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The 7 Most Elaborate Dick Moves in Online Gaming History

#3. The Shard Vigil (of Harry) (Asheron's Call)

The entire history of mythology is unrelenting douchebaggery, from heroes deciding that murder is cool as long as they're a different race to gods bending cosmic forces to screw over someone who forgot to say thanks once. And on the Thistledown server one group transcended this divine dickishness to become legend. Turbine ran a year-long story triggered by players shattering precious crystals, because chasing shiny objects and killing things are all MMO gamers ever do. Unless you want them to in which case they'll do the exact opposite.


The "Defenders of the Shard" set up camp around the sixth and final crystal, the Shard of the Herald, the prison of Bael' Zhaeron, Hopeslayer, and nicknamed it Harry. Twenty-four hours a day they defended it against other players and sacrificed themselves to it, because Asheron's Call monsters can level up by killing players. The Harry Krishnas impaled themselves on His Spikiness until He was practically invincible. This one group was holding up the next update for every server of the entire game.

The developers had to step in, and in the awesome manner of movie bad guys they stepped down to fight the players on their own level. Instead of simply rewriting the crystal as gone, they appeared in-game as mythical characters and called two high-level players to join their attack. These players had completed an earlier quest making them indebted to the story's cause but, brilliantly, one had already defected and was now a Disciple of Harry.


Emases street, working together to make sure NOBODY plays.

The admins donned their epic weapons, sallied forth and got their asses kicked. They were killed by their own players in a world they'd built, making this officially a science-fiction movie. Twenty Turbine staff watching on a break-room screen were treated to players jumping up and down on the admin's corpses. Because Asheron's Call doesn't have a crouch button. Worse, Harry had resisted command level instructions to power down. The staff joked that He had attained sentience. Understand: If a computer program ever escapes and kills us it won't be because of the military, it'll be because gamers trained it to.

The staff tried again. And again. They got third time lucky in their own game, and instead of banning people they paid tribute to their valiant foes. The Thistledown server got a unique monument, the "Shard Vigil Memorial," honoring the players who had kicked the company's ass for so long.


Sony, Microsoft: This is better than banning people.

#2. Vaporizing One Thousand Real Dollars (EVE)

Crowd Control Productions (CCP) infamously live up to their name with EVE Online, a spacefaring game where people pay to plug into a computer to pretend to work for simulated corporations. You could say they have a dedicated fanbase, but only because clicking on the player agreement means it's legally not slavery.


Warning: more numbers than most careers.

In an act of diabolical genius CCP created their own currency without all the problems of being declared a rogue state or arrested by the Icelandic Ministry of the Interior. They set up PLEX, Pilot Licence EXtensions, where you can convert fake game money into 30 days of extra playing time. With a cash value of $15. So now players can work in the game to be allowed to continue to work in the game. It's the closest humanity has come to the Matrix.


Damn noob.

They invented their own world and cash currency to use there -- there are drug lords with less control over their customers. And if you think this was CCP's full evil plan, they haven't even started stroking their fluffy white cat yet. The diabolical dick move was to introduce PLEX as in-game items, meaning you could trade it and carry a cargo of real money through a universe of players out to murder you. When you destroy a ship there's a chance its cargo will turn up in the wreckage loot, and note the evil eighth word in that sentence.

Players "slickdog" and "Viktor Vegas" found a lone cargo hauler with carrying 74 PLEX, over $1,100, and promptly blew the shit out of it. And every single one of the dollars. Not one PLEX survived. Over a grand was electronically vaporized, because that grand had already been paid to CCP who professionally don't give a shit what happens to money after that. They've set up a system where they make money when other people destroy it, and you can't even Occupy Jita because you'd have to pay them for the privilege.

#1. World of Warcraft's Winner

There are two main types of MMO. In Player vs. Environment (PvE) everyone's in it together, fighting the monsters, and in Player vs. Player (PvP) you can kill each other, because everyone thinks they're going to be the Mad Max instead of the guy who tried to catch the razor-boomerang.


Fear my Level 85 might!

Angwe taught them the error of their ways. He was like dropping libertarians into Somalia -- the embodiment of everything they'd claimed to want and it was killing them. He camped a bottlenecked route into Menethil Harbor, the only path to a couple of mid-level Alliance destinations, and murdered every single person who passed every single time they tried.

There was more online rage against Angwe than against everyone else who's ever been compared to Hitler combined. There is no body part he hasn't been accused of sucking, eating, being or enjoying his mother's. He received death threats, but World of Warcraft death threats are less worrying than fireballs, which can at least pretend to hurt something. Angwe even had an Alliance account so he could listen to his victims, and in an act of combat dickery worthy of the U.S. Army Psychological Ops division it was called "Angwespy."


Oh, so it's just a game, I'M STILL GOING TO BE PSYCHOTIC ABOUT IT.

He was the incarnation of Player vs. Player. People asked if he ever worked. Some wondered if he even slept. They wrote entire FAQs on how to get past him involving teleportation stones, clone characters and leaping from the boat and swimming along the shore instead of going through the port. Players regularly went through more hassle to get past Angwe than real people did to get into America. He was less a dick than a force of nature, a landscape-altering dick deforming the entire world like Zeus or Odin. Beating him was an achievement back before that was a thing.

So mankind aren't just the real monsters. We make the best boss characters too!

For more gaming dick moves check out The 7 Biggest Dick Moves in the History of Online Gaming and A Gamer's Manifesto.

Luke McKinney's favorite tactic is maintaining Level 3 teleporters on Dustbowl while explaining how Beer Built Civilization. He also tumbles and has a website.

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