Cracked Columnists

The 7 Most Ridiculous Things About Calling Out Fake Fangirls

Face front, True Believers! Your favorite comic book heroes like the X-Men are under threat from a dangerous new species, and these insidious aliens have escaped into the REAL WORLD. They're already all around you, acting like normal people and armed with terrifying physical powers of distraction. Are you prepared for ... THE FEMENONS?

Marvel
Don't worry, friends, our comics will always highlight their physical differences! You'll never risk thinking that a Femenon is a real person!

Yes, the world of comics is under attack by legions of Fake Geek Girls. Fortunately, some brave men have stepped forward to defend their hobby from these imposters. Unfortunately, every single one is a raging asshole.

Fake Geek Girls

There have always been attacks on "fake geek girls," but recently some comics professionals have joined the battle. Which makes sense, because fights with imaginary women who don't wear many clothes is a big part of that industry. Although that doesn't explain artist Tony Harris (Starman, Ex Machina) waking up and thinking "I make my living drawing comics, so I'd better call the guys pathetic losers and the girls whores. That way I can concentrate on my true fan base: the invisible Zorblaxians, aliens free from gender who talk through the fillings in my teeth!" Harris posted a long Facebook rant decrying the cosplayers and the pathetic men they prey on, and used a detailed number scale to explain exactly how "hot" these women really were.

via Wordballoon
This guy decided to explain hotness to people.

Here's a few choice quotes (but you should read the whole thing, one outpouring of blue balls crushed by their own overloaded pressure to create a pure diamond of misogyny):

"... according to a LOT of average Comic Book Fans who either RARELY speak to, or NEVER speak to girls. Some Virgins, ALL unconfident when it comes to girls ..."

His rant contains more sexual frustration than a monastery opposite a coed trampoline-testing park, and is less logical. You can actually see his intelligence decreasing as the rage burns out his remaining neurons, ending with that Algernonian flashback to the kindergarten where he developed his attitude toward women.

"... if ANY of these guys that you hang on tried to talk to you out of that Con? You wouldnt give them the fucking time of day. Shut up you damned liar, no you would not. Lying, Liar Face."

Getty
From this point, Harris swore revenge, and to destroy anything nice a female wanted to play with.

The Evil of Costumes

Harris' argument is that these fake geeks are psychic vampires, sucking up the attention of nerds.

"... the thought of guys pleasuring themselves to the memory of you hanging on them with your glossy open lips, promising them the Moon and the Stars of pleasure, just makes your head vibrate."

Harvesting the imagination of other people masturbating in order to power a psychic vibrator has to be the worst supervillain plan ever. He assumes that someone painstakingly crafting a character costume can only be doing it for men who like that character. He directly states that wearing a costume that a man might like implies the offer of sex. If he ever discovers swimwear, he'll have to be banned from beaches. The idea that a woman might like the costume, or anything, simply doesn't occur to him.

"And here it is, THE REASON WHY ALL THAT, sickens us: BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT COMICS, BEYOND WHATEVER GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH YOU DID TO GET REF ON THE MOST MAINSTREAM CHARACTER WITH THE MOST REVEALING COSTUME EVER."

He complains that some of them looked up the costume instead of memorizing all the stories. It's almost like comics have a visual component! As an artist, you'd think he'd know that. But after that rant, I'm not convinced that he remembers to breathe without a writer reminding him to.

Judging the Fake

The idea of standing in judgment over other fans is insane. You can't own geekdom. You enjoy it. That's what it's for. The only arena where your enjoyment can triumph over someone else's is martial arts, and comics trivia knowledge is the exact opposite skill set. The only comics person who gets to judge everyone in revealing clothing is Dredd.

2000 AD
Yo, Harris, THIS is what comic book artists do.

If you're calling someone out as a fake fan, what's your victory condition? Preventing someone else from liking things you like? When your plan is "prevent people from enjoying Superman," you're a Hostess snack cake villain, and even more irrelevant to the modern world. When someone appoints himself the World's Greatest Thor Fan, he needs to understand that Asgardians don't require defense against cooties. Those new fans aren't Skrulls. For a superhero, battling imposters isn't a problem, it's a Tuesday. And if you think the greatest Thor fan in the world is male, wow, you've been using a different Internet from me.

Marvel
Many geeks are now shouting "KISSSSS" and getting wetter.

There Is No Such Thing as a "Real" Geek

The Internet is stuffed with idiots decrying fake geek girls. Fighting against fake geeks is like fighting against unicorns: You're an asshole, and even if they were real, your stated goal is trying to kill something wonderful. More people liking things you like is a good thing. If you're actively trying to keep people out of your hobby, you don't have one -- you have an excuse. You're not celibate because of your chaste devotion to Green Lantern. Using Iron Man's armor as an excuse to avoid people is the most tragic thing I've ever heard, and it was designed to be a defense mechanism.

Marvel
Stark uses it for the opposite function.

If you want to be in charge of other geeks, great -- become a dungeon master. Set up an adventure, invite some players and realize that the whole point of liking things is to enjoy them together. Of course, every rant against fakes points out that they're not talking about the "real" geek girls. Which is weird, because I get paid to talk about why Iron Man can beat Batman, and I never sat for any official geek certification exam.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Luke McKinney

  • Rss

More by Luke McKinney:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

4,133 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!