#3. The Hot Friend
Sometimes you get followed on Twitter or friended on Facebook by people you don't know. (And if you whore your links out online, it happens a lot more.) Who is this new person in your life? Well, if their profile pic is two people, you just don't know. 50-50 chance of guessing, right?
David Woolley/Photodisc/Getty Images
"Pssst. For the purposes of this photo we'll pretend one of us is much hotter, because it's apparently impossible to find a picture of two women in the Getty photo library who are not equally attractive. Pretend there are many open sores on my face behind my whispering hand."
Actually, no. This is simple. Which person owns the profile? The ugly one. Of course, it's the ugly one. It's always the ugly one. They're either hoping that some of the hotness travels to them by osmosis or even that you mistake them for the hot one. It's like a half-hearted, muted "Catfish" move. How do we know the hot one didn't post? Because she just wouldn't want to risk being mistaken for fatty.
Take-Away Message: I have a hot friend.
#2. The No-Show
Ah, the most perplexing of online personalities. Who is this person? What do they look like? What are they about? You just don't know. Your only clues are the picture they choose to show you which will often be from a sci-fi or fantasy world, such as Doctor Who.
The mere ability to post a Doctor Who pic, however, does not mean they have the abilities of a Time Lord, only that they like a great show.
It's hard to get a read on the person with a no-show profile pic, but here's a helpful, if somewhat limited, guide:
George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Dick Luria/Photodisc/Getty Images
Ugly serial killer
Ugly person with a scat fetish
Take-Away Message: Well, the instant assumption is that this is either an unsightly person or at the very least a person who believes they are unsightly, which is a bit more depressing. It is important to note that the person could be some high-ranking military official or celebrity preserving their anonymity, but I don't have anything funny to say about that.
#1. The 'Amram'
Unless, you suffer the same mental illness that I do, right now you're thinking "what is an Amram?" Well, according to my deficient mind, an "Amram" is a deliberately ugly profile pic. Y'know, making a funny, unattractive face. That's probably because I follow the delightful Megan Amram on Twitter whose pic looks like this:
Now, a normal person would have said, "Oh, look, this person named Megan Amram is making a silly face." But I just assumed Amram was hip Internet lingo. (She's in L.A. and has many more followers than I, so I just assumed I was out of the loop.) It didn't help that a friend of mine also used the term "Amram" in conversation -- because apparently mental illness is contagious.
Anyway, what can we say about people who make deliberately ugly faces in profile pics? Shockingly nothing. Beautiful people make ugly faces because they can get away with it. Ugly people make ugly faces because then they look ugly just like an attractive person making an ugly face. Also, people who are neither ugly nor beautiful also make ugly faces sometimes to be funny and sometimes because they feel they're not beautiful enough and haven't mastered the three-fourths turn addressed earlier.
Take-Away Message: I don't really have one. But I think it would be great if we all started calling deliberately ugly photos "Amrams," because then I wouldn't be alone in my stupidity. And if the Internet is good for one thing, it is sharing and spreading ignorance.
Watch the new HATE BY NUMBERS, where Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas recruits Britney Spears to make even worse music.