7The Cocktail Hat__new_line__Patent #4,681,244 __new_line____new_line__This is a hard hat with more fluid tubes than the human body. It was invented by John D. Geddie, presumably in an attempt to solve his two most common problems: falling off bar stools and hitting his head on the ground, and being subsequently cut off by whoever saw him fall, as well as the guy who rode with him in the ambulance. His solution to these problems is both a testament to his love of booze and a symptom of multiple concussions. __new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__The helmet appears to have plenty of plumbing issues, but the grossest part has to be all the residual alcohol left in the tubes in between uses. Before you get to the daiquiri you just poured, you're going to have to make your way through a couple inches of runoff vermouth from last weekend. Of course, anyone who considers the standard glass-to-mouth drinking method too much work probably isn't going to mind. __new_line____new_line__A more serious problem for the type of person who would own this helmet is the bank of eight tiny controls on the forehead. Any man who is so desperate for alcohol that he will suck sticky liquids through a foot of narrow-gauge pipe should not be trusted to remember which identical knob controls the vodka. __new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__RoboCop has simpler headgear.
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Eight controls for only six drink reservoirs may seem a bit odd, but keep in mind that the inventor was probably seeing double when he designed it. __new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Several vital plumbing connections run through the inside of the helmet where normal people keep their brain.
6Beerbrella__new_line__Patent Application #US 2003/0075208 A1__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__The only way you could not see the problem with the Beerbrella is if you'd already tried to use it and poked out an eye. __new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Three inventors got through seven schematics without realizing that they'd invented an antibeer shield. They're either total idiots or devilishly cunning anti-alcohol crusaders: The Beerbrella itself might only stop you for a second, but clumsily stabbing yourself in the face with this would force bystanders to stage an intervention in the middle of Oktoberfest. They also bring the worst of the world of cocktails to simple beer with a "tropical base" ...__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Nope, they still can't see the problem.
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__... which is blatantly unnecessary, because fitting an umbrella to your beer is already ringing a douchebag alarm loud enough to deafen everyone within earshot. Only one of their designs acknowledges that people actually drink beer, including a pivot system and counterweight to double the bottle's weight. And since trash like this is only ever built by the current winner of the "Country With Fewer Human Rights for Workers Than an Ant Colony" award, the only one not designed to poke your eye out is probably going to break after approximately 0.5 uses. We'd make fun of them more, but being the first people in history to prevent beer from working is actually sort of impressive.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__The Thunderbirds built more sensible things around small fake trees.