The only person who loves lists more than Cracked is the Lord of Hosts: You’ve got The Ten Commandments, The Seven Deadly Sins and if I’m not mistaken, The Six Moderately Detrimental Sins (my favorite is “lying about flatulence”). Heck, the Vatican has even released a list of 7 New Deadly Sins for the Modern Age, paving the way for a new Morgan Freeman/Brad Pitt vehicle wherein Kevin Spacey performs abortions, pollutes the environment and uses cloning technology to horde excessive wealth.
Of course, those vices went out with flannel and Pearl Jam. Today’s tech savvy populace has a much more important set of problems. And, unless everything I learned at the Cracked.com School For Writing Funny was a lie, those problems need listing. So put down the headset, log out of the lobby and witness the word of Cracked, presented as always in a numerically decreasing fashion. Lo, I give unto thee: THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS OF ONLINE GAMING
Imagine It:
You’ve just single-handedly fought your way through the front lines and into the German base. Your heart tightens when you hear a shout of “Mach Scnhell!” and the sharp clack of bootsteps echoing down a stone corridor ahead of you. More victims? You go to reload, realizing with horror that your M1 Garand is completely empty.
Fumbling for a grenade, you find your belt bare. “Damn it,” you think, “I shouldn’t have chucked all those grenades at that train car to see if it would explode.” The bootsteps are deafening now, and the smell of sauerkraut hangs thick in the air. That’s when you spot it: a crate of M1 ammo has been inexplicably placed in the center of the room by the game designers. Salvation!
But before you can lunge for it, “Pvt_Hugecock” glides into the room backwards and snatches the ammo, despite carrying only a 9mm and some grenades. He types “Dnt Wrory, I got this,” and then his head immediately explodes as he’s killed by the invading Nazis. You are killed seconds later, while you beat the corpse of Pvt_Hugecock mercilessly with the butt of your rifle.
Why It’s Seriously Not Cool:
Items are often the lifeblood of a multiplayer game. Without those bullets, that armor or that glowing green dot that gives some random gauge a momentary boost, you’re basically fucked. A key item-grab can turn the tide of battle in your favor, give you those few extra seconds of life, even revive your dead grandparents so you can tell them you love them one last time.
That’s why it’s so excruciatingly painful to watch the item you just earned through cold-blooded murder get snapped up by some jerk who couldn’t score a headshot if he were fighting an enemy made entirely of heads. It was you who caused that roasted leg of lamb to pop out of that orc by shooting it with an arrow, and by God, it should be you who walks over it, instantly absorbing it into your being as health.
Appropriate Punishment:
Getting your collision detection stripped, so that from now on you pass through all items like a tortured wraith, unable to pick up or interact with anything, wandering through player-created maps for all eternity.
Imagine It:
When you booted up Mario Strikers that evening, you never imagined you’d be in for the fight of your life. But when the lobby computer decided to pit you against a player with a 156 and 0 record, you knew there was no turning back. Let the Bagel Bites burn, you said. It’s go time.
After a scoreless first game spent slogging through quicksand, evading Thwomps, and running shrieking from a 50-foot Luigi, you cram some blackened Bagel Bites down your gullet and it’s back to the slaughter. Early in the second game, you tragically let a mega-strike by when the Wiimote slips out of your bagel-greased hands, leaving you down by two.
That’s when you catch your second wind. Suddenly you’re unstoppable, making two goals in rapid succession by leaping the goalie with Toadstool. Finally, with ten seconds on the clock, you make your move, blasting your opponent’s goalie with a shock-shell. Totally paralyzed, the goalie can only watch in mute horror as Birdo nudges the ball past him. Your victory assured, you sit back and congratulate yourself on a job well done.
That’s when you’re booted out to the lobby. A screen informs you that your opponent quit the game one fifth of a second before your victory could be counted. And you suddenly realize, you didn’t beat a great player after all. You beat a flaming asshole.
Why It’s Seriously Not Cool:
No one likes a sore loser, and there’s not a lot sorer than quitting the game when you know you’re going to lose. Except maybe tracking your opponent down and killing them, which at least takes some determination. All quitting takes is a button press and total lack of courtesy.
Yes, you’re doing it digitally and with a bunch of technology, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re now the guy who flips the chessboard over when he loses his queen. Or, to put it in more gamer-friendly terms, the guy who uses Donkey Kong to grab the winning player and walk off the edge of the level.
Thinking you can play an online game and not lose occasionally is bullshit, your perfect win-loss record is bullshit, and you make the people who actually have impressive records look like filthy liars. Stop crying, pick the controller up, and take your beating like the rest of us.
Appropriate Punishment:
Having your system infected with a bug that causes all your global stats to read “0-999; im a n00b.”
Imagine It:
The worst possible thing that can happen to anyone has just happened to you. You’ve been killed. In a game.
You were manning the rear gun of a Warthog when the driver pulled hard right to avoid a group of Covenant Hunters and slammed your head right into errant sniper fire. Your whole life—all ninety seconds of it—flashes instantly before your visor. Then your head is snapped cleanly off like a breaking celery stalk, and tumbles down a grassy hillside.
Yet, you live. For a few precious moments, your consciousness remains, and through fading vision, you watch the Warthog driver stop, leap from the vehicle, and run to your body, which has fallen belly-down over a rocky outcropping. What’s he doing? Is he trying to help you? Can’t he see it’s too late?
Gingerly, delicately, the driver steps up to the rear of your body, then backs up a few inches, steps forward again. And again. He mutters “heh…awesome.” Yanking your eyes from the image of your body being defiled, you are affronted by two armor-plated testicles descending from above. The man crouching repeatedly over your head pauses only to take several screen caps.
Your brain finally ceases activity, and you log off to take the longest, hottest shower of your life.
Why It’s Seriously Not Cool:
No one likes to get raped, and it’s even less pleasant when you’re dead. Humping someone’s dead body isn’t just nasty, it’s downright insulting. You’ve killed him; you won. Chill out with the aggressive homoeroticism already.
There’s a reason that in all of human history, there’s never been a civilization that showed dominion over their opponents by humping their freshly killed corpses on the battlefield. Except the Sumerians, but everyone thought they were dicks.
Appropriate Punishment:
In-game, real-time ritual castration to be performed by the respawned victim.
Imagine It:
You’ve been playing WoW for a while now. You’d like to think that you’ve got the basics pretty down: ran a few characters up to level 12 or so, taken part in some big raids, attracted an in-game girlfriend who really seems like she’s not a dude. You finally decide it’s time to take things to the next level with a PvP character.
And for a while, everything’s fine. You get a small Alliance group going, engage in long, drawn out battles with Horde minions of equal strength, and pickup some wicked items to sell on eBay later. Your Dwarf Paladin, Captain_Tiny, is bruised but none the worse for wear.
That is, until a level 70 Warlock descends from the heavens upon a magnificent winged beast and slays you and your entire party with a wave of his hand.
As he loots your bodies and tosses your precious items into a gully, you demand an answer from beyond the grave. “What the fuck, dude?!”
He shrugs, steps over your body, and prepares to squat.
Why It’s Seriously Not Cool:
The value of an accomplishment is directly proportional to the obstacles faced in the process. Graduating at the top of your class is an accomplishment, because you had to study hard, be genetically gifted or cheat like a motherfucker to make it happen. Not pooping yourself is not an accomplishment because any retard could do it (unless you’re actually retarded, in which case good for you!).
Reaching a high level in an MMORPG is also an accomplishment because of the hours of dedication and mind-numbing repetition required. Using that high level character to kill low level characters isn’t an accomplishment at all, because it takes no effort whatsoever.
So I guess what I’m saying is, the type of player who takes pleasure out of bullying weaker characters is the type of person who probably considers it a “good day” when they end up in bed without human waste in their drawers.
