The 6 Perviest Achievements In Gaming History

Achievements in video games feed right into my OCD tendencies like I assume they must for many people. It's sad, I know, but often they're the only reason I've purchased games that a man my age has no business playing, unless that man also owns several disheveled raincoats and likes to spend his afternoons mumbling in parks.

Sometimes these achievements reward you for simple progression, and other times they force you to engage in pointless nonsense in order to get those (equally pointless, I admit) numbers added to your Gamerscore. And then there are the times a game compels you to engage in acts of deviancy so perverse that suddenly your "hobby" isn't so much an activity you might one day play alongside your kids as it is exhibit A in an upcoming sex-offender risk-level determination. Like how ...

#6. Fable 2 Makes You Have Sex 25 Times (Or Watch Someone Else Doing It)

Microsoft Game Studios

The second installment of Peter Molyneux's Fable series was an innovator in choice-driven gameplay. The many decisions you made throughout the game had tangible consequences in terms of how you (and your stupid dog) looked and the way the story progressed. However, to get the "Paramour" achievement, you only needed to make one choice. A repetitive but sexy choice: to engage in intercourse with one of the non-player characters 25 times.

XboxAchievements.com
Notice how it doesn't specify which species the other participant has to be.

OK, that sounds a little exhausting and potentially problematic should the real-life spouse walk in while you're in the middle of chasing this particular crotch-dragon. Especially since the achievement counts only when you're doing it with someone whom you've convinced to "love" you -- meaning you're having constant, pixelated coitus with an in-game spouse. But you might be able to talk your way out of the situation by explaining that at least you're not hiring any of the game's plentiful, often exceedingly homely prostitutes.

Microsoft Game Studios
"You're imagining her while we're making love, you bastard?"
"Well, um ... yeah, sure."

Things get a little shady when you figure out that you can go full Mormon and propose to just about any NPC you happen across, and if you have the inclination you can start up different families in every town dotting the game's open world. Making that scenario happen takes about as much work as you'd expect, and if you don't keep any of your spouses' "happiness ratings" up to acceptable levels, they may start regretting their decision and ask for a divorce faster than Tom Cruise's next church-approved wife.

They also may even start cheating on you, but did you happen to read the whole description of requirements for the "Paramour" achievement? Yes, you could always try to save the marriage and spice up your love life by having a friend watch while you play "where'd that pesky pickle go?" with your beloved. Alternately, you could kill two birds with one bone (I'm not apologizing for that joke) and work on "The Swinger" achievement simultaneously, by dragging them both along to an orgy with those aforementioned prostitutes.

Microsoft Game Studios
Who ever said Feudalism wasn't a party?

#5. Asura's Wrath Has An Award For Ogling Boobs

Capcom

Asura's Wrath told the story of a demigod not named Kratos who goes around revenge-slaughtering other demigods. The game is notable for its over-the-top style and is actually more like interactive anime than an actual game. And like most fans of anime, the main character is absolutely flabbergasted when in the presence of female breasts.

Capcom
Nice, but could use more tentacle.

Like with many of the achievements here, you're not required to do much in order to get the "View Of The Valley" achievement, other than be willing to debase yourself via a few simple button presses. Or, as they put it, "give in to your male instincts." Incidentally, in my case, that meant laughing at my own farts and then taking a nap.

XboxAchievements.com
So I'm supposed to stop playing for a few minutes and throw out my wife's Downton Abbey DVDs?

The game moves along episodically, and once you reach Chapter 10, you find yourself in a hot tub situation with your aged but ripple-chested, disconcertingly nude master. After briefly berating you, his equally pantsless student, the old master calls over two "handmaidens" to serve you both some sake. After a brief demonstration of freakishly unrealistic jiggle physics technology, one of the scantily clad women serves you as the camera lingers and pans over her ample but seemingly polyurethane-based endowments, and you react to the realization of the presence of honest-to-gosh tits with an audible "boing!"


Very exciting indeed, if you're the type of guy who's common-law married
to a headless mannequin in the basement.

To get the achievement, all you have to do is focus the camera angle in for a close-up on those oddly swaying jubblies, and boing! The 15 points are yours. But it doesn't end there. Next you can perform a series of actions to fill up your "Burst Gauge," and once you're good and worked up you'll enter a cutscene where you close in with your filthy mitts for an unwarranted grope and receive a brutal punch in the schnoz for your troubles.

So there's no actual intercourse or anything, just a few juvenile minigames about titties and an attempted sexual assault. But imagine how frustrating this must be for your average 13-year-old, most of whom froth over with hormones at the slightest chance to just get a peripheral glance at some side-boobage. If people really want to show a link between teenage violence and video games they can probably start making their case right fucking here.

Capcom
Buying your son a subscription to Swank might sound crazy,
but it may potentially save countless lives.

#4. Duke Nukem 3D Has You Tip A Poorly Rendered Stripper

GT Interactive Software

The Duke Nukem franchise's entire shtick is based on an attempt at politically incorrect cleverness that comes off more like a 9-year-old reading the joke section from Hustler out loud to a group of ex-cons. So it may not come as a shock that one of the achievements in Duke Nukem 3D requires that you stuff a wadded-up banknote in the g-string of a stripper.

XboxAchievements.com
Confusing teenagers everywhere into thinking that giving strippers money
results in any kind of satisfaction.

It's not really as scandalous as it sounds, since the shoddy graphics could only render the female form and accompanying pasties in a way that was just slightly less crude than the dialogue.

GT Interactive Software
"Hey little lady, it looks like you're in fuck! Get it? Fuck rhymes with luck!"

But it's just so ... ugh. The "Shake It Baby" achievement reaches a level of brute crassness that only an actual spokesman for the Summer's Eve product line could accurately describe in terms of douche-chill severity. One can only wonder how many takes it took voice actor Jon St. John to completely nail those masterworks of cringeworthiness, and what exact corner of the Alaskan wilderness he may have fled to in order to reevaluate his life.

Oh, by the way, after handing the strippers your cash you also have the option of blowing them to smithereens.

GT Interactive Software
Luckily, the right to sociopathically murder virtual exotic dancers is protected
under the third chapter of the Unabomber Manifesto.

And even after 15 years of development, during which the original developers surely died of exposure combined with industrial paint fume inhalation, things somehow got even worse. The latest, ill-fated entry in the series, Duke Nukem Forever, which you may remember as that game you didn't buy even before reading the reviews, featured "edgy" knee-slappers about rape and abortion. And then, just to ramp up the shittiness to "crime against humanity" levels, they encourage you to retrieve an actual shit out of a toilet for an achievement called "Turd Burglar."

GT Interactive Software
Even a boost from the German market couldn't keep sales figures out of the red.

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E. Reid Ross

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