Breasts are made for use by mindless infants and are so powerful that they manage to reduce most adults to the same mental level. And while I'd like to promise that we'll get through this entire article without that mandatory CrackedBoobs shot from Kates Playground--
Editor: In your face, McKinney! And readers! And ourselves! (motorboat sounds)
Staring at breasts can reduce your IQ to something you can't even spell, let alone use, as proven by seven inventions that do for cleavage what cleavage does for intelligence tests.
7Breast-Boosting Waffle Iron Breast Sculpting Apparatus, Patent Application #2007/0049473 A1 (2007)
Three Californians decided that the natural human breast wasn't good enough (a common thought in those parts), but instead of installing silicone, they built what looks like a power-armored brassiere.
You'll need a giant screwdriver to get to second base.
But this system doesn't sculpt chests by encasing them in iron and forcing them to comply. It unfolds into exercise apparatus that claims to build the bosom by exercising your arms.
We're fairly sure this is a vital part of the Iron Woman armor (for people who like good comics: Rescue Armor).
The patent admits that breasts can't be exercised, a ballsy admission for any breast-exercising patent. It goes on to explain that it's designed to work your pectoral muscles, and those will make your boobs look good enough. This is a dubious claim for a few reasons. Developed pecs give female bodybuilders boobs like male bodybuilders'. And we're pretty sure pectorals can't be trained with a double-barreled sandwich-maker, forcing us to conclude that this is an attempt to build the world's most sexist device by saying "You need bigger tits and should make me toasted sandwiches."
By their logic, all Subway employees should be double Ds. Especially the men.
They claim the invention achieves the exact same result as bench presses with dangerously heavy weights. When they can't see any effective difference between breasts and firm, rugged pecs, there's something the two male inventors should really know about themselves.
Which may explain why they fantasize about robot dicks ejaculating numbers.
6Patenting Second Base Method for the Enhancement of Breasts, Patent Application #US 2005/0215174 A1 (2005)
Modern breast enlargement techniques leave a lot to be desired, a double-entendre that Joseph Gagliano would almost certainly deliver with both of his thumbs pointed toward his "FBI: Federal Booby Inspector" T-shirt. Gagliano is the inventor behind a method that "is all-natural and involves no drugs, topical or oral compositions, hormones or surgery" because it consists entirely of pawing at breasts until they get bigger. He describes how women can do it for themselves in such loving detail that I think this "patent" was actually erotic fan fiction sent to the wrong address because he was typing with one hand.
If getting yourself groped made breasts bigger, Tila Tequila wouldn't have needed surgery.
The "detailed description" reads like a letter to Penthouse, telling women to find a room where they won't be disturbed and play some relaxing music, and suggesting that rubbing oil on their own naked breasts is absolutely fine with him. His descriptions are so tenderly detailed that you can actually hear the Barry White as you read. After a full page of breast massage, he suggests that it works even better with a partner. He stops just short of reminding female readers that his address is on the first page. Ladies. He's not so much applying to the patent office as attempting to seduce them. They should have charged sex chat rates for processing this.
He also thinks women might accidentally puncture themselves.
This is nothing less than an attempt to patent second base and masturbation. I can see intellectual property lawyers jumping out at teenagers in cars to serve an injunction, but only if the RIAA didn't get there first because they were both listening to the same MP3. Joseph points out that previous techniques have "left much to be desired or too much to be handled," proving that this patent has rolled way past free-association and into admitting his motives. The patent didn't include any images, for which the patent office should probably be grateful.