Appropriate Punishment:
The infliction of a permanent, irrevocable level 10 level cap.
Imagine It:
A team of designers are putting the finishing touches on the multiplayer portion of their game. Someone at the table brings up the issue of “friendly fire.” This is a team game, after all; should teammates be able to harm each other?
Yes! Argues one of the designers, for are the bullets not real? If you drive one through someone at high velocity, do they not bleed?
No! Asserts another, for people are jackasses, and will shoot their own teammates for no reason whatsoever.
But, asks a third, should we really acquiesce to the darker side of human nature? Shouldn’t we rather appeal to the best in our players by giving them the benefit of the doubt?
I don’t care, announces the fourth, and they decide to leave friendly fire on, then share a delicious sheet cake, for it is one of their birthdays (let’s say the third one).
Six months later, the game ships, and jackasses proceed to shoot their own teammates for no reason whatsoever. Cake remains delicious.
Why It’s Seriously Not Cool:
Don’t murder. It’s a pretty universal rule, and one we often overlook when gaming. After all, do those zombies really deserve to get shotgunned in the face? Couldn’t they have been rehabilitated, or simply outrun? Of course not, because killing is awesome, and after all, we’re just killing masses of brainless polygons.
But put a brain inside those polygons and you quickly discover that there’s a time and place when killing is not awesome. That time is during a crucial team death match, and that place is your own base, surrounded by people you once considered your friends and allies.
Getting team killed is the ultimate betrayal; like Judas turning in Jesus except way more shitty. After all, Judas hanged himself out of guilt, while the guy that team killed you will at best write “oops, my bad bro” and at worst dance around your body shouting “SNIPED! Did you see your head explode? Wicked!”
Appropriate Punishment:
Always getting placed on a team with fellow jackasses, that you may kill each other for the duration of the game in an endless cycle of outraged revenge and rampant douchebaggery.
Imagine It:
You’ve infiltrated the Blu base and laid waste to two scouts, a pyro and a soldier with your heavy’s minigun.
You never would have made it without the aid of the trusty medic by your side, who valiantly risked his life to keep you patched up and in good health. With Blu’s last command point just ahead, you pause a moment to savor the victory.
“Good run, friend,” you growl to the medic. No reply. That’s cool, you think, this dude’s all business (or possibly Japanese).
“Well, let’s make it happen.” You take a bold step forward, awaiting the warm embrace of the medic’s medigun, but none is forthcoming. As you hear the sound of Blu team members spawning ahead of you, all you can manage is a frantic mashing of the keyboard. Then the pyros are on you.
It’s only twenty seconds later, while your corpse smolders on the ground, that you receive a reply from the medic:
“Sry, AFK. Eating cheese sandwich.”
Why It’s Seriously Not Cool:
Team gaming is about trust and dedication. How can you expect to coordinate an attack on the enemy if you constantly have to worry about your teammates’ bladder control and/or relative levels of hunger? You can’t. Ask Patton.
Besides, how much self-control does it take to focus your attention for the duration of a three-minute match? If you listened to a song today, you’re already qualified. I’m not saying you’ve got to finish playing a video game while your house is burning down, I’m just saying if you did, it would make God happy.
Appropriate Punishment:
Oddly enough, team-killing.
Imagine It:
Blizzard’s latest opus, Burgercraft, has finally hit store shelves. You unpack the patty-shaped disc, slip it into your computer and spend the next forty hours of your life perfecting your seed-to-bun ratio, stacking order and learning which kinds of hot deli mustard to pair with the wasabi mayo to unlock bacon. After conquering the single player campaign and defeating the menacing denizens of Filet Of Fish-Opolis, you decide it’s finally time to take this show on the road.
Beefy with anticipation, you load up Battle.net and start a multiplayer game with a computer-selected opponent. Assured that you’re in for the epic fight of a lifetime, you immediately start producing lettuce harvesters and reinforcing your fledgling base with a perimeter of pickle spears and fry pits.
Suddenly, and without any warning other than the words “kekekekekeke” appearing onscreen, four zerglings invade your base and devour everything in sight. The game lasts all of five minutes, and you’re left with nothing but questions. Questions like, “What kind of douchebag plays like that?” and “A Zerg rush? How was that even possible?”
Why It’s Seriously Not Cool:
In theory, games are made so that, through a series of increasingly difficult mental and/or reflexive challenges, a human being interacting with the game’s interface can learn how to effectively manipulate it, then use that knowledge to accomplish objectives laid out by the designers and trigger the release of endorphins in the brain. This effect is known as “fun,” and it can also be achieved through sexual stimulation or narcotics use, although those methods don’t feature nearly as many laser rifles.
At some point, a faction of gamers who actually un-ironically call themselves “hardcore” forgot all of that definition except the word “objectives,” and decided to treat video games like second jobs. They work at the game with grim, humorless dedication until they discover “the best way to win,” which is invariably to exploit a balance issue or design flaw, then they do that. Over and over and over again.
Their belief is that, by learning a rote mechanical action and having the endurance to repeat it without soiling themselves, they have become “skilled” at the game. And they are skilled; just like a robotic arm designed to punch a square out of a sheet of aluminum is skilled at that task. So yay for them!
Appropriate Punishment:
Being relegated to a server where all the players use exploits all the time, games average thirty seconds and the other player always runs a plug-in that makes all his units turn into Jesus piloting a Star Destroyer.
This entry was posted on Friday, November 7th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Online Gaming, Seven Deadly Sins, Video Games. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 9th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Swaim, I love you man, but you can’t raid on WoW as a level 12. You’ve gotta get to like level 75.
Someone probably already said that but I can’t be bothered reading the comments.
October 5th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
In response to Joerrrrrr’s post [in my opinion a zerg-rush isn’t cheap. it takes skill to pull off]. Well, so does the 10 second from spawn location Counterstrike head shot massacre from the bird’s nest insta-win vs. all 5 Terrorist players. Doesn’t make it any less of a dick move. lol
August 20th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Attention Michael Swaim: You are a dipshit.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:17 am
#6 reminds me of my friend Matt. We used to play against one another in the various Pokemon incarnations (Red and Blue, Gold and Silver, Ruby and Sapphire…), and he would ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS yank out the link cable or switch off his Gameboy if he started losing…
That rat bastard.
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:42 am
Team-Killing
To be fair, I was playing Halo once and everybody on my team was completely incompetent, so when my Halo buddy (leading the other team) had just embarrassed me with a almost complete massacre and I looked over to see the last remaining team member FUCKING RUNNING AROUND IN CIRCLES SHOOTING HER GUN INTO THE AIR…
Well I just lost it. I only remember the scene in slow motion, my gun going up, the shot, her dead corpse lying in the snow-shot in the head.
It was an intense scene which was totally boosted by the fact that she was right next to me and CRIED. SHE FUCKING CRIED.
I cherish that memory.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:45 am
in my opinion a zerg-rush isn’t cheap. it takes skill to pull off
May 11th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Just want to agree with DaveGee there, about the ‘Bad Gamers’. What would be nice is if you could nail their personal info and permenantly ban them from any and all multiplayer games. Then we’d never have to deal with those jerks again.
May 11th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Team Killing is definitly the worst sin. Especially if ‘Friendly Fire’ is off. Imagine if you will having a missle launcher and having the perfect shot on an enemy turrent. You know by taking it out you’ll have paved the way for your teams victory. Just before you can fire suddenly your blasted up off the ground by a teammate and your character ragdolls for a few seconds. And by the time you stand back up…BANG! He blasts you up in the air again, and repeats the process until your forced to respawn!!!!
Also possibly an 8th sin. ‘Camping’ where you stand around outside a respawn point and mercilessly kill players just as they respawn and have no chance to defend themselves.
