Hey, have you heard about this thing called social media? It's like Facebook and Twitter? It's also like Tumblr and Pinterest, but I'm not a 14-year-old girl or a middle-aged housewife, so I'm not really talking about Tumblr and Pinterest. I do have a Tumblr, but I think I'm doing it wrong, because I don't make GIFs of BBC shows. Cody probably does the Cracked Tumblr right, but truth be told, he is a 14-year-old housewife, so that's cheating.
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Pictured above: Cody
#7. "A Lot of People Have Been Asking Me ..."
This is something people say a lot when they're promoting their stuff. Now, I have no problem with self-promotion. If I did, I'd be the biggest hypocrite on the Internet. After all, I'm always promoting my Cracked columns, videos, and forthcoming novel now ready for pre-order!
But some people are not comfortable self-promoting. They don't like saying "I did this, and I want you to see it." So they have to act like someone is twisting their arm, and almost invariably, it's BS:
Or sometimes people lie to create a buzz. It's the advertising equivalent of "Everyone's talking about Poop Pops! The lollipop with 100 percent artificial poop flavor!" No one's talking about Poop Pops, and very few people care about blog posts. I encourage everyone to just put their stuff out there unapologetically. Those who care will care. Those who don't care will go away, but you couldn't keep them with a lie anyway.
#6. "I Lost a Lot of Followers on That One"
This is a big one on Twitter when people want to be edgy. They'll tweet some hard-edged joke or, even more common, just say something political:
Maybe they'll lose a follower. Two followers, even. But right after this bold move of Twitter daring, they'll tweet something like "I'm hemmorhaging followers!" Really? Did you go from 248 to 246? Man, well now you know how Nelson Mandela felt!
Social media is already a "dig me" enterprise, but the "lost a lot of followers" tweets are basically fraudulent narcissism on steroids. It's like poking someone in the eye, seeing they don't seem to mind, and then going up to them again and saying, "Oh, man! I poked you in the eye. Did you miss it? Think about it until you see how much my eye-poking annoyed you!"
PSYCHIC UPDATE: I lost a lot of followers with this last list entry.
#5. "I Just Got This DM/Message"
This one is a little different, because even though it's an oft-told social media lie, it's often true as well. Facebook messaging and Twitter direct messages (or DMs) are incredibly buggy. They appear and disappear much like the sores on Cracked's own Felix Clay's STD-disfigured member. But that's exactly why it's such a great lie! It's impossible to call BS with 100 percent confidence.
Unless you're this guy. He just can't be stopped.
"Didn't get your text" or "didn't get your email" is far more dubious than "I didn't get your DM." This is why I'm currently lobbying to have the federal government issue jury duty notices via social media messaging.
"Sorry, I didn't know I missed jury duty. I guess the blue dot in my inbox went away when I was retweeting that hashtag about #mysexlifeinmovies ..."
#4. Relationship Status: It's Complicated
No it's not. Only one of you loves the other, but you both still bone.