#3. "I Dare You to Stick Your Junk in the Fan," Said Chad Kroeger of Nickelback
Any dare involving Nickelback is inherently tragic, as one would immediately assume that the dare would involve listening to Nickelback's music in some fashion. However, the band's frontman, Chad Kroeger, is apparently quite the charming, rascally prankster, as attested to by no less valid a source than Kroeger himself in an interview about how charming and rascally he is. Kroeger describes his delightfully mischievous nature in one of the most hilariously contradictory sentences ever published: "We've always been very close to our crew, so we've had a lot of fun getting them to do silly, stupid things that could possibly cause them to hurt or injure themselves in some way." This is the same way a sociopath describes his relationship with the people chained beneath plastic tarps in his rumpus room.
"My tour rider requires 'Goodbye Horses' to be played on a loop in my dressing room."
While backstage at a show in Germany, Kroeger and the Nickelbacks found themselves seized by relentless boredom (see "Bavaria," above). Prankmeister Kroeger sprang into action, describing his disarmingly cheeky solution in his own words: "... there was an old fan with a metal blade. And we paid the drum tech about 600 deutsche marks [to] stick his Johnson in the fan."
"It was that or 10,000 deutsche marks to listen to our whole album."
This roadie was apparently so underpaid that 600 deutsche marks seemed reasonable, accepting the dare without ceremony, to Kroeger's endlessly self-satisfied amusement: "I can still hear the 'bleh-bleh-blehhhhhhh' of the blade slowly spluttering to a stop... It was fantastic." Unfortunately, nobody had taken the time to explain to Kroeger that this is a dare routinely issued by drunken fifth-year college seniors, and as such is perhaps the lamest rock star story in the history of music journalism.
#2. "I Dare You to Electrocute Your Nipples"
Kyle DuBois, an 18-year-old high school student, had just finished an assignment in his electrical trades class (which we weren't aware was a thing until just now) and went to the back of the room with a few of his friends to play around with some of the electrical equipment. Seeing as how "Don't Fuck Around With Electricity" is presumably Chapter One in every electrical engineering textbook ever printed, this suggests that Kyle perhaps wasn't the best student, or that his instructor had catastrophically failed to interpret the material. Either way, after a few minutes of shocking themselves with some loose wires and various other things that have no business being left unsupervised in a classroom, a couple of Kyle's friends dared him to attach some alligator clamps to his nipples in exchange for a Mountain Dew.
It was destiny.
As anyone who was ever in high school knows, peer pressure can be a powerful thing, especially when you're locked in a steely-eyed chess match of one-upsmanship. Kyle, lured by the tantalizing prize of a can of Mountain Dew (which incidentally is a soda marketed specifically to stupid teenagers) and not wanting to seem like a "square" or a "ninnyhammer," accepted the dare and heroically sent a powerful electric current through his man-maries. The article is unclear (and indeed we cannot even begin to suggest) what the hell his teacher was doing at this time.
"Can you believe that these people expect us to be 'teaching' an entire classroom? Not with this hangover."
Kyle went into cardiac arrest pretty much immediately and was rushed to the hospital with respiratory failure, from which he eventually recovered. His parents filed a lawsuit against the school for allowing the incident to occur, although we're curious as to why they feel that their son, who at age 18 is legally considered an adult, would need someone to tell him that completing an electrical circuit with his chest was probably not worth a 65-cent can of Mountain Dew.
#1. "I Dare You to Set Yourself on Fire"
Florida 13-year-old Russell Gortzig and one of his friends were engaged in the age-old tradition of imitating things they see on the Internet, because as 80 percent of this article has illustrated, teenagers tend to do some dumbshit things. After watching a video on YouTube, Russell soaked himself in gasoline, at which point his friend dared him to hold up a lighter and snap it on (we're curious as to whether the gasoline was part of the dare or if "gasoline showers" were a fixture of playdates with Russell). The article does not indicate what video prompted the dare, so we will assume that it was either that clip from Ghost Rider 2 where Nicolas Cage pees fire or that clip from Face/Off where Nicolas Cage sets everyone on fire while disguised as John Travolta.
The whole situation is quite a pickle.
Russell, drawing upon every ounce of wisdom his 13 years had to offer, decided that this was the only way the afternoon could possibly continue at the level of enjoyment established by YouTube and accepted the dare set forth to him by his friend. He flicked on the lighter, and as Russell later told the news, "a combination of the spark and fumes caught his shorts on fire," which is hilarious in that it both minimizes his role in the blaze and suggests that "bursting into flames" was a result no one could have reasonably expected.
Russell was hospitalized with several burns, and his mother took YouTube to task for not thoroughly screening all 78 billion of its videos for any behavior that could possibly be imitated by paint-drinking latchkey children.
"Hmmm, she may have a point here."