Cracked Columnists

The 6 Steps of Rocking Out (When You're Over 30)

#3. Finding a Place to Rock

For those of you who've never been to Terminal 5 to see a show, it's important to know that it doesn't matter where you stand -- the sound will suck. And it did. So it was a standing-room-only show and we had to decide where to stake our claim. While I went front and center in '93 and spent the show moshing, I decided I'd have a lot more fun this time if I did the exact opposite of that. I went to the balcony, avoiding the clutter. Furthermore, the balcony had close proximity to the bar and soft pretzels. Rock!!!!


In '93, this display was filled with buttered heroin.

Anyway, no complaints. My view was awesome and I had a ledge for my beers.

Also, the mosh pit I avoided was basically just 20 guys being lame in the middle of a crowd. Not missing much. It moved so slowly, it looked more like an angry amoeba uncomfortably copping feels from surrounding folks who were just trying to watch the show.

#2. Rocking During the Rock

Soundgarden came on and killed it. Just killed it. Despite the bad Terminal 5 mix, they destroyed the place, playing songs from throughout their career while integrating the new material, which held its own against their classics. Chris Cornell, now in his 40s, hit all his paint-peeling notes and the unit was super tight.

I nodded my head, tapped on the railing, sang along when it wasn't too obnoxious to sing along. Meanwhile, one of my buddies gave up his view of the band to some girl at the show. That's like a Motley Crue move. Boo. A real Soungarden fan would never let anything -- not even a vaguely attractive 20-something with too much eyeliner -- come between him and the band.

Then they closed with the same song they opened with in 1993. One of the greatest, loudest, meanest songs ever written: "Jesus Christ Pose."

#1. After the Rock

Man, the show is just the warm-up, right? After Soundgarden raised the roof for two hours, me and the boys were ready to hit the town and purge some of those antsy demons summoned by the power of grunge. We were feeling stupid and contagious. But first it was important to urinate.

Getty
Most likely where Terminal 5 keeps its sound system.

After tapping the spoonman (to use a grunge phrase for urinating that in no way is a thing people actually say), we hit the New York City streets. "Where to?" we wondered aloud. Some wanted to hit bars in the Village. There was talk of an after-show party in Brooklyn. And one guy wanted to hit Penn Station to catch the last train before midnight. That someone was me. And showing all the defiance of the most badass grunger, that's just what I did.



Watch the new HATE BY NUMBERS, where Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas recruits Britney Spears to make even worse music. Also, be sure to follow Gladstone on Twitter and stay up-to-date on the latest regarding Notes from the Internet Apocalypse. And then there's his website and Tumblr, too.



Recommended For Your Pleasure

Gladstone

  • Rss

More by Gladstone:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

635 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!