The 6 Most WTF Protesters Ever Photographed
#3. The Slapshot Rioter
Canada is like the second roommate everybody has. Your first roommate was a horror: He threw whiskey bottles at the cat and held a rave in the bathroom during Thanksgiving Dinner. You were so shell-shocked from that whole experience that anybody with sideburns starts seeming like an unquantifiable risk. So when you were looking for your next roomie, you opted for the boring guy: He's friendly, polite, courteous and an all around great person. You know what? That's not fair: He's not really "boring," so much as he is "lacking in drama." This guy rules. Chris, buddy, you rule.
And then the hockey game comes on, and suddenly you've got a fucking werewolf in your living room.
That's Canada. And this is hockey.
When the Vancouver Canucks lost 4-0 to Boston in the Stanley Cup Final, the entire city went Lycanthrope. If Dr. Jekyll is Universal Healthcare and clean cities, then this here is Canada's Mr. Hyde. He'd shake your hand, but he's a little busy right now carefully lining up to slapshot a smoking tear-gas canister into a net comprised entirely of suited-and-booted riot cops.
If there's anybody out there who's ever displayed a more callous disregard for fucks and the ability to give them, well, he didn't make it to the riot that day. Probably because he was too busy being South Korean.
#2. Lil' Horsey Rioter
Mark Duggan was shot dead by police on August 4, 2011, and half of England burned for it.
...
The other half got pony rides!
During the 2011 English Riots, there were many reports of looters stealing high-end cosmetics, designer handbags, electronics and jewelry. There were no reports at all of stolen rocking horseys ... but only because this man apparently burned everything in his wake while escaping. After all, it's kind of hard to file a report when you're a smoking corpse.
Special Bonus from the other side of this conflict:
Protesters don't have a lock on "looking badass in the midst of chaos." Here's the police force's polite rebuttal to all your precious Chaos and Anarchy.
"What's that you say? Smoke? Sir, I'll be with you in a moment. I'm busy pre-murdering the guy just to the left of frame with my steely gaze."
"Hey, fuck you piiiinnnNYAA*"
"Ahhh, much better. Now, you were saying, something burning? Oh, me? I'm burning? No, ha ha, no. I'm afraid I don't have time for that."
#1. Motorcycle-Riding Luchadore
This man is part of a protest on behalf of the Mexican Union of Electricity. He's upset that the union he supports was disbanded by the Mexican government under allegations of corruption, and is attending one of many protests in an attempt to draw increased public awareness to his cause.
Oh, and he's also suplexing a Harley Davidson as an entire squad of armed police charge him while emptying their bean-bag cannons into his back.
That does bear some mention, I suppose, but back to the intricacies of the politics of Mexican unions. See, the Federal Electric Commission was all set to-
What's that? He's still doing it? He's never, ever going to stop doing donuts in the midst of a furious police charge while dressed in full Luchadore garb, complete with flowing cape and bitchin' electric fist shield? He's going to be doing that forever? Well that's understandable. How can he not? He's just discovered the best possible thing for a person to do. What choice does he have, but to keep doing it until the eventual heat death of the universe?
Everybody involved in this tableau of psychotic, unreasonable badassery has to know that there will never be a more awesome moment in their lives. Seriously, just look at the charging cop in the upper left:
That kind of pure, unrestrained glee has only previously been seen on the faces of starry-eyed children as they first push through the turnstiles at Disneyland. And now here it is, plastered firmly on the face of a fully grown man, who is also a member of the police force specifically tasked with stopping this moment from happening. But he's not going to; you know he's not going to stop it. If he ever does reach The Rioting Motorcycle Luchadore (dibs on the name for my firstborn), there's no way in hell that he's going to tackle and detain the bastard. He's either going to ask for his autograph or clasp his hands together and, with heartfelt earnestness glimmering in his wet eyes, whisper, "Take me with you."
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter, Facebook and Google+. Or you can join him for his annual re-enactment of the Rioting Luchadore. You bring the motorcycle and the Luchadore gear; Robert will bring the riot police.
Check out more from Robert in The U.S. Army's Weed Weapon: A Paranoid But True Conspiracy and How a Biotech Company Almost Killed The World (With Booze).
