The 7 Least Sexy Songs About Sex

#3. Louise Huebner's Seduction Through Witchcraft

In 1969, Louise Huebner --aka "the Official Witch of Los Angeles County" and "the only officially appointed Official Witch in the entire Cosmos" -- released an album of sexy spells, such as "The Coleopterous Charm for Romantic Adventure," which Professor Donegal MacHardbody taught at Hogwarts (until he was sent to Azkaban after his first week).

Huebner's most important occult tips came from the above track, "Orgies -- A Tool of Witchcraft." Here, she informs us that "enchanters need orgies [as] the orgy will help you generate the electric and magnetic impulses you'll need in order to cast spells." Now it makes sense why Gandalf hung out with all those damn dwarfs in The Hobbit.

Their tiny beards generated oodles of static electricity.

#2. "Up With the Cock!" by Judge Dread

A few years before the comic book character Judge Dredd hit the scene, there was Judge Dread, a white English reggae singer who made his career getting his lewd ditties banned from the BBC. Perhaps the Judge's most idiosyncratic contribution to recorded music was his 1977 ode to barnyard innuendo, "Up With the Cock!" which sounded like, uh, this:

This truly is the song with it all: goats, roosters, ska brass blaring enough to wake the neighbors, and a man who sounds like Cookie Monster made human flesh. When I hear the vocals, I like to imagine they're being sung by Dick Van Dyke, who fell on hard times after Mary Poppins flitted out of town. (Poor bastard's been jonesing for a fix of magic chalk; no wonder he could never keep a steady job in that movie.)

"Mary, will we be insane forever?"

#1. Erotica: The Rhythms of Love

Quite simply, this headache-inducing 1962 LP is someone listlessly smacking on bongos while an unseen couple goes to town on the ricketiest bed ever built. (They could be screwing in a pile of Slinkys for all we know.) Peals of joy are nowhere to be heard, only otherworldly squawks and the SKREECH-SKREECH-SKREECH of tectonic lovemaking. But hey, if you often pleasure yourself to the revving of diesel engines, this record might charbroil your loin-meats.

You can find Cyriaque Lamar on Twitter.

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