#3. Westwood College Online
In a flailing, confusing effort to make you into a game designer, Westwood College Online's commercial makes soup out of the English language.
It looks like this woman was hired more for her nagging ability than her knowledge of the industry. "Come on, graphics makers! There is a whole megabyte of Mario Bros. high scoring back here! I'm Burgertime!"
Never have 15 words said so much nothing. Even if games still had numbered levels and graphics were tightened up by testers this wouldn't qualify as communication. This is more like a cute way to announce that you're having a stroke. I'm really curious how his boss is going to respond to this ...
Ha ha ha, you sarcastic bitch.
Th- that kind of came out of nowhere, Oedipus. Whoever wrote that line did so from a diaper while a stripper asked him to stop calling her mom. And it was delivered with such genuine anger that I think the actor actually expected his mother's urn to squeal in pain.
#2. Mindfire Academy Video Game Design Bootcamp
This second ad from Mindfire Academy features career advice from a preteen cyber bully, America's most beloved genre of person. Spoiler alert: They still haven't figured out how to turn on their Xbox controllers.
Is this word salad supposed to mean something, kid? I get that you're trying to talk about games, but l'm going to tell you the same thing your mom's gynecologist told her: "Ma'am, it seems you have all the components of a human vagina, but the way they're arranged here doesn't make any sense."
Oh, what a pleasant surprise. Normally the horrible children on Xbox Live only offer me a job as a dick eater or an n-word.
This little bastard is so unlikeable that I'm starting to understand why someone would want to tamper with children's aspirin.
#1. Collins College School of Design and Technology
Collins College has the same approach to education as Nigerian Princes have to economics. They're the kind of comically inept grifters that make dishonesty fun. This amazing disaster they produced is so embarrassing that they now fight to keep their own commercial off YouTube.
There's really no reference point to our reality in this clip. Obviously, games aren't designed with Xbox controllers, and cut scenes aren't animated by way of vague verbal commands. Those things you can chalk up to ignorance, artistic license or any number of birth defects. No, the truly incredible thing is that a copy writer sat down and imagined what all the artists and programmers and testers must do to create these complicated products, and the most notable thought they had was, "Gosh, I bet there's a whole team of people who have to decide which direction the robots go!" If you asked a million different people from a million different universes to say anything they wanted about video games, this would still be by far the most uniquely stupid thing anyone has ever had to say on the subject.
I feel bad making fun of this because right now there's a doctor watching this commercial and thinking, "Ha ha, I really screwed those two abortions up."
The only thing I can't believe is that anyone managed to sue these for-profit colleges. If I was a lawyer, I'd present this commercial as evidence that anyone who enrolled in Collins College deserves all the pain and suffering the world has available.
For more of him on Cracked, see Seanbaby's Brockway's Choose Your Own Drug-Fueled Misadventure and The 10 Worst MMA Fights of All Time.