#3. Bret Michaels -- Get Your Rock On
Release Date: Some as yet to be determined but guaranteed sad day in 2012 Record Label: One that probably burns their albums onto CDRs using a $300 laptop and distributes them by hand at NASCAR events The Sad Details: One day, we'll all look back and agree that VH1 ruined the world. The reasons are too numerous to list here, but just know that if I did put that list together, the #1 spot would be dedicated to their decision to thrust Bret Michaels back into the limelight, well after it was assumed by all that a combination of grunge music and Type 1 diabetes had silenced him forever. But we were wrong, and now he's back and determined to stick around. Not even being targeted for death by a Tony Awards backdrop has slowed him down. So, thanks to America's obsession with reality shows about chicks with loose morals, we have to sit back and act like it's not at all strange that we're still getting new Bret Michaels music in 2012. It's a problem natural selection would have otherwise eliminated long ago, until VH1 and their "Celebreality" intervened. This time around, the new album is called Get Your Rock On. Nothing lame about that! Expect it to be jam-packed with songs that will provide concertgoers the perfect opportunity to head to the restroom or concession stand until Bret finally gets around to playing whatever 25-year-old Poison song people (meaning rednecks) actually want to hear.
#2. Marilyn Manson -- Born Villain
Release Date: February 2012, in time for Valentine's Day, hopefully Record Label: His own, obviously The Sad Details: I don't know, is this a controversial choice? Are there still people out there clamoring for new Marilyn Manson music? Is the public still divided as to whether or not he's some sort of innovator who deserves our respect, or did everyone finally figure out that he's just Alice Cooper minus the pro-level golf skills and classic songs?
Personally, I think the last praiseworthy thing Marilyn Manson did was setting Rose McGowan free. But maybe some of you disagree. If so, you're more than welcome to express your displeasure in the comments section. Your ridiculous opinion will be duly noted and ultimately dismissed as the ravings of a lunatic. Listen, anyone not currently plotting to shoot up their high school knows that the days of Marilyn Manson being some sort of edgy counterculture poster boy ended sometime in the mid-'90s. Now, he's just a sad parody of himself, clinging to the idea that his bullshit music speaks to the disaffected masses, when all it really does is disinterest the masses.
#1. Scott Stapp (former lead singer of Creed) -- Somewhere in the Middle of Lust and Love
Release Date: I don't care when. I just want to know how this happened. Record Label: No, seriously. Tell me. How in the hell is this happening? The Sad Details: Answer me, goddammit! Is this not a menace we have already defeated? Aren't we supposed to be done with Scott Stapp by now? Before I get too emotionally invested in my seething rage, let me sidebar for a moment with the people who might be lucky enough to have never heard of Scott Stapp. He was the lead singer of Creed, a band that dominated the early part of the 2000s (or the "aughts," if you're the type who likes saying things that make people want to slap you). He's responsible for songs like "With Arms Wide Open," which in and of itself is probably enough provocation to get the U.N. to sign off on a formal declaration of war against the United States. He's the type of guy who specializes in being vaguely Christian whenever the opportunity presented itself, only to be filmed getting head from a groupie on Kid Rock's tour bus and showing up drunk and incoherent at a show in Chicago, prompting a lawsuit from angry fans. He claimed the Chicago incident wasn't about alcohol at all, but rather a "symbolic, personal gesture." Yep, he's that much of an asshole. No word on whether he followed that statement up by throwing another Orangina bottle at his wife's face or striking one of his legendarily obnoxious Jesus poses.
Pretentiousness of the sort displayed by this man should be added to the list of deadly sins. Just check out the name of the album. Somewhere Between Lust and Love? What the fuck does that mean? Why not just call the album Like? If there is one bright spot in the story of Scott Stapp's impending return, it's that the album still doesn't have a firm release date. And if the God that Scott Stapp pretends to believe in for record sales purposes does really exist, it never will. Adam is a music snob who secretly enjoys the music of Kelly Clarkson. Be his friend on Facebook and Twitter.
For more from Adam, check out The 6 Most Atrocious Uses of Facial Hair in Music History and The 11 Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics Ever.