April 30th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Rather than argue with a brilliant article, I’ll agree with all 7 of the points made. You people in the gaming community who view it as a task to know how to SUCK THE FUN out of every last game you play, go right ahead. All that means is that when you’re sitting there with 4000 different games at your house and still bored as dog shit, I’ll have 100 games at mine and be happy as fucking larry (well not actually fucking him, but you get the gist). This is all a question of ‘gaming sportsmanship’. I’d love a good old game of any fucking thing with anyone, if I didn’t have to deal with that asshat who commits every one of the aforementioned sins, constantly and consistently. What it comes down to is a simple question: Are you Good or Evil? (Good: aiming not to commit any of the sins for gaming enjoyment as a group - Evil: aiming to ignore these sins to learn how to win every time until you bore yourself to an early death, hopefully).
I recommend a new concept in the world of gaming:
EVERY MULTIPLAYER SERVER, ONLINE GAME, AND LAN PARTY MUST SHOW THE SERVER AS INVITING TO ‘GOOD’ OR ‘BAD’ GAMERS.
I sure as hell only want to play with and against players who are willing to play with as much dignity, class and respect. And those who would like to play by whatever underhanded means they can to win, can play together. It enhances the experience of both sides - The good side can really start to enjoy and perhaps influence some growth on making gameplay experiences even more awesome, and the bad side can learn even more fucked up ways of beating the next guy without him even knowing what hit him.
April 4th, 2009 at 10:27 am
[...] you online sinners! Read this! The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming | Cracked.com __________________ -You can’t spell ’slaughter’ without ‘laughter’ PSN: [...]
March 6th, 2009 at 8:43 am
I play Burgercraft. Great game.
February 15th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
rofl. Zerg Rushing=broken?
lol
it’s known as a scrub killer for a reason.
btw I don’t play starcraft
February 11th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Exploiting a game-balance flaw to win isn’t playing a game to win. It’s just winning. There’s no game anymore.
Claiming that ‘Exploits’ are a perfectly valid way to win a game is like claiming that writing the word “Beep” fifty thousand times is a perfectly valid way to write a fifty thousand word story. Sure. It’s legal. Technically it fulfills the requirements.
But if you camp, if you item-camp, if you steal, if you make an ass of yourself, you’re not playing the game. You’re just winning. And that means that you’re not letting the other guy play. You’re just making him lose.
Games aren’t about winning and losing. They’re about the fun, the escapism, the excitement. If you don’t get fired up about the battle, if you make four zerglings in the first ten seconds and stab the enemy to death, then you’re not playing the game. Something that’s a useless add-on that’s also fun isn’t a stupid waste of time. It’s fun.
February 9th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Hmm…
I thought camping would be one of them…
February 7th, 2009 at 3:01 am
nigger
January 24th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
thanks for the spoiler, dave. you asshole.
January 16th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
terrible. playing a game to win is the #1 sin of online gaming? I recommend you quit.
January 2nd, 2009 at 2:02 pm
should also have had “overappreciation of one’s own skill.” in gta4, people always beat me to the driver’s seat. normally i’d be relieved that they can handle the hard work, but then they crash up the car until
1. they set it on fire but keep going so it’s not safe to bail out
2. crash off a cliff into the water like 5 minutes from the nearest ladder
3. flip the car around the first corner.
December 22nd, 2008 at 5:07 pm
i love al of you
December 11th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Kevin Spacey died at the end of Seven.
November 29th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
The Sumerians weren’t assholes. You’re thinking of the Assyrians.
November 24th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Hey, it’s easy to be an asshole behind a keyboard. Some people are just better at it than others.
November 24th, 2008 at 12:19 am
This was awesome. I’d like so see any of the people posting here come up with something this good, Mr Swaim is a golden god in my books.
People who nitpick details are worthless, you get the point, shut the fuck up about the example given.
November 23rd, 2008 at 11:05 pm
you all love taking it in the ass
November 21st, 2008 at 4:09 am
you forgot to mention the extreme amounts of homophobia and racisim that is said during these online gaming sessions in the live voice chats, its sickening the amount of abuse that goes on during online gaming, there is so much immaturity, and verbal abuse and hatred that most parents if they took the time to pay attention to what their kids were saying while playing, they would be sickened to their stomach in shock!! I’m a big gamer and it even disgusts me, if you don’t believe me, then just go on one of these game systems and try playing online with other people and see for yourself…
November 20th, 2008 at 3:56 am
lolz
jesus piloting a star destroyer
now that is genius
November 16th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
@noob Slurpee
“FAIL - You CAN loot corpses in WoW. You loot cash in Battlegrounds.”
Yes true but you fail more as a seventy can’t kill lowbies in the bgs that’s why they have brackets. On PVP servers you can’t loot bodies of alli/horde you killed.
“You CAN team-kill in TF2, when friendly fire is turned on. Duh.”
Default is off though so again you lose.
Other then that I agree with you.
November 15th, 2008 at 4:23 am
[...] sins of online gaming. This may provoke a few chuckles hereabouts. The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming | Cracked.com __________________ Retarded since [...]
November 15th, 2008 at 3:38 am
Cool but I think the word greed is a little more teen-to-twenties reader friendly than avarice.
November 14th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
call this number…469 442 7940… asshole boss. Best to call him in the middle of the night..
November 13th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
I was never really on your side
November 13th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Exploits? A Zerg rush isn’t an exploit, for one. Many exploits promote healthy competitive play since it rewards advanced players who can use said exploits.
November 13th, 2008 at 1:58 am
Great article. Too bad most of the trolls reading this don’t agree. Maybe they should read the article about ending trolls.
I’ll admit, I’m a big team-killing offender, but it’s usually because either the person killed deserved it (door-blocking, team-flashing, etc.) or to show how stupid a mod is (recently, a head-rolling mod for CS:S = GAY).
And for “fail” down there, YOU fail with your points.
FAIL - You CAN loot corpses in WoW. You loot cash in Battlegrounds.
FAIL - You CAN team-kill in TF2, when friendly fire is turned on. Duh.
FAIL - This article is about legitimate gaming. Hacking is obvious. This is about things that are still legitimate, but done by assholes.
FAIL - He mentioned Dwarf Paladins, which is the equivilent of 12-year-olds mike spamming.
FAIL - While he didn’t mention door blockers specifically, it pretty much falls under team-killing, as door blocking usually leads to the blocked person’s death, or the person resorting to team-killing the blocker.
FAIL - He mentioned quitting out, which your Online Co-Op game scenario can fall under.
FAIL - You’re obviously a douche-bag zerg rusher. Not everyone can spend their entire lives perfecting the ways of point-and-click. Some of us work for a living.
At least you got one thing right. You need to end, troll.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Hey, Third Guy, really sorry I forgot your birthday. Hope you had a great day. Catch you at First Guy’s engagement party.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Just a note… Zerg rush is not a sure fire win, even 6 pool can be taken out pretty quickly 1v1, if your half decent and know how to defend. But the point of the entry was exploiting, this poor example shouldn’t detract from that message. Exploitation is bad, point taken.
November 10th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
The exploit user from sin #1 should have to play the early quitter from sin #6 for punishment.
They spend so much time practicing that perfect zerg rush or the sweep kick from Mortal Kombat 2, only to be robed of the win in the last second. It’s so fitting.
November 10th, 2008 at 8:37 am
WTF, sex and narcotics use have at least as many lazer rifles!
November 10th, 2008 at 7:56 am
‘Do you take Swaim to be your lawfully wedded husband?’
‘SwAIM? SWAIM? OH SHIT!’
November 9th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Curse my poor concentration! Swaim** All apologies.
Still, marry me.
November 9th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
….Swain? Marry me?
November 9th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
‘But a zergling rush is not an exploit. A zergling rush is a common and effective strategy for which there are many countermeasures.’
