The 6 Worst Pieces of Sex Advice on the Internet

#3. Change Your Sheets

Darrin Klimek/Digital Vision/Getty Images

If I were giving advice on how to become a better lover, I'd suggest getting drunk and seeing how different from one another your partner's holes taste, but I don't have any medical or sexual experience that hasn't been resolved in therapy sessions, so what do I know? I'll tell you what I know -- changing your sheets is a lame-ass suggestion for improving your love life. But here we are.

This article on WebMD, the Internet's pre-eminent self-diagnostic hypochondriac's wet dream, is linked to two sex experts, so you'd think the advice would be pretty solid. And yet the required word count must have been looking as hard to grasp as a unicorn when it came time to flesh out the section on redecorating the bedroom when the suggestion to pick up the dirty laundry and try out some new sheets came up.

A good rule of thumb for sexual endeavors is that if your sex life has decayed to the point where changing the sheets is needed to spice it up, then it's time to pack it in and become some kind of monk or competitive StarCraft player, because you've just been misusing your genitals this whole time anyway. Alternately, if new sheets get you off, then maybe you could try new wallpaper or a new texture of toilet paper, because you get off so easily that you probably don't even need a partner.

#2. Don't Oversex a Booty Call

Jupiterimages/ Images

The article this tip comes from was written by Ricardus Domino. I like to think he has a number of stories about being pulled over by lady cops and having to "work off" a ticket, and maybe one or two about the time Scarlett Johansson's car broke down outside his house so he had to sex her until AAA showed up. And AAA was a sexy Russian spy whom he also sexed, and then sent to prison. And he visited her in prison and sexed her and the busty warden, Areola Du Bosomlube.

Ricardus has all kinds of tips for making a woman experience intense pleasure, such as stimulating her G spot, her deep spot, and her R spot. Are you familiar with those last two? Of course you're not, because that shit's straight gibberish. Well, in fairness, the "deep spot," or anterior fornix erogenous zone, is a real place way the hell up in there that can be pretty pleasurable for a lady. That R spot thing is just made up shit, though, so let that set the tone for the rest of this piece of awesomeness.

After nearly 2,500 words devoted to telling you to stimulate the G spot from both inside and outside, and how biting her entire lower jaw will turn her on, he then gives you a warning. So important is this warning that he prefaces it in boldface type -- you must never use these tips on a woman you are not serious about. Do you want to know why? "You can REALLY create a powerful sexual addiction in women if you do, and you don't want women you're seeing only casually to get too attached to you."

So you see, it's for the benefit of you and, yes, womankind that you not use all of Ricardus' incredible tips on a lady you're not committed to, because you're going to ruin her fragile psyche if you do. Your sexings are going to be so good that the very idea of her not permanently owning you after that will probably make her shit applesauce and adopt like 70 cats.

Bite those jaws responsibly, kids -- you don't want to be breaking too many hearts out there.

#1. Pray

Creatas/Creatas/Getty Images

This tip is one of the rare ones offered up for ladies that isn't one of those mind-blowingly preposterous Cosmo tips everyone enjoys making fun of that seem to have been written by human-hating robots.

Straight out of Mom Life Today, the sexiest website I can think of offhand, comes 10 tips to make you a better lover by sundown! Depending on what time of day you access the site, this list could be an intense whirlwind. The first nine tips include things like "flirt" and "tell your husband you're horny," which I guess make sense and can help get everyone on the same page -- pretty standard stuff. And then right down there at No. 10 comes the saddest Hail Mary play of sexuality you'll ever see on a list of hump-making tips -- prayer.

Tip 10 suggests that, supposing the entire list up to this point hasn't worked for you, including the tip to brush your teeth, you may want to consider directing your attention to the Almighty. Ask God to tell you how to become a better lover. Ask God.

If divinity is your last hope for special boner fun, then please give God a break and just nap. Did you know that people pray to God when they're dying in hospitals? When they're starving and diseased and bleeding and alone and desperate? They're trying to grasp at what they feel is a supreme force of creation, a thing so powerful that through its own will it came to be, the only conceivable force in all of time and space that could make itself exist, and from that single act gave birth to the vastness of all time and all things. And then you come along, with your freshly brushed teeth, your damp and half-shaved crotch, your willingness to not rape anyone (or at least apologize for it afterward if you do), your new sheets, and your knowledge of some shit called the R spot, and you say, "Lord, if you have a moment amid the infinite number of tasks that necessarily must be flowing from the very essence of your being at all times, and if your intellect is even something that would register the meaningless needs of a human being on one of the innumerable planets making up the entire universe, do you think you could maybe make it so that anal feels better than getting a free sundae and maybe actually ends in the production of said free sundae? In your name, amen."

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Felix Clay

  • Rss

More by Felix Clay:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!