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The 7 Most Impressive Dick Moves in Online Gaming History

#3. Turning Pets into Suicide Bombs -- World of Warcraft

Some people go to a remote cave system, allow an evil force to turn a living thing into a bomb, then take it to the most capitalist location they can find and let it explode. Those people are in World of Warcraft, so Blizzard probably saved the Department of Homeland Security by building them a voluntary brain prison.

Michael Blann/Digital Vision/Getty Images
"I could kill evil monsters, but it's more fun with real people, and where are you going?"

The fire elemental boss Baron Geddon cast a Living Bomb debuff, which turned players or summoned pets into massive 10-second grenades. Ten-second grenades that were paused, not cancelled, if that pet was dismissed, allowing players to smuggle these living bombs into civilian areas of the game where attacks weren't normally possible and kill a room full of people by shouting, "Here, boy!"

The bomb hit for a basic 3,200 damage, amplified by any damage-increasing gear worn by the victims, and (like any attack) caused expensive durability damage on death. So dropping it in the auction house, packed with unsuspecting victims buying and trying out the most expensive and powerful gear they could afford, was more perfectly targeted dicking than rubbing the G-spot.

Blizzard
The only other place you can ruin so many people with imaginary numbers is Wall Street.

This utilized the same pet-debuff exploit as the corrupted blood plague, which exterminated entire servers. Man, you'd think if anyone understood that players will do the same things over and over again, it would be the developers of World of Warcraft.

#2. The Purple Pot Machine Gun -- Ultima Online

Ultima Online was one of the earliest and most infamous online games. It had all the community spirit of a slaughterhouse built on an Indian burial ground, and about the same survival rate. The first thing new players learned was that less new players could and would murder them. The game was a vast pyramid of people pissing downward, and your reward for continued play was looking up and climbing.

Origin Systems
You actually felt lucky if you got far enough for this to happen.

But this is the Internet -- beginners should be able to be total dicks to everyone, too! And giving doofuses access to amazing abilities they never earned is technology's entire deal.

Creatas Images/Creatas/Getty Images
"This GPS system, which understands aspects of general relativity I can't even spell, is so slow and stupid!"

Scripts (or macros) are mindless programs that execute a set of boring, repetitive commands so that humans don't have to. They give MMO players great power, in the same way that combining matter and antimatter gives great power: You're combining total opposites to destroy the point of both.

Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
BEEP BOOP YOU HAVE PROGRAMMED ME TO PLAY WITH MYSELF BEEP BOOP I WAS LESS UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN IT WAS ME WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE ERROR ERROR

Players wrote scripts to select and throw purple potions, alchemical grenades that exploded on contact. The script removed the hassle of inventory access and selection that normally made this a special weapon, turning it into a machine gun. A slow-firing gun, but a gun that fired exploding bullets in a world where everyone else had swords. Unlike intended combat abilities, it could maintain full damage output even when both parties were running at full speed, so shooting fleeing enemies in the back went from war crime to standard protocol.

This wasn't some obscure effect exploited for minor advantages. It was spammed by more online beginners than the Google search for "tits" -- a horde of nobodies running around unleashing alchemical fire on anything and everything that crossed their path. It drove expert players insane. You had some dumbass with a ludicrously lethal weapon insisting that it's absolutely legal according to the rules as they now stand, and you could do nothing to prevent them from just killing you at any time except hope they didn't. It was almost like meeting someone with a real gun!

#1. The Greatest Dick Ever -- EVE Online

Of course EVE is No. 1. Thousands of EVE players only read this far to check that it was, and I lied when I said that they read instead of scrolled. EVE is what happens when someone gives Ayn Rand a warp drive and tells her, "You know what? Andrew Ryan wasn't enough of a capitalist dickhead in gaming!"

CCP
This monocle alone cost 60 real dollars, and this caption is NOT A JOKE.

In EVE, attacking people, hiring professional trolls, even destroying thousands of real dollars are all fairly regular occurrences. To stand out as a dick in this world, you have to take it to the next level, and Alexander "The Mittani" Gianturco was a giant dick on so many levels, he's rendered Dubai skyscrapers permanently obsolete.

Chris Jackson/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Beyond a certain point, it would have been cheaper and less blatant to grow a giant real penis.

As head of Goonfleet, one of the most powerful alliances in EVE space, he targeted a gullible miner called "The Wis" (as in "wizard"). (In EVE, miners are people who escape reality by pretending to be computer programs, repeating the same boring actions over and over to make a small number bigger.) Goonfleet annihilated the Wis so brutally and repeatedly that he sent the Mittani a personal message begging to be left alone, confessing that EVE was all that kept him going since his wife left him and pledging to stay out of Goonfleet's way.

By the way, it's a good rule to assume that anything you write online might be seen by the entire world.

The Mittani didn't just share this mail: He flew to Iceland to present it as a PowerPoint, grabbing a microphone and putting on a wizard hat to read it out in a whiny voice at the official EVE Fanfest 2012, which was being broadcast live around the world, closing by giving out the target's name and inviting everyone else in the game to target him and help drive him to suicide.

That is the Eiffel Tower of dickery, because it doesn't matter if you disapprove -- you still have to admire the sheer level of work put into the pointless gesture. That is more single-minded commitment to being a jerk than converting to Buddhism so you can reincarnate as a Caribbean chef's chicken. Van Helsing didn't travel so far or employ so much technology to destroy his target.

CCP,EVE FanFest2012

"I put on my wizard hat."

There was more fallout than Bethesda. Developers CCP banned the Mittani for a month and kicked him from his position as chairman of the player council -- this is the same company that OK'ed massive banking fraud and the outright destruction of tens of thousands of dollars of player money in-game. When you're such a dick that not only are you visible from space, but that space kicks you back to the real world for a timeout, you are without question the greatest dick in online gaming history.



Luke continues the gaming madness with The Craziest Video Game Patent Of All Time and The 5 Most Gratuitously Sexy Video Games Ever.

The other dick moves you're thinking of are probably in The 7 Biggest Dick Moves in the History of Online Gaming, The 7 Most Elaborate Dick Moves in Online Gaming History, or The 6 Most Spectacular Dick Moves in Online Gaming History. If you've got another one, let Luke know by Twitter, on Tumblr, or in the comments below.

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