You’re right that it’s not a glitch in the game engine but it’s still an exploit in that you’re exploiting a weakness. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s how victory in a game is decided. The problem he was talking about is that most people don’t know when it’s time to give up their sure fire method of pounding you in under thirty seconds.
Lets say we’re playing five matches. On the first game you Zerg rush me and annihilate me. In the second game you do it again. At this point it’s obvious I don’t know how to defend against it and I’m not going to learn how by the third match. Would you continue to Zerg rush me simply to because it was a sure thing, or would you choose a different strategy that could lead to a interesting game that lasts for more than a couple of minutes?
November 9th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
First minute of Who’s Nailin Paylin
http://www.TOKILLFOR.com
Russell Brand’s crude remarks to Fawlty Towers Star on BBC Radio
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ed1b4baf7494d10ab9c9
November 9th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
I hate exploits. I hate them a lot. But a zergling rush is not an exploit. A zergling rush is a common and effective strategy for which there are many countermeasures. BNet is full of sadistic bastards and you have to play rough. Get over it.
November 9th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
You forgot using every chance you get to proclaim how high/drunk/sexually active you are. ‘Sorry I dropped the flag, I was busy doing it, my girlfriend and her two friends can’t get enough’.
Punishment, their yearbook entry is permanently attached to their gamer profile. Their friends, co-workers/kids that beat them up and parents are also sent transcripts of the conversation.
November 9th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
GO OUTSIDE!!!!
November 9th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
GG yo says: “if you’re a n00b just stay off battlenet”
yeah, if you just got the game and are eager to understand and enjoy it the you can just GET THE FUCK OUT. we dont need your kind here
November 9th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Except “macht schnell” is the plural command form which, given the context of multiple boots running down a hall, would fit better than “mach schnell”.
So ein Fehler soll dich aber nicht davon abhalten, dich weiter als ein Experter auszugeben.
November 9th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Thank you, Swaim, for putting into words my justification for playing with myself. Games… I mean…… masturbation a whole other matter……
That’s what TAM video’s are for.
November 9th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Well about WoW. If you rolled on a PVP server and are in a contested area, you get whats coming to you. Watch your back and make friends. Lowbie killing is fair game. Camping lowbies is just being a dick. But if I’m riding by and your not making an effort to run, I’m killing you.
November 9th, 2008 at 10:43 am
[...] For a full explanation of each, check out the article at Cracked. [...]
November 9th, 2008 at 7:14 am
Otherwise known as “Why I Stick To Single Player Games!”
November 9th, 2008 at 5:51 am
Why does everyone keep saying you can’t loot bodies in WoW?
You can loot copper/silver/gold from all players in the BGs, and items in Alterac Valley. So what you -should- be screaming in all caps is that you can’t loot Gear off of players.
Either way, the point was less about getting looted, and more about getting raped by the 70 Troll Mage that camps Wetlands for no reason other than to gank level 30’s.
November 9th, 2008 at 2:56 am
Actually, he’s right. It’s “Mach schnell!” It’s a command, not a statement, and as such the verb is conjugated differently. Please, learn German before you correct it.
November 9th, 2008 at 2:12 am
Yes, the Zergling Rush is a valid tactic in StarCraft, but in the example he was referring to use of a Zerling Rush in BurgerCraft, in which it certainly is an exploit.
The Zergling Rush in SC doesn’t belong in Exploits, but it does fit with Level Abuse- I was invited to play SC by some people who were aware that I’d never played the game before. So eight games in a row, I got Zerg Rushed, like, two minutes in. I’m still trying to figure out the interface, what the icons mean, that sort of thing, and I never had a chance to do so, because I was dead already.
I don’t care about the face-humping thing, I think it’s dumb, so I don’t really pay attention, but teamkilling is a scourge. It’s sad really. I absolutely loved Halo- the story was great, the gameplay was solid, and the multiplayer was fun. Halo2 came out, and it was still very good, but then I made the mistake of playing online. The deathmatch games were fine, but I prefer the gameplay of team games, so I played a lot of those, and over the course of about three months I was killed more times by teammates than by the opposing team, either because I had a weapon one of them wanted, because the other team was camping somewhere and they got bored and went after me instead. It made playing the game not any fun, so I stopped, and I never started again. Now Halo3 is out, and I haven’t even wanted to pick it up.
And before anyone says I’m a n00b and I’m just pissed because I suck, I’m not a n00b, I’m just a casual gamer, who games for fun.
November 8th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
Oh man, that was fucking awesome. I always approve of video game articles… but this one is so damn true.
November 8th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Wow, what a comments section. Who would have thought that Cracked.com would have so many obese 4chan kids reading?
Still, this article WAS made of win.
November 8th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
i dunno, a 6-month old cake doesn’t seem so delicious…
November 8th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
LOL guy is just mad cause he got rocked lol noob
i will 1v1 anyone here at starcraft
November 8th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
I totally agree. I remember when the really bad cheats/exploits started popping up in Halo 2. A game would start, then a minute and a half later I would hear this “Flag Stolen. Flag Captured. Flag Stolen. Flag Captured. Flag Stolen. Flag Captured. Game Over.”. All spoken as if in one breath. Afterwards the players on the opposite team would smacktalk about how they “schooled” us. Schooled? You cheated! How is that a skillfully played game in any since of the term? How is that fun? That’s like starting a game, then reaching over and unplugging my controller … then bragging about what a great player you are? Doh!
November 8th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
At some point, a faction of gamers who actually un-ironically call themselves “hardcore” forgot all of that definition except the word “objectives,” and decided to treat video games like second jobs.
isn’t is nice when your first job and second job are exactly the same thing: gaming?
and if you just keep living in mommy’s basement you won’t need a third job to pay for all those pizza’s.
judging from the other comments you are just making up stuff about games, so congratulations on that. seems you might actually have a life.
November 8th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I LOL’d alot..
November 8th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Swaim, this is the best article on Cracked just from the amazing comments made by all the “number oners”.
It’s good to know that the internet and online games give so many people an outlet for their pent up rage that they’ve horded all these years from getting pushed into lockers and punched in the gut walking down the corridors of their respective high schools. Perhaps future articles could include a coupon for moist towelettes to wipe the Cheeto dust off of their sticky Moutain Dew soaked fingers.
They may never know the touch of a woman, at least one not made from polyurethane, but by God, they can pwn anyone on WoW!!
November 8th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
You used ironic wrong you nazi.
November 8th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Haha. Points 1-6 he’s basically saying ‘people need to grow up and take gaming more seriously.’ Then in point seven he basically says ‘people need to grow up and stop taking gaming so seriously.’
November 8th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
zerg rush kicks ass!
November 8th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
I think that this article was awesome.we 12 year olds do get annoying sometimes don’t we.
November 8th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
lol internet
November 8th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
“Fail- We do not need to hear how much you fail at starcraft , just because you suck at it , doesn’t mean everybody else does.”
lol
November 8th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Zerg rushing is not an exploit. Drone floating, however, is. Please learn the difference, Swaim.
November 8th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
alliance is for tools anyway. they deserve to be killed.
November 8th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Fail- You cannot loot corpses in World of Warcraft.
Fail- You cannot Team Kill in Team Fortress 2.
Fail- No mention of hackers, its the ultimate online gaming sin.
Fail- No mention of annoying as hell 12 year olds mic spamming on cs.
Fail- No mention OF SHIT HEAD DOOR BLOCKERS.
Fail- No mention of completely fucking a Online Coop game right near an end of a lvl and then disconnecting.
Fail- We do not need to hear how much you fail at starcraft , just because you suck at it , doesn’t mean everybody else does.
QQ some more.
/end troll
November 8th, 2008 at 11:46 am
You cannot loot corpses in World of Warcraft, it’s time for a new writer.
