The 6 Types of Profile Pics and What They Mean

They say eyes are the windows to the soul, but I think that's just a scam from the ocular insulation people trying to get us to winterize. Or maybe it just means you can tell a lot about people from their eyes. I'm not sure, but I do know a person's social media profile pics can be even more revealing. Whether it's Twitter or Facebook or something else, that is the face we choose to show the world, and the choice of photo is just as important as the picture itself. Here are six types of profile pics and what they tell you about a person.

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The old MySpace downward angle/slimming perspective/cleavage showcase trick shot is not on this list. Old news. Also, get off MySpace, pedo.

#6. The Extreme Close-up

On Twitter you see a lot of people (mostly women) who are choosing not to show you their whole face. Instead, you'll get one big, beautiful eyeball with some artistically-applied mascara. Or perhaps a close-up of red, pouty lips. Whatever one characteristic they feel most confident about.

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Nice, right? Get to know me and I promise to cut an eye-hole in the burlap sack I normally wear on my head.

Personally, I find that incredibly depressing. I mean, these are women who've chosen a social media site that only lets them reveal 140 characters of their soul, and they can't even show you everything on the outside? It's just a bad idea for attracting men. It's kind of like guys trying to impress women with cock pics that are just close-ups of their pee-hole.

"Hmm, that is one promising urethra. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound, I guess."

It's harder for guys to get away with this, with the possible exception of close-ups of beards, and even that has limited appeal -- specifically to ladies who get a special feeling from stabby follicles, but in a good way. Also, nine out of 10 of guys posting close-up beard pics are covering fatness or compensating for baldness.

Take-away Message: This is as good as I get. Everything else I can show you will be a bitter disappointment.

#5. Sexy Shoes

Know what's more depressing than reducing yourself to an eyeball? Doing the exact same thing with shoes. Seriously, there are people going around with sexy shoes as their profile pics.

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"Am I hot? Well, check out these stilettos and you tell me."

Ryan McVay/Digital Vision/Getty Images
"Fuckable? Look at these boots!"

Although surprising, there is actually no correlation between how sexy a person is and the kind of footwear they are capable of purchasing and photographing. But for those women who are posting nothing but their studded spiked heels, here's a little pro-tip: There is something else of yours you can post that will make certain men forget any and all of your flaws, solely for the privilege of slipping inside it. And it's not shoes. In fact, if you meet a guy who wants to spend more time with you because of your choices in ladies footwear, he's probably the last guy who's going to sleep with you.

Take-Away Message: True, these shoes are the sexiest thing about me, but I'll probably do certain things other women won't.

#4. The 3/4 Turn

Of all the miserable, insufferable dbags on social media, the three-quarter turn guy has to be the most annoying. What's he doing? He's showing you his good side, of course. What else? Well, he's probably also taking away part of his massive noggin with angles, because seeing him straight-on would just be too much damn face going on.

The worst person ever?

Take-Away Message: This is a person who not only has a good side and a bad side, but who has spent so much time looking in the mirror he knows which is which. In fact, it's probably not even a photo but a still from his video series that he obtained by clicking through each frame of a video until he found the precise moment when he was at his least unsightly. Avoid at all costs.

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