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Hey, have you heard about this thing called social media? It's like Facebook and Twitter? It's also like Tumblr and Pinterest, but I'm not a 14-year-old girl or a middle-aged housewife, so I'm not really talking about Tumblr and Pinterest. I do have a Tumblr, but I think I'm doing it wrong, because I don't make GIFs of BBC shows. Cody probably does the Cracked Tumblr right, but truth be told, he is a 14-year-old housewife, so that's cheating.

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Pictured above: Cody

Anyway, I do have a Facebook and a Twitter, and I've noticed that it's a good place for lies. Especially certain lies that keep popping up. So here are some of the biggest lies on social media.

7
"A Lot of People Have Been Asking Me ..."

This is something people say a lot when they're promoting their stuff. Now, I have no problem with self-promotion. If I did, I'd be the biggest hypocrite on the Internet. After all, I'm always promoting my Cracked columns, videos, and forthcoming novel now ready for pre-order!

But some people are not comfortable self-promoting. They don't like saying "I did this, and I want you to see it." So they have to act like someone is twisting their arm, and almost invariably, it's BS:

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Or sometimes people lie to create a buzz. It's the advertising equivalent of "Everyone's talking about Poop Pops! The lollipop with 100 percent artificial poop flavor!" No one's talking about Poop Pops, and very few people care about blog posts. I encourage everyone to just put their stuff out there unapologetically. Those who care will care. Those who don't care will go away, but you couldn't keep them with a lie anyway.

6
"I Lost a Lot of Followers on That One"

This is a big one on Twitter when people want to be edgy. They'll tweet some hard-edged joke or, even more common, just say something political:

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Maybe they'll lose a follower. Two followers, even. But right after this bold move of Twitter daring, they'll tweet something like "I'm hemmorhaging followers!" Really? Did you go from 248 to 246? Man, well now you know how Nelson Mandela felt!

Social media is already a "dig me" enterprise, but the "lost a lot of followers" tweets are basically fraudulent narcissism on steroids. It's like poking someone in the eye, seeing they don't seem to mind, and then going up to them again and saying, "Oh, man! I poked you in the eye. Did you miss it? Think about it until you see how much my eye-poking annoyed you!"

PSYCHIC UPDATE: I lost a lot of followers with this last list entry.

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5
"I Just Got This DM/Message"

This one is a little different, because even though it's an oft-told social media lie, it's often true as well. Facebook messaging and Twitter direct messages (or DMs) are incredibly buggy. They appear and disappear much like the sores on Cracked's own Felix Clay's STD-disfigured member. But that's exactly why it's such a great lie! It's impossible to call BS with 100 percent confidence.

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Unless you're this guy. He just can't be stopped.

"Didn't get your text" or "didn't get your email" is far more dubious than "I didn't get your DM." This is why I'm currently lobbying to have the federal government issue jury duty notices via social media messaging.

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"Sorry, I didn't know I missed jury duty. I guess the blue dot in my inbox went away when I was retweeting that hashtag about #mysexlifeinmovies ..."

4
Relationship Status: It's Complicated

No it's not. Only one of you loves the other, but you both still bone.

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Burn!

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3
Listing Hobbies as Vocations

I've written about this before, but I have almost never called myself a writer -- like it's my job. I do make money writing. I am getting increasingly legit, as one does over time in any field, but until I can feed my kids and pay my bills and pay down my student loans doing nothing but writing outside of an established organization, I don't feel comfortable going around saying "I'm a writer." I write, but I'm not yet "a writer." That's why my Twitter bio lists things I do, but not what I am.

Many people, however, don't have that problem. Their bios define them as painter, writer, dancer! It's great to say "I love to dance!" or "aspiring dancer" or "dreaming of going to Broadway to dance," but I kind of find "dancer" to be a lie if you just really enjoy the occasional tap class. I know some people disagree, but at least I'm not being hypocritical about it. There's more lying in social media bios than in Felix Clay's bedroom when he's explaining the growths on his genitalia.

2
"I Haven't Been on Here in Forever!"

Social media comes with games. It comes with ways to meet new people. But most of all it comes with shame. A deep, abiding shame that even those born directly into the Internet age feel. Many people would rather admit to downloading borderline illegal porn than spending time on Facebook. Maybe it's because there seems to be a correlation between the number of social media postings and depression. Is this a proven scientific theory? I'm not sure. I'm basing it on my focus group of one:


"Oh hi!"

But it certainly seems true, and that's why so many people post this lie: "I haven't been on here in forever!!!!"

It's OK, babies. It's happened to the best of us. No need to pretend.

PSYCHIC UPDATE: To those of you who commented about how all social media is bullshit and that's why you don't do it, you are very cool.

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1
"I'm Quitting This Site!"

There's a lot of things that suck about the Internet, but the overriding problem with the Net is that it has people on it. So really it's no different from the world or life or your office: Some people are terrible, and the more of them there are in one place, the greater your chances of meeting them! That's why, after trolling or oversensitive political correctness or being misunderstood or any one of the things that can make social media annoying happens, people will say, "THAT'S IT! I'M QUITTING."

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Hello, old friend. You're good at everything!

This is one of those lies that only turns out to be a lie in hindsight. We know you're mad. You might even be right to be mad. But you'll be back. They always come back. We have hashtags and apps. Go blow off some steam. Live your life in the real world. But you can't avoid 1 a.m. and boredom forever. Social media will see you real soon. Bwahahahahaha!



GLADSTONE'S NOTES FROM THE INTERNET APOCALYPSE IS NOW AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER!

After experiencing the joy of pre-ordering Book 1 of the trilogy, be sure to follow Gladstone on Twitter.

Also, you can get all your Internet Apocalypse news here as we count down to release.


What's the best way to put a liar to shame? Pick up a Tesla T-shirt and show us how you would defeat their villainy .

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