November 8th, 2008 at 11:42 am
(it’s spelled “macht schnell”)
November 8th, 2008 at 11:17 am
I think its a sin NOT to hump someone’s dead corpse
November 8th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Swaim: Quality article. Ignore the assholes in the comments section. They wouldn’t know a vagina if one sat on them.
November 8th, 2008 at 10:24 am
“Reaching a high level in an MMORPG is also an accomplishment ”
No, no it isn’t. It is not an accomplishment in any sense of the word. Seriously dude.
November 8th, 2008 at 9:40 am
The internet breeds jerks and no aspect of the internet does this more efficiently than online gaming.
November 8th, 2008 at 9:00 am
GG
November 8th, 2008 at 8:43 am
I thought the article was knowledgeable, until I read the last one(exploiting). This is often a complaint raised by serious noobs in the game. If you don’t like how the game plays, there are plenty of other games like SIMcity or tetris. Try those.
November 8th, 2008 at 8:06 am
…Fucking EPIC.
November 8th, 2008 at 3:07 am
[...] seven deadly sins of online gaming. #5 may be bad, but it’s [...]
November 8th, 2008 at 2:34 am
Pro gaming isnt about abusing exlpoits, you sir don’t know what your talking about.
November 8th, 2008 at 2:20 am
That made me Laugh My Ass Off! Tara Reid’s huge boobs make me forget about her melting stomach.
November 8th, 2008 at 12:32 am
Good Article. All of these things could be avoided if people played with the mentality that the person/people they’re playing is in the room with them. By that I mean, before running a no-huddle all game, using the same two unstoppable plays, or turning off your game because you’re losing, just ask yourself: “If I played like this with my opponent physically sitting next to me would I get punched in the trachea, kicked unconscious and peed on?” If the answer is ‘yes’ then stop doing it.
November 8th, 2008 at 12:29 am
[...] Cracked reviews the 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming. [...]
November 8th, 2008 at 12:22 am
My good sir you take all the fun out of online gaming, except for betraying and quitting I see no problem with t bagging in fact I encourage it, in the face of battle there are no rules.
November 7th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
I laughed out loud
Good post.
November 7th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
good points, although t-bagging is kinda funny, and is the appropriate punishment for team-killers after you re-spawn
November 7th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Whoooa. Lotta commentary on this one. Meh, let it go, peeps. Swain wrote a kick ass article. Now, I ain’t gonna diss anybody here…but check it…it’s a comedy article, theres some truth to it, and theres some opinion to it as well. Don’t let your Nerdboy rage control you. Remember, thats the path to the darkside.
Hey…I’m a gamer too. And I’ve run into a lot of these situations. Their annoying. Swain’s article is pretty good. Of course, if you wanna bog it down with a lotta tech stuff that people who AREN’T gamers wouldn’t understand, and talk about the pro’s and con’s of snarg attacks…then ya kinda missed the point, god bless ya.
No worries. It’ll come with puberty.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Thank you Salty Peanut, and Yaraday, If 12 year olds play, they better shut up and play well.
I think half of these sins are from under-aged gamers who fail at life.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Let me just say I know the sheer joy of causing a image to briefly appear on my television depicting a fictional character kill another fictional character controlled by someone half my age who lives on the other side of the country and I’ll never actually meet face to face. Well done gamers.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Burgercraft is a good game
November 7th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Pants indeed Mr. Twat… Pants indeed.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
If you lose to a Ling rush, that’s your own damn fault for not being ready for it. Except maybe for a 4pool, but you’re probably only gonna see that when you’re facing an opponent that’s far worse than you.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
So many comments.
Hell hath no fury like a geek scorned I guess.
My brother is a chronic team killer. Even when we’re not online gaming, playing co-op, he shoots me in the back on the way to somewhere. Just for the hell of it. And he really just deserves that punishment.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
I think Jesus piloting a Star Destroyer is the new Starcraft 2 unit.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Zerg rush is a valid tactic that is universally used.
In Team Fortress 2, you have a much higher chance playing as a medic for the teamate you’re assisting to chickening out on you than a medic going AFK.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Pants.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
a zerg rush imba??? STUPID AS FUCK!!! if zerg can win every time
using a ling rush that would be imba. only retards fall for
ling rush which swaim seems to be. if you are a noob stay off
battlenet!
November 7th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
“Wow, this article sucks and isn’t funny. I am a super-game nerd and I didn’t even so-much-as chuckle. Go watch the Colbert Report and learn how to be funny!”
Natural law does not permit me to contradict the opinions of one such as the super-game nerd. His wisdom on the quality of comedic humor and his use of hyphens for absolutely no discernable reason give me a window into knowledge much greater than my small mind can comprehend.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
I like Mario games.
November 7th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
@ Gitanes: No, they’re just all off on their MMORPGs leveling up and trying not to poop themselves.
November 7th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
“Always being put in a team with fellow jackasses, that you may kill each other for the duration of the game in an endless cycle of outraged revenge and rampant douchebaggery.”
Best
Quote…
EVER
November 7th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
“Doesn’t feature nearly as many laser rifles.” Well, Cracked, you obviously don’t know about my Saturday nights.
November 7th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
For #6 it’s your fault you’re playing a game that does not give you a win when someone quits.
For #5, just respawn, kill him and do the same thing to the offender. If you can’t, it’s your fault for not being pro enough. Otherwise, please don’t whine about it and let it pass. No need to flare up over a taunt.
For #4, it’s your fault for choosing PvP. Get some guild protection or whatever.
For #3, it’s your fault for playing on a TK server, or on a game that has permanent TK on. Or, if you like reality and play on friendly fire servers, you gotta get used to that shit. Maybe it was just an accident.
For #2 just respawn. You can do that in TF2, and the medic probably died with you.
For #1 it’s your fault for not scouting the zerg rush out, and also yours for not preparing against one. Or it could be your fault for just playing an imbalanced game.
Look around for games that are hard to abuse, and then find some dedicated servers with operators on 24/7.
November 7th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Lilo, they were talking about Burgercraft, not starcraft.
moron.
November 7th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Nah, it’s cool Bears. You made some good points I agree with but I think you misunderstood or I wasn’t quite clear on some things.
I don’t expect the population of the internet to conform to my thinking. Not only would that be retarded, it’s actually the opposite of my beliefs.
To use your analogy, in my case, I would have handed you the ball and allowed you your “turn” because for me the fun lies in hanging out with people who are having a good time and that’s much easier to do when everyone gets along. To me that is more important than winning or losing. Sure, I PREFER to win (everyone does) but not at the expense of ruining it for everyone else.
But that’s just me, I don’t expect every, or even ANY, one else to feel this way.
Everyone’s got their own personal boundaries as to what is reasonable or not but there ARE some pretty universally acknowledged “dick moves” out there that nearly everyone agrees on.
As far as ruining the fun goes…
Camping a known good location to kill people as soon as they spawn is a classic example. There are plenty of cases where I could do this but, really, I just don’t see the fun in it. Doing it because that’s the best way to win, yeah that’s pretty dickish but still doesn’t quite qualify. However there is that segment of people who do it because they KNOW eventually someone is going to get frustrated and just quit and they laugh their asses off about it as soon as it happens. They get their entertainment out of angering and frustrating other players rather than simply just playing the game. THOSE were the kind of people I was referring to and trust me they DO exist.
November 7th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Team killing has some good use’s. For instance, I was playing a hardcore match on call of duty four. Everybody else except me and the guy carrying the bomb had died. Unfortuntly, the jackass carrying the bomb was trying to jump through a window that was impossible to jump through. What did I do after 5 minute’s of waiting? I put the trusty kabar to use, took the bomb, and won the match.
November 7th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
I had a thought and wrote way too many words about it
November 7th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Crazy…
November 7th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
This reminded me of when I was six and started crying because I played basketball with some other kids who liked basketball and instead of giving me the ball when it was my turn and letting me shoot a basket, they played basketball. Those jerks, they should play for fun instead of ruining it for everyone who wants to have fun with it.
