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The 7 Most Mismatched Final Fights in Movie History

#3. Dredd -- Judge Dredd vs. Ma-Ma

Lions Gate

Judge Dredd frowns intensely through a tower of villains to get to Ma-Ma, played by Lena Headey, who reveals that she has a detonator attached to her wrist that will set off a bomb big enough to destroy the entire building (and the thousands of people living inside it) should her heart cease to beat.

Lions Gate
The deadliest slap bracelet known to man.

Pitting Dredd's morality against his sworn duty to murder every criminal on sight is a clever gambit, and we wait with breathless anticipation to see how this titanic battle of wits will play out, because if you're anything like me, a mental chess match between Karl Urban and Lena Headey is just as satisfying a conclusion to an action movie as a rooftop punch contest between Dwayne Johnson and Mechagodzilla. However, Dredd's response to this moral quandary is to immediately shoot Lena in the stomach and fling her out of a 200-story window.

Lions Gate

Lions Gate
"I could attempt to deconstruct that problem. Or, I could do this."

His reasoning is that the building is so far up that the detonator will be too far out of range to trigger an explosion by the time she hits the ground and dies, but still, he devotes precisely two seconds of thought to Lena's elaborate mass-murdering riddle before saying "Fuck it, YOLO" and pitching her through a windowpane.

Lions Gate
Yeah.

#2. Steven Seagal Cannot Be Defeated in an Under Siege Film

Warner Bros.

Steven Seagal apparently has some clause in his acting contract that forbids him not only from ever being defeated in a fistfight, but also from ever appearing as if he is at a disadvantage. Consequently, the final confrontations in his Under Siege movies tend to be about as intense as Jason Statham making a 2-year-old sit in the corner for spilling a box of grape juice.

In Under Siege, Seagal faces off against Tommy Lee Jones in a stolen battleship, which is a sentence that needs no punchline. However, in the film, Tommy Lee Jones plays a man that is so dangerous, the U.S. government can't even manage to assassinate him. He was also able to take over an active warship, so he's clearly no slouch.

Warner Bros.
Clearly.

But Seagal strolls into the control room of the ship for a brief slap fight against Tommy, then gouges his eye out, stabs a knife into the top of his head like he's carving a jack-o'-lantern, and finally throws Tommy's mortificated skull dome through an instrument panel, which then explodes in a shower of electricity like a Bon Jovi video.

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros.

That's like three different bad guy deaths, and Seagal cashed them all in on the same person in less time than it took to read this paragraph.

In Under Siege 2, Seagal finds himself on a train loaded with mercenaries hired by a villainous computer-hacking mastermind to help him accomplish whatever fairy-tale bullshit '90s cinema relentlessly believed computer hackers were capable of doing. Seagal lazily karate chops his way through a bunch of subordinates until he makes it to the badass mercenary leader, who challenges him to a knife fight. This quickly devolves into Seagal waving his hands around like an interpretive Daft Punk dance and slapping (literally slapping) the mercenary leader into dizzying submission.

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros.
Seagal's hands are too blazingly fast for mortal humans to react.

He then lifts the mercenary leader's defeated body off of the ground to snap his neck and deliver the flabby, inflectionless Seagal equivalent of a witty one-liner.

Warner Bros.

And although we weren't expecting much of a fight against the computer-hacking mastermind, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the fact that Seagal defeats him by slicing all his fingers off and dropping him into an immolating fireball blazing up from the wreckage of a detonating train.

Warner Bros.
Apparently neither one of these villains had seen the first movie.

#1. Rambo -- Rambo vs. An Entire Army

Lions Gate

Rambo is the ballad of John Rambo killing his way through the Burmese jungle to rescue a bunch of missionary workers from the clutches of an evil general armed with molesto-vision CHiPs glasses and the hyperactive sweat glands of an Uncanny X-Man.

Lions Gate

Rambo locates the missing people being held on a riverbed by the bad guy's entire army, because that's just the way things turn out when Rambo is on the case. In previous installments, we've seen him disrupt villainous compounds from within, so we're expecting a fairly drawn-out sequence of Rambo stealthily creeping his way down to the river, systematically eliminating enemies as he goes, and freeing the hostages to get them clear of the ensuing bullet festival. Now picture in your mind the exact opposite of that sentence. That's what Rambo does in this movie.

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He sprints up to an enemy jeep like he's being chased by a giant scorpion, chops the gunner's head off to steal the power of his Quickening, then turns the vehicle's 50-caliber machine gun onto the bad guy's army and kills every single one of them, down to the last man. He just blasts them all into oblivion in about four minutes while making Angry Stallone Face.

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Lions Gate
"[Stallone noises]!"

Lions Gate

Lions Gate
"[Stallone noises]!!"

Lions Gate

Lions Gate
"[STALLONE NOISES]!!!"

General Rapestache tries to run away, but Rambo teleports in front of him.

Lions Gate

Lions Gate

Rambo then hacks the villain's stomach open with a boat propeller and sends him tumbling down a hill with his guts noodling out like a bunch of Fruit Roll-Ups in an old wet lunch sack, and we all listen to Slayer on the drive home from the theater.

Lions Gate
Looks like he won't be in The Expendables 3, either.


Tom was thoroughly unprepared for the one-sided battle that was rewatching Under Siege 2. Read his novel Stitches and follow him on Twitter and Tumblr.

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