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The 7 Creepiest Inventions Ever Patented For the Crotch

#3. The Most Painful Measurement in Existence

Device for Measuring the Degree of Axial Rigidity of the Penis (1996) Patent # 5,507,302

There is no preparation for what you are about to see.

Patent # 5,507,302
We're sorry.

Thank you for climbing back up from the fetal position on the floor to continue reading. We don't care whether you have a penis or merely borrow one, or both, or neither: Anyone made of human flesh and empathy can only cringe at that image. It could replace the Voight-Kampff test, except exposing people to that image would count as cruel and unusual punishment. Figure 2 is described as displaying "a different degree of rigidity," proving that this really was built by uncaring robots who feel nothing when they cause human pain, because nothing human could collect data for the following curve. The axes are applied force vs. time, where these psychopaths measured the yield stress of the human penis.

Patent # 5,507,302
"At time point 2, the subject screamed and started murdering the entire world."

Point 8 is marked as the point of "incurvation," and for every guy reading, that word is now a real Cruciatus curse. It also has a temperature sensor, presumably so Satan can measure the exact temperature of agony for hell's thermostat.

#2. Tie It With String

Penis Retractor for Use in Surgical or Other Medical Procedures (2008) Patent Application # US2008/0108864 A1 (PDF)

Sex sells, but even the U.S. Patent Office won't buy a slipknot just because you shoved a dick in it.

Getty
It looks like they've got a few already.

And I only showed you that so you could gear down to the mental level of the invention without blowing a lobe. Behold what Barbara Girgen and Violet Joyce Schafer tried to patent in 2008.

Patent Application # US 2008/0108864 A1
I made it extra big so you could get the full glory of the handwriting, and because dick joke.

They were so proud they even proclaimed it as the "G AND S PENIS RETRACTOR," in the hopes that caps would impress assessors into thinking string didn't already exist. It's intended to hold the cock out of the way during surgery. Presumably they assumed that surgeons had just been ducking underneath and trying to cut between the dangles. It looks more like an elaborate revenge on mankind, possibly after being victims of the world's only double-blind-date breakup. Because any woman who'd even conceive of tying an unconscious man's langer like that gives off detectable waves of crazy.

Patent Application # US 2008/0108864 A1
These lunatics can't even work a ruler, and they want to be in charge of dong safety?

Is there anything these madwomen won't tie strings to? Actually, no, because their previous attempt at twine-based riches was a knotted string for women in labor.

BONUS PATENT

Second Stage Labor Assist Apparatus and Method (2005) Patent Application # US 2005/0192169 A1 (PDF)

Patent Application # US 2005/0192169 A1
No wonder she's pregnant -- that guy has a cock for an arm.

Neither application was granted, because it turns out you can't claim to have invented tying things up in 2005. And again in 2008. I'm more terrified about how it took these idiots three years to free-associate from "a woman getting pregnant" to "a penis!"

#1. The Clockwork Cock

Penis Demonstration Model (2008) Patent Application # US 2008/0032274 A1 (PDF)

Judah Isaacs designed an artificial cock with more mechanical components than Voltron but less anatomical correctness.

Patent Application # US 2008/0032274 A1
At least four steampunks just right-clicked "Save image."

His mechamember's only function is to show that a penis can be erect or flaccid. The only way someone could not know that as soon as they hear the word "penis" is if they called it a zakila or titi instead. Light switches are equally accurate models of the male member, and more useful.

Patent Application # US 2008/0032274 A1
There is no need for a penis to have a gear train. There shouldn't have been a need for that sentence.

The patent still spends longer describing the cam-gear system than the actual penis simulation. There haven't been so many overcomplicated steps for a useless and unconvincing dick since the last Pick-Up Artist manual. Judah suggests it could be useful for doctors treating erectile dysfunction, but the only use would be mocking patients they don't like. Unless they're upgrading the Tin Man, there's no use for such a clunkily unconvincing robodick. He specifically uses the words "simple," "portable" and "cost-efficient," despite having designed a penis model with all the biological accuracy of a windscreen wiper but more moving parts than tank treads. If there was an emergency service for Sigmund Freud, we'd send them to the address on this patent.

Despite developing an electrowang that could probably drill through walls, he's sort of adorable, because he genuinely thinks he's invented the idea of a large rubber cock on a motor. Meaning that in the year 2008, there's still one man who hasn't watched online porn. But since the patent wasn't granted, we now know that the U.S. Patent Office does.

Luke McKinney recovers from mind-bending (and penis-bending) horror with the best cocktail in the world. He does not apologize for poisoning the phrase air-bending just now. He also tumbles and has a website.

For more patent madness, check out The 7 Most Terrifying Sex Toys Ever Patented and The 7 Most Sexist Things Ever Invented for Boobs.

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Luke McKinney

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