The good parts are where it complains about people who are actually douchebags and really do set out to ruin people’s fun. There are a fair amount of people like that on the internets. More common than that, though, are the socially toxic people who take things way too seriously and attribute serious emotional problems to anyone who outdoes them in some way.
Yes, I realize this is a comedy website and that they wrote this because it appeals to a large internet demographic. As someone with a modest amount of competitive blood, I occasionally enjoy competitive social activities, and I have spent enough time enjoying them to be disgusted by socially toxic people who condemn me for doing good at something.
The article wasn’t so bad. The biggest weakness is in some of the examples. The comments, though, wow. Some of you need to think about what is going on in your head. The population of the internet does not owe it to you to conform to you and you cannot go around attributing serious emotional problems to anyone who doesn’t play the way you like. If you simply don’t enjoy competitive
(or in many cases, cooperative) social activities, don’t complain about the people who do. They’re not out to ruin anyone’s fun, you are out to ruin their fun.
Next time you see some people practicing a sport, do try to control your outrage that people are good at a game and probably even enjoy it at the same time.
November 7th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Heh. Awesome. I believe that in online games, I have scored a total of three kills while in the bathroom. During a game of War Rock, I need to pee quite badly while flying a plane, so I decided to aim the plane upwards and hope for the best. I came back just in time to see the rubble of the enemy helicopter my plane had rammed, killing the pilot and copilot.
Another time, I had a fight in Toribash while on top of a moving train. Since I was in the bathroom, my character simply fell down at the start of the fight. My opponent made a swinging punch, which missed, causing him to fall under the wheels of the train and get torn to shreds.
November 7th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Brilliant article, one of the best, kudos, and to “German” how about you go fuck yourself, and stop churning out bullshit you nazi fuck
November 7th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Very funny and for the most part I agree.
But the last part about exploiting ruined close to everything. Maybe it was because of the terrible example though. Starcraft being the most balanced RTS to date, and no I’m not a SC player, I don’t enjoy RTS. But I do keep track of many professional SC tournaments.
It takes an very unskilled and untalented player to have that mentality about finding the “best way to win.” Here’s a concept: Winning is funner than losing. Period.
While it’s not uncommon to enjoy a good match even though you lost, a well earned victory is infinitely more satisfactory and rightfully so. This means there is no logical reason not to find the best path to victory.
Players that abuse exploits to win are horrible to deal with and typically suck so much that it’s the only way they can enjoy the game.
But this example is just that of a “noob” or sore loser, nothing more.
There will ALWAYS be a best way to accomplish a goal. That doesn’t mean it’s the only way, but it is the best. It’s called life, get used to it.
November 7th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
“That’s why it’s so excruciatingly painful to watch the item you just earned through cold-blooded murder get snapped up by some jerk who couldn’t score a headshot if he were fighting an enemy made entirely of heads.” - My friend ran up to me crying from laughter at this, and then I was.
Also, you can’t loot player corpses in WOW except in the battlegrounds, and thats only for special items and everyones killing everyone in the battlegrounds, they don’t steal your armor and stuff.
Although the warlocks do still descend and bring death for no reason…its more frustrating in that regard…
November 7th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Is screaming at the game like a mental patient with Tourette’s Syndrome and startling the shit out of all your roommates every time your character so much as stubs his toe considered a sin?
November 7th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Honestly, I have never agreed with an article more. When you started talking about quitting out and humping, I actually started getting angry as if it was happening to me.
Fantastic man, I love you.
November 7th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Wow, this article sucks and isn’t funny. I am a super-game nerd and I didn’t even so-much-as chuckle. Go watch the Colbert Report and learn how to be funny!
November 7th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
“and the smell of sauerkraut hangs thick in the air”
I think the smell of cliché hangs thick in the air here…
November 7th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I must confess- I am a chronic teamkiller. I enjoy hearing things like “Dude wtf?!” and “That wasn’t even a ‘oops-my-bad teamkill’ it was more like a ‘roflcopter I so pwnt yoos cuz Im a total douchebagget”. Come on! I’m not the first one to kill my team (just look at Stalin)
November 7th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
[...] 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming (cracked) [...]
November 7th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Spoom:
Sounds like you’re guilty of just about everything on the list. Seeing it as you’re defending the position so much. Although, I think you left out exactly how to adapt and avoid someone quitting out of a game before losing.
I don’t think taking the challenge out of a game was implied anywhere in the article.
I’m pretty sure***”Thinking you can play an online game and not lose occasionally is bullshit, your perfect win-loss record is bullshit, and you make the people who actually have impressive records look like filthy liars. Stop crying, pick the controller up, and take your beating like the rest of us.” ***meant something other than “We should take the challenge out of games.”
And lastly, what you mean by “misleading” towards the zergling comment… I have no clue. This is a funny article about annoying shit people do on games, not a fuckin wikipedia entry on starcraft FACTS.
Yeah, you used the “I understand this was written to amuse” disclaimer in the beginning, but it’s kind of hard to take that seriously after the monologue of whining about factual and historical inaccuracy of the article while defending your position with “stupid people are everywhere, if you can’t beat em join.”
November 7th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
[...] List here (thanks JDFalcon!) [...]
November 7th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
[...] 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming [...]
November 7th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
That jesus picture had GOT to be the funniest thing I’ve seen all week.
November 7th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Yeah, I hear ya about the breathing into the mic. Almost as annoying is when their mic pics up shit in the background like their TV or screaming kids or whatever.
Dude. Push-to-Talk. Seriously.
November 7th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
spawn killing sucks too
November 7th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
It seems “Jereny” Seymore went to the same school as “Leroy” down the bottom there.
Not a lot of emphasis on correctly spelling one’s own name in that institution.
November 7th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
absolutely brilliant.
November 7th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
LOL, dude you hit it right on the freakin head! Good post!
Jereny
http://www.anonymity.cz.tc
November 7th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
I used to like you. You make some fairly amusing comments from time to time. But you just committed the ultimate sin of internet comment sections. You ASSUMED. Based off one comment, you formed a fairly detailed description of my life. And one that is 100% inaccurate. I’m quite baffled as to HOW you formed that opinion, because….well….it was a fairly innocuous comment I made, I thought. Still, I give not a rats ass what you think. This is not an appropriate argument for this comments section.
Oooh, I’m a freak too
BTW: You play WoW more than I do.
November 7th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Right now the frustration has kicked in because I can’t take on two goddamned enemies at once.
Oh, does it make it better I’m playing in a group with my best friends and I’ve actually met them in real life?
Oh and Saeivo, you’re the kind of freak who pretty much dominates an MMORPG landscape - you have no existance beyond that life. You’re the kind of person who actually stopped me from playing for so long because I was frightened I’d run into someone like you.
November 7th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
I recall the first time I played a game called Tribes. Online only with a couple of training levels. I played the training levels a few times and went online to a ‘newb’ server. Those bastards could all take my head off from halfway across the screen before I could even shit, go blind or wind my watch. Every time I peeked my coconut around a corner…bloop! Off came my head. I tried playing it for a week and gave up, never to touch it again. Leave the newb servers to the newbs.
November 7th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Ijon reminded me of Red vs. Blue.
Tucker: Why are you still shooting at the jeep?
Caboose: I can’t stop it. The targeting’s locked.
Tucker: Then unlock it!
Caboose: The last time I unlocked it, I killed Church.
Tucker: Oh, yeah… keep shooting the jeep.
The only team-killing that goes on when I play GRAW 2 with my friends is due to crossing someone’s line of fire during combat, or the occasional misjudged grenade lob.
