The 7 Most Baffling Things About Women's Clothes

#3. There's No Such Thing as a "Regular" T-Shirt

NFLShop.com

Men like to use T-shirts as billboards to show everyone what their favorite band, or team, or joke is, and when they see a T-shirt with the perfect saying on it, they just need to pick a size and buy it. Women also like to make similar statements with T-shirts, but it's not that easy.

Women's torsos can be a myriad of different shapes, not just for obvious reasons (boobs), but for waist-to-hip ratio and torso length as well. And women's clothes, while not all skintight, are expected to be at least semi-fitted -- to at least tuck in somewhat below the bust.

A baggy hockey jersey once in a while is "cute," but not the preferred full-time look for most women.

The fit isn't just about bust size, but how far down the boobs are as well. As such, you can find something that fits your bust size but expects them to be lower/higher than they are, or it can fit both of those things, but be too short for your long torso.

So the end result is that if you find, say, a Dethklok women's T-shirt with the perfect, most metal design, odds are that size small will cut off above your belly button and size large will fit two of you, or you'll have to bind your chest to wear it, or some other mismatch. Or even worse, they've put a weird V-neck on it or freakishly short sleeves, or some other attempt at making it "fashionable" and "feminine."

I just feel like this is disrespectful to Superman somehow.

You can buy a men's shirt instead, but if you have any kind of figure, it will either hang like a tent or be too snug on one end of the hourglass or the other.

The end result of all this is that because of the good cut, I end up wearing my World of Warcraft T-shirts a lot even though I don't play the game anymore and am honestly a little embarrassed.

To make things worse, it is a warlock class shirt, of all things.

#2. Clothes That Need Instructions

One thing I'm pretty sure men don't have to ask when clothes shopping is, "Is this supposed to be a long shirt, or a short dress?" This is a common question for many women. If you're at a department store, you might be lucky enough to see it printed on the price tag, but if not, good luck. Other pieces of clothing that can be confused are tube tops and short skirts, leg warmers and arm warmers, and whether something is supposed to be pajamas or not.

Even if you technically know what something is, like a wrap sweater, that doesn't mean you know how to wear it. If you didn't know anything about wrap sweaters, how would you think you're supposed to wear this?

eHow
Quick, take a guess before you look at the answer.

It's not as simple as you think, because apparently people actually have to make videos about how to wear these.

eHow
I don't even know if this lady in the video is right or if she's just making this up as she goes along.

But possibly the king (or queen) of "How the hell am I supposed to wear this?" is this American Apparel ... dress?

American Apparel
Click here for the uncensored version, penis and all.

It claims to be a dress. You don't really get a lot of help as to how or when you're supposed to wear it. There are some "what to wear underneath" suggestions to the right, but that model in the main picture seems to be ignoring all those suggestions, almost as if American Apparel is deliberately fucking with its customers. Are you supposed to wear it around the house? Can you wear this to a formal event? I know it's acceptable to show up half-naked to the Oscars, but what about Grandma's funeral?

All these questions, and all you get from the official description is "A sheer, sexy and form-fitting sleeveless maxi-dress with a high neckline and a sexy plunging deep V-back detail." Thanks a lot.

Not surprisingly, every single review is sarcastic.

#1. There's No Such Thing as "Regular" Clothes

"Well, sure, all that might be a problem if you are always shopping for fashionable, fancy clothes," you might say. "You should just go to a regular store and buy normal, not-fancy clothes." The problem is that they've almost stopped making normal, not-fancy clothes.

Remember Gap? It used to be known as a store where you could buy dependable, boring staples like jeans, sweatshirts and plain T-shirts. If anyone remembers that Gap, they wouldn't recognize it today. Looking for a nice, regular long-sleeve shirt? How about an upside-down drawstring garbage bag with a giant V cut into the neckline?

Gap.com
On the bright side, you could easily put a day's worth of trash in there.

The problem is that women's fashion has to change every year, preferably to some type of clothes that haven't existed before, because the economic model of women's clothes depends on at least a certain group of women buying new clothes every year, which they are less likely to do if the fashions haven't changed.

Unfortunately, all the good styles have already been invented, which means that in order to come out with something that's never been done before, it has to be retarded and look bad on most women. Sometimes they can be lazy and bring back an old style, like with the recent '80s revival, but designers do put their own stamp on it to make it technically new, and usually more ugly and inconvenient (a fine feat with '80s wear). Making the material thinner is always a great trick.

And for some reason, more and more staid, dependable, "regular" clothes stores like Gap and Target are trying to capture the "fashionable" market by carrying more of these stupid short-lived fad trends and less of the timeless, washable styles. When I go in to replace my leggings or skirt, all I find are goddamned jeggings and bubble skirts, which must have been created on a dare because nobody looks good in them.

How could anyone look good wearing a balloon around their hips?

So yeah, I know some stores have always got to be providing the latest stupid fashions everybody wants. But how about we all don't jump on the bandwagon and some stores sit tight and keep offering the rest of us some normal clothes we can put in the washing machine? And put some damn pockets on them.

For more from Christina, check out 'Plus Sized' Clothes: Translating the Baffling Euphemisms and 5 Reasons Riding a Bike Is The Most Humiliating Exercise.