Holy s**t, I love you man, I really do. Seriously. Funniest thing I've read in a while. :D
ReplyI truly believed that Juggalos where the stupidest, most pathetic incarnation of clowns ever to exist. Then I read about the Clandestine Insurgent Rebel Clown Army. They look just as stupid, plus they're pretentious, self-important attention whores. They are assclowns in every sense of the word.
Replyi wonder if canadians have some sort of genetic mutation that makes them care about hockey to an irrational degree. like, i don't care about sports at all (i'll watch football, but only because it's hilariously gay) but even i feel the urge to drink (our delicious) beer and yell at the tv during the stanley cup. especially if the leafs or the habs are in it. man, f**k the leafs.
ReplyMost people watch football because they like it, not because of latent homosexual tendencies.
exactly. they like watching large, sweaty men in tight pants reach between each other's legs, pat each other on the ass, and end up in large, sweaty man-piles.
Where's that indian guy with the bread strapped to his head?
ReplyAs a British Colombian (the province Vancouver is in) I'd like to point out that the Vancouver riots had nothing to do with the hockey game. Sure, they were triggered by the hockey game, but only in the same way the London riots were. It didn't matter if the Canucks won or lost. Everyone knew the riot was going to happen. We were talking about it weeks beforehand. The riot was a bunch of college kids acting out as an excuse to burn stuff.
ReplyWhich is why I hate humanity. "I want to be a dumbass, as soon as this game is over lets go burn shit!" -_- People like that should be shot so they can't breed their stupid any more.
If a Canadian team wins the Stanley Cup, half of Canada burns. Same goes if they lose.
if you look closely, that cop is also Michael Keaton as Batman.
ReplyI think this article may have made my day. Well done Cracked, well done.
Reply"You know what? f**k pants."
ReplyAnd he's right. Goddammit, he's right.
Thank you, Cracked. Thank you SO much!
The London Riots were not about injustice - they were triggered by the shooting of a known drug dealer who had previous convictions for violent conduct and firearm possession. Most of the rioting was born out of sheer mob mentality, and the vast majority of those who have been arrested for it have either been unable to explain why they looted shops or flat-out admitted that it was just for the buzz. There was no sense of injustice whatsoever, unlike the Toxteth riots. Between this and your disgusting character assassination of Pim Fortyun a few months ago, I have come to the conclusion that you don't know the first thing about social cohesion and in most cases don't even bother to research what you're writing about, lest it contradict your pre-set opinions.
ReplyThe picture in number 1 is just silly.
ReplyPlease tell me that's just red paint in #5. PLEASE TELL ME THAT'S JUST RED PAINT!!!
ReplyIt is red paint. Its main purpose is to force the police to remove their paint covered gas masks so they can see, and hence force them to inhale their own riot gas.
Thank you. I actually do feel better.
I think if the giddy officer in #1 would actually be sucked into the Event Horizon of Badassery if he got too much closer to that Luchadore.
ReplyAnybody else get the vibe that Lil' Horsey Rioter should be shouting something like, "I ASKED FOR FOUR STONES! NOT ONE, NOT TWO, NOT THREE, BUT FOUR!"
ReplyThere's a ZF1 under that horse.
Rioting Motorcycle Luchador is the name of my prog band's first album.
ReplyThat last line killed me, KILLED ME!
Replymade me think of the luchador that wanted brock samson to take him with him.crazy coincidence
Oh, come on, the clowns are not that bad. After the way you described it, I was expecting a veritable ARMY of clowns. There can't have been more than a dozen or so, and their running en-masse was more funny and pathetic than the stuff of nightmares. Especially the half-hearted cheering of "Yippee!" after they finished, followed by them awkwardly TURNING AROUND and going to try it again. Yeah, really terrifying, that.
ReplyThis is a horrible Cracked article. That photo purporting to be from the Vancouver riots obviously cannot be so, as those riots took place AFTER the game seven of those playoffs, occurring entirely AT NIGHT!
ReplyMoreover, could claim #2 be more unsubstantiated?!
what a bad article Mr. Robert Brockway
No Kyrgyz protester with LAW and riot shield (Bishkek 2010)? How could it be?! :)
ReplyAlready was in an article linked in this very article which is about WTF protesters and not awesome protesters as was the link linked in this article.
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I don't want anything to do with horny NSA agents.
Something so great about clickin neck page, lookin' at the pic with the hockey stick dude and the t-gas and thinking "..hockey stick...bet it's canada" *scrolls and reads first word* "Booyah!"
Reply