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Some men will stick their dick in anything, and this is the only fact evolution and police blotters agree on. The penis is a combination executive toy and override switch. Most men don't actually think with their dicks, because we're not sitcom characters, but we're aware of them in the same way an oil rig manager has to be aware of the drill -- whatever else they actually want to do with their life, that's what the hardware they're using was designed for.

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Because it's miles long and pounding down into the planet's deep wet spots, and possibly the only thing more phallic than a phallus.

But psychopaths ran out of things to enpenis about two hundred years ago and have been inventing new ones ever since. Most of them make the Saw movies look like infomercials for personal massagers.

7
Penis Gallows

Penis Exercise Machine (2010) Patent # US 7,828,718 B2 (PDF)

Patent # US 7,828,718 B2

At first, this looks like an attempt to build a sitcom joke by giving dicks little legs to walk around on, rendering the rest of the man obsolete. But then you notice that the little feet are locked together, your brain reorients the picture and you immediately buckle over in pain.

Patent # US 7,828,718 B2

That's not an exercise machine, that's a spring-loaded genital noose. That is the wrong kind of well hung. In fact, you're being hung and drawn -- that's two-thirds of all the worst things even medieval psychopaths could do to the human body. Marsellus Wallace would approve. We should only be grateful the inventor didn't hear about quartering or he'd be advertising a pair of crossed blades to give you 400 percent more dick.

The patent claims to expand "without pain while holding a glans side of the penis," which is the most agonizing contradiction I've ever read. He states that the machine cannot be detached easily, as if that's a good thing, proving that he's been sent from a mirror universe to prevent regular Earthmen from breeding. The patent boasts that this can be used "even by a beginner for a long time with small pain," though describing their problem as a "small pain" is literally a dick thing to say to an amateur cock expander. The craziest bit? This isn't just a patent, it's a real product.

[NSFW] PeniStretcher by Wenck Medical Systems
You can actually hear it cackling.

Dick-stretching mail-order companies tend not to leave a huge academic impact, so I can't tell if the PeniStretcher (TM) from, I kid you not, Wenck Medical Systems uses the above patent or the other way around. I just hope neither is a rip-off, because that is the worst possible word to use around an extending metal dick harness.

6
Accelerating Foot Strap

Method and Device to Provide Penis Enlargement (2009) Patent Application # US 2009/0287041 A1 (PDF)

Telling men you'll give them a bigger dick is more powerful than hypnotism, because even a hypnotized man will kick your ass with his foot before he'll tie his dick to it. The very first words in this patent are "A penis tensioning device." The only good things that can come after that are your gimp grunting appreciatively, then your gimp. Kenneth Adams follows with thousands of words and a schematic for the actual concept of pain.

Patent Application # US 2009/0287041 A1
Now imagine walking. Now try to stop screaming, or thanks for reading this far, ladies.

It comes with more options than a Swiss Army knife, each more painful than the same Swiss Army knife fully deployed and up your ass.

Patent Application # US 2009/0287041 A1
The sequel to "YMCA" was less popular.

The inventor seriously suggests using this while running and jumping. He posits penis enlargement to improve self-esteem, but any man prepared to go through that could gain confidence more easily and less painfully by joining or attacking the SAS.

He complains that other dick-stretchers on the market can't be used by men freely going about their daily activities, but his can, because he has a different definition of the word "free" from every other man in the world. Or anyone of any gender who's read the Geneva Conventions. He describes in terrifying detail how other stretchers fail to allow "angulation" of the tension, though whether "angulation" is the noise you make in use or what the coroner reports as the cause of death afterward is unknown.

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5
Wet Dream Cooling System

Surgical Appliance (1893) Patent # 494,436 (PDF)

This patent was filed when people couldn't even write the word "genitals," and is the most terrifyingly repressed thing outside of the poor pork sausage trapped in the nightmare ElectroPants it describes.

Patent # 494,436
No one has ever drunk tea from this kettle.

It uses electricity to prevent the penis from ejaculating. Frank Orth uses the word "erection" once and the word "penis" never, only describing how the offending organ should be locked between bracing supports connected to electricity. These days, you have to murder people in Alabama to offend that hard. And part number 12 up there isn't a brace or connection: It's a double-pronged claw designed to cut into your spine if you try to outwit the ElectroPants by sleeping on your back. Orth will defeat your erection if he has to paralyze you from the waist down to do it. Never mind trouser-snakes -- real snake containers don't have that level of security.

Patent # 494,436
Messrs. Walker and Sedgwick witnessed the invention of what looks like an electro-cock-guillotine. They spent the rest of their lives traveling further away from Frank Orth by day and locking the bedroom door every night.

The cooling system is activated when growing wood pushes the contact plate to close the circuit. This triggers an external electrical motor connected to fan blades and a hose, and remember that we're at the end of the 19th century: Nikola Tesla had only produced an electric motor five years before. Frank Orth was bringing the latest in high technology to battle the demon cock, and despite being the earliest and worst Ghostbuster, the only result was a gentle breeze. His idea of calming a raging langer was to build the world's first and ugliest sex-bot to gently blow on it.

4
Inflatable Penis Cage

Condom Exerting Lateral Pressure on the Penis (1999) Patent # 5,885,205

"The often cumbersome process of applying the condom can result in the loss of erection during the time required for application making the condom useless and resulting in the frustration of the user." If you're taking so long to put on rubbers that you're losing your erection, don't worry about it, your partner left hours ago. And they got far more endorphins out of laughing at you than they would have sleeping with you.

Patent # 5,885,205
The only Zen riddle you can stick your dick in.

Leon Kassman's solution is a condom cage that can stay hard without you, and just in case that's not enough psychological evisceration for you, it's made of thin inflatable rubbers. Despite "modeling balloons as penis substitute" being the number one reason repressed people are terrified of clowns.

