According to a pamphlet I found in the bathroom of the library downtown, there's a lot more going on in sex than you may have guessed. For instance, did you know you can do it different ways? And with someone else? It's quite the circus. Grab some popcorn and a clown!
In my limited sexing, I've enjoyed a few of the different fruits the Humptree has to offer, but there's a lot out there, and some of it seems like it was made up just so someone could say they did it, with little consideration for the practical and, dare I say, sensual benefits of such a maneuver. Let's take some time to go over some of the sexual repertoire that just doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense, and see if we can't figure out why.
(Everything Cosmo told you about sex is bullshit. Buy the Cracked De-Textbook to learn more.)
7 Standing Up
I can only assume upright sex was invented as a way to shame the weak and enfeebled who are incapable of holding up an entire second person while engaged in coitus. I struggle to keep my mind on not embarrassing myself during most sexual encounters. The added stress of keeping another body aloft would be far too much, and the end result would likely be my severed dingle and her greatly bruised ass with my foot in it.
I don't feel like there are many upsides to sex in this position. It's possible the woman enjoys some kind of lofty, weightless feeling, being tossed about like a sack of potatoes, but as a guy who could probably hump a sack of potatoes if I were so inclined, I'm not seeing the benefit. In fact, I just went to my kitchen, grabbed a bag of potatoes and held it close, and no, nothing. Even if I had put my dick in it, I feel like it would have been a loss for me.
As far as my brain is able to help me recall, this was the third sex position I was aware of. I knew you could be on top, I knew you could be behind, then somehow I knew you could gobble each others' hogs. I'm sure I picked it up in a conversation in the schoolyard, or maybe in an errant porno magazine I had gotten my hands on. Whatever the case, the 69 is a staple of sexing, and I challenge you to find someone who does not have at least one sad 69 story. It may be as popular as hell, but every sex advice website lists this as a "least favorite." It's like the Nickelback of humping.
The problem with 69ing is entirely logistical. On paper it sounds awesome -- you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, then later we lick crotches. High-five! But in practice, you're kneeling and squatting over faces, things don't line up right, you miss your mark and have breathing issues, one of you forgets to hold up your end of things, a stray teste in the eye detaches a retina, and the list goes on. It's really impractical, reversing the natural order of things for the sake of some monkey shines.
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"You put what where? LULZ!"
Now, sure, if you and your partner are of a similar size and complementary shapes, this may work out like gangbusters. When you ease into a 69 a golden light may flood the room and a soft, warming hum may fill the air to comfort you both and egg you on in your oral machinations, but likely most people fit together like a bulldog trying to get into a chihuahua's sweater.