The 7 Best Kinds of Monkeys: A Drunk Column

Emperor Tamarin

Hahahahaha, yes! This is so much better! This monkey is like medicine for sadness. Who do you think you are, monkey? Robert Brockway? You're the Brockway monkey from now on. Everybody change the encyclopedias ... quick. I bet that monkey and Brockway would be best friends. Sitting around with their waxed mustaches, talking about the sounds planets make.* Good luck eating spaghetti, you monkey. You'll get marinara sauce all over that thing!

"I was just saying; smart smart smart, classic cars, Portland."

Total drink count: yeah!

This One!

Oh shit, these things are vicious. It's got wolf fangs and demon eyes. This thing will roll its lips back and bear its teeth sometimes, but the crazy part is, that's how it shows affection.* Nothing makes sense about this monkey, I don't even know why it wears those weird blue things on its vuvuzela nose. What does it need such a bright nose for anyway? Maybe it's toxic or something. Isn't that how nature works? Get out of here baboon thing, you're freaking me out.

Oh! Its ass is just as weird! It's boring in the middle and crazy on both ends like a, like a, I don't know, something that's like that. I can't decide which end is more ridiculous. Its ass looks like storm clouds at sunset. It looks like a more colorful version of this monkey's face:

Ha. Yes. That monkey has an ass face.*

Total drink count: 80085!

Koala Bear

Koala's are native to Australia and they're famous for being adorable and having pockets. Its name means "doesn't drink" so it's generally kind of boring at parties. It can go long periods without water and instead gets most of the moisture it needs from eucalyptus leaves, I'm pretty sure. The females have two vaginas which, when you think about it, is completely nuts. In captivity, the females prefer to have sex with each other instead of males, sometimes in same-sex orgies with as many as five at a time joining the pile.

Can you steer a hot air balloon or do they just float?

Males only have one penis but it's double-headed to accommodate the two vaginas each female has. Just to be clear, the males don't just have one double-headed penis among all of them that they have to share, that would be crazy. They each have one.

Hey, here's some koalas fighting.

So there you have it, the five best kinds of bears. Technically koalas are not really bears but I'm including them because they mean a lot to me. I used to have a girlfriend who would call me a koala. She saw a documentary about them and how slow they move all the time and she thought it was fitting for me. She had a lot of funny things she would say about how I wasn't ever motivated and how sometimes I would sleep until noon but the koala thing is the only one I remember. She left me because I was lazy, so I guess the whole koala thing should have been a red flag. It doesn't feel like a long time ago but it was.

You know what, I'm just going to call her.

For more from Soren, check out The Most Appropriately Endangered Species on the Planet and 5 Ham-Fisted Religious Websites.

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Soren Bowie

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