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The 7 Most Preposterous Sexual Positions People Claim to Use

#3. Pool Humping

This seems like it makes sense at first, because who among us doesn't get all horned up by the smell of chlorine and the threat of stewing in tepid urine? Pool parties are fun, after all, and when you're in a pool, odds are you're at least half undressed anyway, so it's like an invitation to sexy times.

The terrible reality of pool sex is far removed from the sexalicious fantasy. To start with, if you were going to rank lubricants, chlorinated water would be near the ass end of the list, above root beer but below Sriracha. The other issue deals with the ebb and flow of tides. As nasty as it is for you to groinally ingest pool water, so too is it nasty for you to hose down that pool with your internal squirtings. As an impartial third-party swimmer, I can say with absolute certainty that if I were swimming along and ran face first into a semen barge, I don't give a fancy fuck how much chlorine is in that pool, I'm going to shout obscenities like a drunken sailor stubbing his toe. No one needs to play Marco Polo amidst your love jellyfish.

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Gross.

Logistically, this is also a letdown because basically you're just having sex standing up again, which we already know sucks, but now instead of potentially just losing your grip and falling, maybe you drown your partner. Plus, when switching over to any of those fun-time mouth maneuvers that are so popular in the sexplay these days, you're going to be met with a mouthful of clammy, cold pool-waterlogged flesh that, yes, probably is tainted with pee.

#2. The Butter Churner

I assume this position was invented by a man who hated his wife or by an exuberant Amish man who really loved his wife in the way he loved his work and switches religiously between this position and the ol' "barn raiser." It's a thin line, I'm sure. The gist of this position is that you're using the woman the same way you'd use a butter churn, which is basically a skinny barrel in which you plunge some manner of stick (in this case your dinky) over and over again to turn cream into butter. Of course, in the sex way the barrel is a vagina and the cream is, you know, sexing. If you somehow make actual butter, please see a doctor.

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Sexy. And better for you than margarine!

There are some issues with this position, not the least of which is that it requires the woman to take her entire weight plus the force of man-thrusting on her neck. Why would that be appealing? Also, so the man isn't left out of the discomfort, his penis needs to be entirely vertical and at the 6 o'clock position, which is just about the opposite of where it should be at any given time. The penis, contrary to some beliefs, is not a Mr. Potato Head appendage.

Once you're in position and the woman has blood rushing to her head and her breathing somewhat obstructed, you just start pogo-sticking her for all its worth in the hopes that, somewhere down there, you're not stepping on her face and she's really digging your moves.

#1. The Spider

If you were to name an animal that you equate with sex, you'd be something of a pervert. But then, if you picked the spider, you'd get the extra special notoriety of being super weird and gross at the same time, because spiders are the opposite of sex.

Grossness aside, in sex terms the spider seems to be what happens when you and your partner get in the crab walk position and smash your genitals together. Once you're locked in place, I guess you just vibrate and hum, or continue butting at each other like mountain goats trying to establish superiority. At some point Tab A and Slot B mush in a mutually satisfactory way and you disengage, or your wrists and knees grow tired and you collapse in a heap of dissatisfaction. Time will tell.

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Was it bad for you too?

For whatever reason, polite society has come to accept the inclusion of dog references in sex, and horses too. You can be hung like a horse and few people are offended, just as if you request a rousing bout of doggy dancing. But none of us have graduated to the point of being really turned on by a partner coming close and breathily saying, "I wanna fuck you like a spider." Honestly, my first instinct would be to presume she's going to kill me when it's over, and I'm not ready for that. Even if it's really good.

Making sex into a weird game of Twister seems kind of like you're going against the grain anyway. I'm all for trying new positions, but if the position makes you grunt before you even start having sex, it's likely not going to be worth it. Plus, what are the benefits of a position that, once again, requires the man's wang to at best be pointed south-southeast?

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Felix Clay

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