabble with.
This was only two years after the famous "bra-burning" protest at the 1968 Miss America pageant, and even though no bras were actually burned, this lunatic still built a restraining water-filled self-extinguishing bra just in case. And that was still social progress compared to another madman's earlier invention.
"We're not necessarily treating you like livestock, but if you could lactate, it would defray the costs a bit."
Look at those expansion chambers. The inventor could have made everyone (including himself) happier if he'd just stapled two cows together and lived underneath them.
If H.R. Giger were a dairy farmer.
It's a shame that these people were designing breast restraint frames with skintight material hooked up to fluid hoses at a time when you had to pretend it was a medical treatment. Nowadays you can just admit you both enjoy it and go out and buy the damn thing.
Luke McKinney recently drank The Video Game Cocktail Experiment and investigated The Most Stupidly Expensive Cocktails in the World. He also tumbles and has a website.
For more patent ridiculousness, check out The 7 Most Terrifying Sex Toys Ever Patented and The 7 Most Absurd Inventions in the History of Alcoholism.