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The 7 Creepiest Inventions Ever Patented For the Crotch

Some men will stick their dick in anything, and this is the only fact evolution and police blotters agree on. The penis is a combination executive toy and override switch. Most men don't actually think with their dicks, because we're not sitcom characters, but we're aware of them in the same way an oil rig manager has to be aware of the drill -- whatever else they actually want to do with their life, that's what the hardware they're using was designed for.

Getty
Because it's miles long and pounding down into the planet's deep wet spots, and possibly the only thing more phallic than a phallus.

But psychopaths ran out of things to enpenis about two hundred years ago and have been inventing new ones ever since. Most of them make the Saw movies look like infomercials for personal massagers.

#7. Penis Gallows

Penis Exercise Machine (2010) Patent # US 7,828,718 B2 (PDF)

Patent # US 7,828,718 B2

At first, this looks like an attempt to build a sitcom joke by giving dicks little legs to walk around on, rendering the rest of the man obsolete. But then you notice that the little feet are locked together, your brain reorients the picture and you immediately buckle over in pain.

Patent # US 7,828,718 B2

That's not an exercise machine, that's a spring-loaded genital noose. That is the wrong kind of well hung. In fact, you're being hung and drawn -- that's two-thirds of all the worst things even medieval psychopaths could do to the human body. Marsellus Wallace would approve. We should only be grateful the inventor didn't hear about quartering or he'd be advertising a pair of crossed blades to give you 400 percent more dick.

The patent claims to expand "without pain while holding a glans side of the penis," which is the most agonizing contradiction I've ever read. He states that the machine cannot be detached easily, as if that's a good thing, proving that he's been sent from a mirror universe to prevent regular Earthmen from breeding. The patent boasts that this can be used "even by a beginner for a long time with small pain," though describing their problem as a "small pain" is literally a dick thing to say to an amateur cock expander. The craziest bit? This isn't just a patent, it's a real product.

[NSFW] PeniStretcher by Wenck Medical Systems
You can actually hear it cackling.

Dick-stretching mail-order companies tend not to leave a huge academic impact, so I can't tell if the PeniStretcher (TM) from, I kid you not, Wenck Medical Systems uses the above patent or the other way around. I just hope neither is a rip-off, because that is the worst possible word to use around an extending metal dick harness.

#6. Accelerating Foot Strap

Method and Device to Provide Penis Enlargement (2009) Patent Application # US 2009/0287041 A1 (PDF)

Telling men you'll give them a bigger dick is more powerful than hypnotism, because even a hypnotized man will kick your ass with his foot before he'll tie his dick to it. The very first words in this patent are "A penis tensioning device." The only good things that can come after that are your gimp grunting appreciatively, then your gimp. Kenneth Adams follows with thousands of words and a schematic for the actual concept of pain.

Patent Application # US 2009/0287041 A1
Now imagine walking. Now try to stop screaming, or thanks for reading this far, ladies.

It comes with more options than a Swiss Army knife, each more painful than the same Swiss Army knife fully deployed and up your ass.

Patent Application # US 2009/0287041 A1
The sequel to "YMCA" was less popular.

The inventor seriously suggests using this while running and jumping. He posits penis enlargement to improve self-esteem, but any man prepared to go through that could gain confidence more easily and less painfully by joining or attacking the SAS.

He complains that other dick-stretchers on the market can't be used by men freely going about their daily activities, but his can, because he has a different definition of the word "free" from every other man in the world. Or anyone of any gender who's read the Geneva Conventions. He describes in terrifying detail how other stretchers fail to allow "angulation" of the tension, though whether "angulation" is the noise you make in use or what the coroner reports as the cause of death afterward is unknown.

#5. Wet Dream Cooling System

Surgical Appliance (1893) Patent # 494,436 (PDF)

This patent was filed when people couldn't even write the word "genitals," and is the most terrifyingly repressed thing outside of the poor pork sausage trapped in the nightmare ElectroPants it describes.

Patent # 494,436
No one has ever drunk tea from this kettle.

It uses electricity to prevent the penis from ejaculating. Frank Orth uses the word "erection" once and the word "penis" never, only describing how the offending organ should be locked between bracing supports connected to electricity. These days, you have to murder people in Alabama to offend that hard. And part number 12 up there isn't a brace or connection: It's a double-pronged claw designed to cut into your spine if you try to outwit the ElectroPants by sleeping on your back. Orth will defeat your erection if he has to paralyze you from the waist down to do it. Never mind trouser-snakes -- real snake containers don't have that level of security.

Patent # 494,436
Messrs. Walker and Sedgwick witnessed the invention of what looks like an electro-cock-guillotine. They spent the rest of their lives traveling further away from Frank Orth by day and locking the bedroom door every night.

The cooling system is activated when growing wood pushes the contact plate to close the circuit. This triggers an external electrical motor connected to fan blades and a hose, and remember that we're at the end of the 19th century: Nikola Tesla had only produced an electric motor five years before. Frank Orth was bringing the latest in high technology to battle the demon cock, and despite being the earliest and worst Ghostbuster, the only result was a gentle breeze. His idea of calming a raging langer was to build the world's first and ugliest sex-bot to gently blow on it.

#4. Inflatable Penis Cage

Condom Exerting Lateral Pressure on the Penis (1999) Patent # 5,885,205

"The often cumbersome process of applying the condom can result in the loss of erection during the time required for application making the condom useless and resulting in the frustration of the user." If you're taking so long to put on rubbers that you're losing your erection, don't worry about it, your partner left hours ago. And they got far more endorphins out of laughing at you than they would have sleeping with you.

Patent # 5,885,205
The only Zen riddle you can stick your dick in.

Leon Kassman's solution is a condom cage that can stay hard without you, and just in case that's not enough psychological evisceration for you, it's made of thin inflatable rubbers. Despite "modeling balloons as penis substitute" being the number one reason repressed people are terrified of clowns.

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Insanely paranoid that everyone was searching for him, Waldo took extreme measures.

You might be able to spot one more flaw with his designs.

Patent #5,885,205
Something's not right here, but I can't and won't put my finger on it.

That's only one of his several novelty inflatable penis prisons, but last time I checked, the vagina wasn't one of those preschool "push the shapes through the holes" toys. That triangu-todger-piston looks like the missing component in C-3PO and R2-D2's relationship.

Lucasfilm
From now on you will never not see that R2 is at perfect blowjob height.

Connection port 12 is where you attach a tube to inflate this prism of horror, but if you've got a willing partner and they can't orally inflate your manhood, you have a problem far beyond ballooning's ability to solve. The patent also suggests crushing compressed-air pellets, but by the time you're deploying gas pellets and pneumatics, you're better off dropping an actual smoke bomb and hiring a ninja to sleep with your partner in the confusion. Which will still be less embarrassing than this device.

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