Panzer-Smear Ross, don’t feel bad about playing WoW… I played Guild Wars (like, three times). I know the fleeting fun the beginning of a MMORPG can be. Then the grind sets in…
November 7th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Number 1 is why I stop playing ratchet and clank on ps2. To many douches sitting by the spawn point and just picking everyone off. Really killed the fun for me.
November 7th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
*chronpawn24 whcl. hit me up XD
Great blog. srsly
November 7th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Wow. this is by far the funniest article i have ever read on cracked. so true…
and i love the photoshops. they’re great.
November 7th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
In response to Darth: Yeah, power outages suck, but you can’t use it as a scapegoat every time you lose. A ragequit is still a quit, no matter what fancy excuse you try to use.
November 7th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I agree about the “singing/playing music over vent/speech program” thing. I know people who do this constantly. They play their crappy, horrible music over vent saying things like, “DUDE CHECK OUT THIS BADASS TUNE” (yes, they yell it in all caps!). Then they play a song which is too loud yet barely understandable because, shockingly, holding up your crappy boombox to your headset microphone doesn’t allow for the best quality. Whenever this happens everyone else goes completely silent. The player things that this is because we are listening admirably to his excellent “tunez,” but it’s really because we’re waiting for someone else to yell, “Turn that crap off!” so we don’t have to do it.
Also, kids, talking about all the drugs and alcohol you use at age 14 does not impress me. Especially when you spend 10 minutes bragging about all the “stuff” and “junk” you do and how “messed up” you get, and then when you ask me, a 20 year old female what I do, and I say, “I’ve never done drugs or alcohol” and your reply is, “Oh yeah me either, I was just joking.” I still won’t date you.
November 7th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
LOL
What a great read during a server restart …. I’m gonna tell my in-game girlfriend about it. I’m sure he’ll love it.
November 7th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
mmm. sheet cake.
November 7th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Crowbahr hit the nail on the head. 12 year olds who try to sing along to rap music thinking they’re some badass are the worst. And people who breath into the mic incessantly.
Some funny shit, Swaim.
November 7th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
That’s ok Jeremy. Apparantly I don’t deserve oxygen for having played on private WoW servers.
November 7th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Uhm. Could be a good article if you actually played these games you are talking about. You can’t decapitate people in halo and you can’t loot corpses in WOW.
And apparently I’m a nerd for saying this.
November 7th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
I don’t see why gaming companies make it so that if you’re losing, and you quit, it counts as a forfeit and take the loss… but what if the power goes out? You’re still losing, and you take the loss.
Also… great article!
November 7th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
This is beautiful.
I have a friend who is guilty as charged for #1, and it’s funny because nobody out of our friend group will play with him anymore. He has to go online and now piss off all the gamers that don’t know him because we won’t submit ourselves to someone that refuses to stop playing like he’s 10.
November 7th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Panzer-Stier Ross - uh huh? Care to substantiate that comment?
November 7th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Saevio, people like you don’t deserve oxygen.
Please, give up your oxygen for someone more deserving.
November 7th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Lol. This just keep getting better. From some of the comments here it sounds as if I’ll need a truckload of cheetos and dew for the “number oners”.
November 7th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Everyone here is talking about the last one with regards to properly made online games
I play occasionally on a Private WoW Server - if you think the people on retail WoW servers are assholes, try on a 3x realm where any moron can get to lvl 70 in a few weeks, without that bothersome requirement of learning to play properly. A consequence of the free and imperfect nature of the private servers is that there are frequently things you can do with your character that are definately not possible on retail servers and as a result do not have any inbuilt game mechanics to counter them.
I know people are just going to say “well that’s what you get when you play cracked servers”, and it’s true, but the point is that given the opportunity, people will always be complete dickheads. (Bugged mage talents that can give you an 18k damage POM Pyro ftl.)
November 7th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Ultimate Multiplayer carnage: battletoads. I think everytime I played it with my little brother: a) we never got past the first screen, b) sharp objects would eventually come into play, c) one of our friends would die in the wake of destruction (my neighborhood was a lonlely place to live after 1991).
November 7th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
That last one is the worst. It’s inconceivable that people would find that enjoyable. It has ruined many a game….
November 7th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Yeah this paired with the birth of the internet video spells truth, People ARE dicks.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Adding to the whole teamkilling thing, you should have mentioned people who team kill in missions where the requirements for winning have nothing whatsoever to do with killing other players. I can’t believe the number of GTAOnline and MGSOnline games in which a group of players opens fire on the other human players, despite the mission being something like “stop the computer’s drug deal” or “prevent the sneaking player from infiltrating the base”…
November 7th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I agree Crowbahr, all teenagers who havn’t had their voice break should be banned from having a mic until they hit major puberty.
Makes me want to punch adorable labrador puppies when i have some extremaly annoying, elitist 12-year old telling what to do, yet moaning and whining like a white, middle-class brat when someone kills him on CoD4!! Gaaaah!!!
Phew…That felt better. I’m off now to drown my sorrows in cheap alcohol.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Thank you, Swaim.
Thank you so much.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Heh. Noob. OK you can think that if you like, whatever.
It’s not about winning or losing. If you’re good enough to beat me you deserve the win and congratulations for besting me. Hell I’ll even stick around and finish the fight no matter how badly I’m getting my ass handed to me and, conversely, I’ll hold back when it’s obvious I completely outclass my opponent.
To be honest, it’s not much fun for me if the fight is horribly lopsided in either direction.
All I’m saying is “don’t be a dick.” Obviously you fail in this regard and anyone who can’t grasp the unspoken nuances of “don’t be a dick” probably is one.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Cry more, noob.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
awesome article as always, swaim. but judging by your starcraft comparison, i guess you had some bad experiences (read: rape from korean players) on Battle.net. feel free to confirm this.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
This just blew my mind.
Snaps for Swaim!
November 7th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Beautiful. I would have 1 addition: Mic Spamming.
Nothing is more annoying than someone playing their country-techno over their mic, except maybe 12 year olds talking over the mic. Or screaming.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Rofl. Nice Article.
I didn’t think you could loot dead players in WoW….. Maybe in PvP, but….
November 7th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
This list should definitely be a chapter in the Gamer’s Bible. I absolutely agree with all of it.
The only real problem I have with the #2 people (and this includes the drunks) is that, most often, by the time you realize they’re AFK they’re left sitting in the spawn while you’re hitting the enemy halfway across the map and Mr. AFK is invariably in possession of some item you need to win that round and by the time they return, it’s too late for them to make a difference. Assuming they can even find you.
I understand sometimes shit happens in their immediate vicinity that will force them to put down the controller and deal with the problem and I have no issues with that.
It’s the people who do it HABITUALLY for no real good reason that bug the shit outta me.
There’s one universal constant I’ve learned over the years and it’s this:
There are 2 types of online gamers
1) Those who enjoy playing the game.
2) Those who enjoy ruining it for #1.
Oh, and all you people who think this is just a list of whiny pet-peeves….that’s probably because you’re one of the #2 assholes we’re talking about here. Seriously. Go fuck yourselves.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Was great til the last one. It’s not an exploit when Bliz knows it’s in the game, and doesn’t fix it. In fact if everyone did this, good, easy perfect win ratio for me.
November 7th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
*sigh* after all this time, I’m going to out myself as a WoW player, but here we are.
One of my best friends introduced me to the game, on my very first session I reached level 3 (I was proud of myself) and he says hey, I’ll come over to where you are and show you around.
So there I am, a level 3 Night Elf hunter, he turns up, a level 70 Human Paladin (a frigging CHAMPION) and challenges me to a duel.
I know he was just taking the piss, but still.
November 7th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Number 3:
There’s an art to the team kill though that occasionally makes it hilarious.
(Cf: deliberately firing one unsilenced round into a room of enemies your teammate is sneaking through. Or shooting so close to your teammate they can’t move into better cover.)
