The 7 Jerks You Meet in Every Gym

#3. The Tight Shorts Guy

There are many parts of the male anatomy that are more suitably covered by loose, draped fabrics. The lumpy bits, but also the other ones. Anything described as a "bit," in fact, should have its contours kept well away from prying eyes. But that's not acceptable to Tight Shorts Guy, whose bits' contours are going to be in your face whether your face likes it or not (it doesn't).

Now, obviously we're all in these places to look better, so it makes a certain amount of sense to take pride in your accomplishment. Like a spike after a touchdown, or a Nobel Prize acceptance dance, these little celebrations are a part of being human. But if someone's sole accomplishment is "really solid hamstrings" and their celebration makes people want to be somewhere "else," they're probably doing something wrong.

How to Deal with Him: Being someplace else is the preferred approach, but if that's not possible (maybe you have a really bad home life), then you'll just have to stare at the ceiling. Which is unfortunate, as this neck angle can interfere with your proper lifting form and get drippings in your eyes.

#2. The Tight Shorts Girl

Related to but subtly different from Tight Shorts Guys, these are girls in tight shorts, and they are, in many respects, fantastic.

The only downside -- and again I should point out that there are so, so many upsides -- is that they will make you forget how to breathe and you will die.

How to Deal with Her: Focus on taking deep breaths using your abdomen. This will maximize the amount of oxygen entering your lungs, and make you look kind of like a weird frog, which will encourage Tight Shorts Girl to move away from you, removing the threat. And whatever you do, don't stare directly at a Tight Shorts Girl, lest you turn yourself into the worst type of gym villain ...

#1. The Starer

Obviously you can find Starers in many places other than the gym. There are usually about four of five of them in every Denny's, for example. But given the self-consciousness issues at play when working out, and the tight shorts that Tight Shorts Girls like to wear, Starers are at their most bothersome in the gym.

As a Dripper prone to singing the instrumental theme to Conan the Barbarian while doing Pilates, I'm used to receiving some uncomfortable stares at the gym, but the looks rarely linger. I can't imagine the hell a Tight Shorts Girl goes through when these guys are around. If only there was some enumerated Internet article that listed ways of dealing with guys like this ...

How to Deal with Him: Well, you could always go to one of those women-only gyms, although on behalf of all the Drippers out there, I'd like to ask that you don't. Wearing less-tight clothing is another option, and will certainly minimize the chance of Dripper heart attacks.

But it could interfere with your flexibility.

The final option is to politely and confidently approach the Starer and calmly state, "Excuse me, sir, it makes me really uncomfortable when you touch yourself like that." "But I'm not touching myself at all," he'll say, truthfully. That's when you hit him in the crotch with a 10-pound kettlebell. "PERVERT!" you shout. "SOMEBODY HELP! THIS PERVERT IS PLAYING POCKET SOLITAIRE AND HE'S ABOUT TO WIN!" At that point someone, probably a Weight Belt Guy, will come grab the Starer and throw him through a mirror. It would have been a Dripper to come help, and we definitely wanted to help, but these elliptical things are a little tricky to dismount. Seriously, if you mess up getting off an elliptical thing, you may never win pocket solitaire again.


For more guides to the crappier things in life from Chris, check out The 7 Types of Holiday Fights You're About to Get In and Is Kim Kardashian an Idiot? An Objective Analysis.

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