The 6 Worst Pieces of Sex Advice on the Internet

Jupiterimages/Polka Dot/Getty Images

Like me, you've probably seen sex on screen in a movie from behind the room divider Mom thought didn't have any cracks in it. Heh heh, Mom. So naive. Being the sexual expert you therefore are, you never need to Google tips on how to be a better lover, but know this! There are numerous websites out there with articles dedicated to making your groin into a combination circus/amusement park/Taco Bell. Is it possible that a hastily made article of numbered points could ever be educational? Who even writes like that? The answer, of course, is I don't know. This article is more concerned with tips from sites that seem like maybe they were written by people who have never seen good sex through a room divider crack and are therefore unequipped to even hope to tell you how to be a better lover at all.

#6. Eliminate Your Filth

Jupiterimages/Pixland/Getty Images

What does wanting to be a better lover mean? It means you sense a lack of something when it comes to the way you slide your groove tuber into the cubby hole and that maybe you could be doing better. Maybe your partner continues to fall asleep about four minutes into the action, or sometimes instead of crying "Oh, baby!" they just cry. So when you go in search of tips on how to better yourself in the arena of lovemaking (that's what I call my pants, incidentally. The Arena. Sometimes Thunderdome, depending on how much I've been drinking), you want solid advice on new ways to produce pleasure or engage a lover. And so that was my segue into this quote: "If at all possible, have a shower or at least give your undercarriage a quick rinse before you slip between the sheets."

At least. At least give your undercarriage a quick rinse. Baby, I'm about to rock your world as soon as I take this lemon-scented wet nap from KFC and swirl it around my somewhat pungent cockhole. Strap yourself in for a wild ride, sugar tits, because once I use this Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to get rid of the Oreo stains on my nutsack, we're going to Pleasuretown.

Under no circumstances is rinsing your junk a tip to becoming a better lover. It's a tip for becoming a better hobo. If the best you can muster is rinsing your taint, you will not be the best lover the person you're about to befoul has ever had; you're going to be the most notable mistake they made this week. And if your lovemaking skills are so inept that you were enlightened by the tip that you should rinse the stank off your crotch, then it's likely you've never "made love" so much as you've "handed $50 to someone who keeps strips of medical tape on hand to allow at least one orifice to permanently be spread open for easy entry and rutted against their easily accessible if somewhat less than comforting crevasse for five minutes of shameful busy work."

#5. Be a Friendly Rapist

Medioimages/Photodisc/Valueline/Getty Images

This tip comes to us from the Polyman, who is neither a bird nor a superhero, but who does look suspiciously like a bohemian version of Canadian actor Keram Malicki-Sanchez. Is the Polyman a guy who has many wives? That may be his goal, but he also seems to believe he's a renaissance man who's spent his life bettering himself, and he has tips for bettering you also. Yay!

ThePolyman & Jeff Kravitz, FilmMagic, Inc.

Canadian superstar or guy who recommends avoiding rape if at all possible?

While he starts off with a tiny bit of a Mystery vibe, he also seems like a more grounded, decent version of a pick-up artist, until you read through his tips on being a better lover and get to No. 5, "lead and be dominant." Ready for this, ladies? It's a good one.

As a man, it's your job to lead in the bedroom. He says that explicitly, and you know what? That's OK. Maybe it's not your job (you probably have to fill out TPS reports or stock shelves for a living), but you can also have a proactive sexual role -- lots of women like that.

He goes out of his way to insist that you never do anything against your partner's will, you never force yourself on her ... but then "Do what you want to her and have your way with her without asking for permission (if you do cross a line, genuinely apologize, stop, and change course)." So don't commit a sexual assault until you do, and if she's not cool with it once you do it, apologize and maybe give her a foot rub or something.

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that you're not a better lover if you sexually traumatize your partner in such a way that requires an apology and a complete change of direction that comes as a result of you doing what you want without asking permission. If you do this, if you just start slapping your partner's face with your genitals, or peeing on them while laughing and live streaming it, or filling their bottom with nickels, you're not some kind of enlightened lover, you're just horrible. You're a horrible asshole.

#4. Be a Furry Monster (But Don't)

Jupiterimages/ Images

If you took the time to read the Ask Men article I linked earlier, it includes the tip that you need to keep your goodies well shorn, like a mighty humptopiary, free from the perils of pubes. I think I wrote about pube shaving in a recent article, but never mind that now, because this new article warns you to never shave your balls!

Nearly every site that offers basic tips on making yourself into Humpules, the Greek God of Thrustacrity, insists that you go H.A.M. on your doodle with depilatories. And then this trendy young upstart seeks to confuse the sexually derptarded by throwing in the curveball that you need to "embrace your hairiness."

You can't have it both ways, awful tips for lovemaking -- either everyone's crotch needs to be as sleek as a greased-up Prius or we're all disheveled briar patches of abrasive throb goblin undergrowth. How the hell is anyone supposed to get anything done if we're constantly growing and shearing our junk fuzz anyway? Make up your minds!

Also, and this can't be stressed enough, neither the act of shaving nor not shaving will in any way affect your ability to actually perform the sex act unless your pubic thatch is that many-tentacled beast that attacked the fellowship outside the gates of Moria, in which case that's really weird. Get rid of that thing, your sex life will improve.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Felix Clay

  • Rss

More by Felix Clay:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!