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Insanely paranoid that everyone was searching for him, Waldo took extreme measures.

You might be able to spot one more flaw with his designs.

Patent #5,885,205
Something's not right here, but I can't and won't put my finger on it.

That's only one of his several novelty inflatable penis prisons, but last time I checked, the vagina wasn't one of those preschool "push the shapes through the holes" toys. That triangu-todger-piston looks like the missing component in C-3PO and R2-D2's relationship.

Lucasfilm
From now on you will never not see that R2 is at perfect blowjob height.

Connection port 12 is where you attach a tube to inflate this prism of horror, but if you've got a willing partner and they can't orally inflate your manhood, you have a problem far beyond ballooning's ability to solve. The patent also suggests crushing compressed-air pellets, but by the time you're deploying gas pellets and pneumatics, you're better off dropping an actual smoke bomb and hiring a ninja to sleep with your partner in the confusion. Which will still be less embarrassing than this device.

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3
The Most Painful Measurement in Existence

Device for Measuring the Degree of Axial Rigidity of the Penis (1996) Patent # 5,507,302

There is no preparation for what you are about to see.

Patent # 5,507,302
We're sorry.

Thank you for climbing back up from the fetal position on the floor to continue reading. We don't care whether you have a penis or merely borrow one, or both, or neither: Anyone made of human flesh and empathy can only cringe at that image. It could replace the Voight-Kampff test, except exposing people to that image would count as cruel and unusual punishment. Figure 2 is described as displaying "a different degree of rigidity," proving that this really was built by uncaring robots who feel nothing when they cause human pain, because nothing human could collect data for the following curve. The axes are applied force vs. time, where these psychopaths measured the yield stress of the human penis.

Patent # 5,507,302
"At time point 2, the subject screamed and started murdering the entire world."

Point 8 is marked as the point of "incurvation," and for every guy reading, that word is now a real Cruciatus curse. It also has a temperature sensor, presumably so Satan can measure the exact temperature of agony for hell's thermostat.

2
Tie It With String

Penis Retractor for Use in Surgical or Other Medical Procedures (2008) Patent Application # US2008/0108864 A1 (PDF)

Sex sells, but even the U.S. Patent Office won't buy a slipknot just because you shoved a dick in it.

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It looks like they've got a few already.

And I only showed you that so you could gear down to the mental level of the invention without blowing a lobe. Behold what Barbara Girgen and Violet Joyce Schafer tried to patent in 2008.

Patent Application # US 2008/0108864 A1
I made it extra big so you could get the full glory of the handwriting, and because dick joke.

They were so proud they even proclaimed it as the "G AND S PENIS RETRACTOR," in the hopes that caps would impress assessors into thinking string didn't already exist. It's intended to hold the cock out of the way during surgery. Presumably they assumed that surgeons had just been ducking underneath and trying to cut between the dangles. It looks more like an elaborate revenge on mankind, possibly after being victims of the world's only double-blind-date breakup. Because any woman who'd even conceive of tying an unconscious man's langer like that gives off detectable waves of crazy.

Patent Application # US 2008/0108864 A1
These lunatics can't even work a ruler, and they want to be in charge of dong safety?

Is there anything these madwomen won't tie strings to? Actually, no, because their previous attempt at twine-based riches was a knotted string for women in labor.

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BONUS PATENT

Second Stage Labor Assist Apparatus and Method (2005) Patent Application # US 2005/0192169 A1 (PDF)

Patent Application # US 2005/0192169 A1
No wonder she's pregnant -- that guy has a cock for an arm.

Neither application was granted, because it turns out you can't claim to have invented tying things up in 2005. And again in 2008. I'm more terrified about how it took these idiots three years to free-associate from "a woman getting pregnant" to "a penis!"

1
The Clockwork Cock

Penis Demonstration Model (2008) Patent Application # US 2008/0032274 A1 (PDF)

Judah Isaacs designed an artificial cock with more mechanical components than Voltron but less anatomical correctness.

Patent Application # US 2008/0032274 A1
At least four steampunks just right-clicked "Save image."

His mechamember's only function is to show that a penis can be erect or flaccid. The only way someone could not know that as soon as they hear the word "penis" is if they called it a zakila or titi instead. Light switches are equally accurate models of the male member, and more useful.

Patent Application # US 2008/0032274 A1
There is no need for a penis to have a gear train. There shouldn't have been a need for that sentence.

The patent still spends longer describing the cam-gear system than the actual penis simulation. There haven't been so many overcomplicated steps for a useless and unconvincing dick since the last Pick-Up Artist manual. Judah suggests it could be useful for doctors treating erectile dysfunction, but the only use would be mocking patients they don't like. Unless they're upgrading the Tin Man, there's no use for such a clunkily unconvincing robodick. He specifically uses the words "simple," "portable" and "cost-efficient," despite having designed a penis model with all the biological accuracy of a windscreen wiper but more moving parts than tank treads. If there was an emergency service for Sigmund Freud, we'd send them to the address on this patent.

Despite developing an electrowang that could probably drill through walls, he's sort of adorable, because he genuinely thinks he's invented the idea of a large rubber cock on a motor. Meaning that in the year 2008, there's still one man who hasn't watched online porn. But since the patent wasn't granted, we now know that the U.S. Patent Office does.

Luke McKinney recovers from mind-bending (and penis-bending) horror with the best cocktail in the world. He does not apologize for poisoning the phrase air-bending just now. He also tumbles and has a website.

For more patent madness, check out The 7 Most Terrifying Sex Toys Ever Patented and The 7 Most Sexist Things Ever Invented for Boobs.

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