November 7th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Wow Spoom. Can I get you another bag of Cheetos and some Mountain Dew? Spoken like the guy from the picture at the end of #1 Pride above. “Warning hardcore gaming not nearly as galmorous as it looks.”
Just messing with you, btw.
November 7th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
This was funny because all of my friends are gamers, and I’ve heard each of these deadly sins at least once. Uh.. except for the humping one… I’m pretty sure at least half of my gaming friends does that.
November 7th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
While I understand this was written to amuse, honestly, it sounds like a laundry-list of complaints made by the average whiny gamer.
All of these things you’ve described are things that can be avoided easily. If you don’t like getting fragged by teammates, if you don’t enjoy power gaming, or if you’re not a pvper at heart, then find a game that suits you. God knows there’s plenty to choose from.
That last point you made about zergling rushes is also misleading. Zergling rushes are not an “exploit.” And this is from someone who got the bad end of rushes playing as a protoss from when SC first came out. The point is, they can be avoided. Learning how to and adapting to difficult strategies is 90% of the game. Once you figure out how to defend against the rush, you realize that most of those players don’t have a very strong strategy after that. The ones who do–now those are challenging.
Yes, the function of video gaming is “fun.” But it also serves as a challenge. Would you take out the element of challenge from, say, Chess, because “losing is no fun?”
November 7th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I only do wrath when I get stuck with the frat-boy/douchebag team.
Seriously who wouldn´t?
November 7th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Kudos, laughed out loud on every single one. Seriously, awesome.
November 7th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
[quote]Appropriate Punishment:
Being relegated to a server where all the players use exploits all the time, games average thirty seconds and the other player always runs a plug-in that makes all his units turn into Jesus piloting a Star Destroyer.[/quote]
Sounds awesome. Where can I sign up?
November 7th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I don’t condone #1, but it really isn’t that difficult to beat a rush. Just head it off and either stomp it completely or hinder it enough to make it ineffective. You know, effectively deal with a tactical challenge.
November 7th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I feel like a born again virgin after reading this.
November 7th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Swaim, your still the man. And I will let you hump my headless corpse anytime.
November 7th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Awesome article. And it’s mildly hilarious how many other people here don’t have a life either.
November 7th, 2008 at 11:37 am
“Leroy”, I am afraid you misspelled your own name. It’s Leeroy.
November 7th, 2008 at 11:35 am
JJJJS: Yes, being too drunk to function should have been part of the list. I like to knock back a few cold ones as much as the next guy, but there comes a point where it’s no longer funny. And it’s not so much the constant AFK’ing for pee breaks before the person eventually passes out. It’s that the drunk person invariably attacks the wrong thing, or wants to take all his armor off and fight naked, or comes back from a pee break and walks his character into the bad guys while trying to figure out which of those things on the screen is his.
November 7th, 2008 at 11:23 am
I’m surprised spawn camping wasnt somewhere on the list
Or maybe they took that out of newer games? I dunno, but this list is the exact reason why I dont play online games anymore
November 7th, 2008 at 11:17 am
[...] Deadly Sins In a article at Cracked a person put together a list of THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS OF ONLINE GAMING. I have to say I [...]
November 7th, 2008 at 11:14 am
This article couldn’t have been more awesome if I had written it.
My College room mate was seriously guilty of #6. I can’t even begin to count the number of Madden games that ended halfway through the 3rd quarter with a roll of the controller across the floor, a quick flick of the power switch, and a quietly muttered “Fuck you Jerome Bettis…” before the slamming of the dorm door. My usual reaction was that I was a bit disappointed I didn’t get to kick my extra point.
#3 can be alot of fun, particularly if done with a good group of friends who know you’re just goof ballin. Wouldn’t recommend doing it with a group of strangers though. Definitely makes you worthy of the d-bag label if you do.
November 7th, 2008 at 11:04 am
Number 6 is so bloody true it deserves to be in on the 6 o clock news.
Well done!
November 7th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Other than #6 I disagree with all of these. It kinda sounds like a list of things that are pet peeves. If I was level 10 million in WOW I’d kill low level people just like in that South Park Episode.
November 7th, 2008 at 11:01 am
cunt is the reason why people think americans are stupid
November 7th, 2008 at 11:01 am
TF2 rocks my socks. The only Deadly Sin possible there is Sloth and sometimes maybe Avarice. It’s a masterpeice every time.
Left 4 Dead is going to be the best thing since sliced bread. The Halo bros have no idea.
November 7th, 2008 at 11:00 am
You missed: “hackers” who doesn’t hate those bastards. ( I bet they hate themselves)
But what is even worse: people who shout “hacker” when you are owning his butt, just because, you are owning his butt.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:55 am
#6 makes me want to murder. That shit is automatic when playing Madden ‘09. About 90% of the games I play online end one of two ways…me getting pulverized because I refuse to cover the flats (that’s for pussies) or the other person quitting in the second quarter. Goddammit.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:49 am
I agree with JJJJS about the drunk player– that increasingly incoherent guy who has started to fumble grenades and shoot at fire hydrants with his M98 (while the rest of us sneak through hostile territory). I hate that guy.
I’m talking to you, Paul!
November 7th, 2008 at 10:31 am
I’ve been trying to find the right words to convey #1 to my online “hardcore” acquaintances for some time now. Well done.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Heh, if Blizzard actually made a “Burgercraft” it would probably sell…!
November 7th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Wow. Every single one of these lays out exactly why I won’t play online games. I think the only one I’d add concerns being too drunk to function, but I guess passing out while the rest of your team gets slaughtered is kind of like afk…
Good job.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:09 am
The punishment for #1 should actually have the player be forced to get a real job and never play online games again… or shot in the face (literally).
November 7th, 2008 at 10:02 am
After that initial quasi-religious stumble, this was really funny. I’ve never played an MMORPG, but now I want to, just to do some of this stuff. Sheesh, talk about ironic: I never even heard of this stuff, let alone wanted to do it, but now, just because Swaim says I can’t, I totally want to.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:58 am
I am very amazed that there is not a single comment saying YOU CAN’T LOOT CORPSES ON WOW and assorted “missing-the-point” ones. Is this… a more clever audience?
November 7th, 2008 at 9:56 am
#6 is the most frustrating thing ever, playing someone on Rock Band trying to get that 5 straight wins achievement becomes significantly harder when every cunt out there decides to quit when they’ve realised they’re getting raped.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:44 am
and the sad is,its true
November 7th, 2008 at 9:43 am
He has some interesting points. Except everything he says.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:38 am
November 7th, 2008 at 9:37 am
that was great, i loved number one, just because i know people who do that, and for a while i was going down that path.
until i realised it should be fun and not stupidly life consuming.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:34 am
So many douchebags, so little time…online gaming sure does blow sometimes
November 7th, 2008 at 9:34 am
I once quit a game after boasting about poaching an item the guy on my own team that I killed and teabagged needed to live. It was sweet.
LERRRROOOOOOOOY JENKINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNS!
November 7th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Awesome post Swaim, one of your best methinks.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:31 am
I think you mean “wise prophet Swaim” there “Gaming God” or should I say: Daniel O’Brien!
November 7th, 2008 at 9:29 am
HAHAHAHA!!! Hilarious!
November 7th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Wow, D.O.B. has got hotter.
Wait, this is Swaim? Damn you Gaming God!!
Very respectable article. And where can I purchase Burgercraft? I want some quarter pounder justice!
I’ll settle to playing Elder Scrolls where no one but the minotaurs (and the guards, rats, mountain lions, daedra etc) are complete douches.
Plus I hate humans.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:23 am
Amen, and let all my children so follow the commands of the wise prophet D.O.B.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:20 am
DNRTFA (yet), but I’m hoping to god that there’s an allusion to RUNNING NO-HUDDLE THE ENTIRE FREAKING TIME IN MADDEN. Geez is that annoying.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:10 am
good