#3. Gifts For Bruce Wayne
Bruce Wayne's obviously a fictional character, so unless you're insane and have trouble distinguishing reality from written works, we're going to assume you're trying to buy a gift for a Bruce Wayne-like friend. You know, a rich guy who already has everything, who lives in a mansion perched on a porous limestone bluff and shows up to work with mysterious bruises every day.
Obviously expensive gifts aren't going to impress him; you're going to have to go for something small and thoughtful. Something that says yes, you've deduced he's the masked vigilante wailing on street-thugs every night, but that you're willing to keep his secret. Implicit in this gift is that your silence will cost him some sort of grossly expensive bribe-present, like a boat encrusted in jewels, or a tiger with massive spinning rims.
This concealer set is the perfect way to say, "I care," and "If you need to talk about your terrible home life, I'm here for you."
Also, "You look like you got your ass kicked by 12 guys dressed in plant-themed costumes last night."
This gift shows that you understand the challenges he faces, but wish he'd be a little more respectful and not fall asleep during your PowerPoint presentations. Any energy drink will get this message across, but the only energy drink with the earthy flavor of Steven Seagal -- and consequently the only energy drink worth having -- is Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt.
It comes in two flavors, Cherry Charge and Asian Experience, and if you're not drinking Asian Experience, we don't know what you're doing reading this site.
Skin Tight: Rubbermen, Macho Fetish and Fantasy
The perfect read for a confirmed bachelor with a closet full of of rubber pants who spends all night out "on the town" only to return covered in sweat and bruises.
Pros: The chapter on chafing control alone is full of useful tips. Cons: Illustrated.
#2. Gifts For Someone On The Run From The Law
By their very nature, many Cracked readers find themselves living on the fringes of society, picking at scabs, inventing fetishes and otherwise lurking in the long shadows cast by civilization's distant light. In this crowd, it's a surety that a healthy number of Cracked readers' acquaintances will find themselves on the wrong side of a legal matter this holiday season. How can you shop for someone who needs to pack light and doesn't want many seizable assets?
This might seem like an obvious gift, but remember that disguises often have to be disposed of, and your giftee will always have a need for fresh faces, whether fleeing from U.S. Marshals, or engaged in some kind of Mrs. Doubtfire type child custody hijinx.
These choices from the Heroes of History collection seem particularly daring.
A 1977 Pontiac Firebird is a timeless method for escaping the clutches of bumbling Southern police departments. Please note that it's only marginally effective at escaping from bumbling Northern police departments; the preferred vehicle for that being a cop car, with a cop motor, cop tires, cop suspension and cop shocks.
Human cloning presents all sorts of different ethical challenges, so there's no reason to not add another one to the list: creating a clone to serve jail time for your friend.
"Hey warden, do you think the fact that you've arrested twelve thousand men for the same liquor store robbery should tell you something funny is going on?"
How this will work is still a bit unknown, but if comic books tell us anything, it will probably happen by accident in a laboratory explosion. So buy a ticket in your friend's name for one of those laboratory tour groups that are probably always happening. Tell him to bring a cup of his sperm too, just in case that's a necessary element.
#1. Gifts For Someone Who's Injured Themselves Using Nunchuks
Every mother dreads the day her son kills himself with nunchuks. To help your friend's mother rest easy at night, try giving him one of the following gifts. Be sure to tell him why you're doing it. Use the words: "I think about your mother sleeping, a lot," while making eye contact, and keeping a friendly hand on his shoulder.
Foam Training Nunchuks
These foam training nunchuks are a great way for your friend to practice the various forms, grips and fruity looking twirls of nunchuking, without smashing himself up too much. Nunchuking is embarrassing enough without the long cylindrical bruises on the face, and the childish speculation they provoke amongst bystanders.
Full Face Helmet
This full face snowboarding helmet is designed to protect the wearer from high-speed collisions with rocks and stupidity, and should certainly be able to withstand the early phases of nunchuk mastery.
On the downside, the brim helps keeps the sun out of the eyes, which removes one of the excuses for failed nunchuk mastery.
Economists suspect that upwards of 80 percent of all nunchuk purchases are made by someone in the grips of the manic phase of classic bipolar syndrome, and public health officials have long been advocating more active treatment and harm-reduction options in high-nunchuking areas. As the preferred choice for treating bipolar syndrome, lithium would make a fine gift for your friend.
It may even prevent him from degenerating further and buying sais.
Obviously obtaining lithium is tricky without a compliant doctor, but remember that a lot of batteries have lithium in them these days, so maybe throw a couple of those in a blender and see what happens. Worst case scenario, he gets to meet a real doctor.
Actually, we've just checked with our lawyers, and there may be worse case scenarios when trying this, so, you know, wear a helmet.
Check out more from Chris in 5 Silver Linings Now That Identity Theft Ruined Your Life and The 6 Most Overhyped Technologies.