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The 6 Most WTF Medical Procedures That Inexplicably Exist

#3. Fecal Transplant

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Every comically awkward surgery wishes it could be as hilariously awkward as this surgery. Penis enlargement, hemorrhoid removal, labia reduction? They have no game to bring. A fecal transplant wins the crown for being the weirdest, most awkward surgery of all time. It's taking shit from one ass and putting it, medically, into another ass. This sort of thing is considered entertainment according to certain German videos I have seen. But now doctors do it and it can save your life. Or at least improve the quality of your life, which is a completely new level of hilarious. You could right now be living a poor-quality life because the shit in your ass is just not good enough. And then you could have your shit replaced with better shit, and end up feeling better. Because of shit. You're aware of what we do with shit, right? You shit it. In the shitter.

The reason the procedure exists is because of Clostridium difficile, a literal pain in the ass bacterium that kills thousands of people. Antibiotics that kill it also kill off healthy bacteria in your intestines and leave you open to getting reinfected with the bad stuff. A fecal transplant, however, gives you an assload of healthy poop, including healthy bacteria, to help you overcome the infection, and its success rate is much higher than the antibiotics.

How do you get an assful of someone else's crap? Glad you asked. They can use a colonoscope or just give it to you with an enema. Or, if you like to live on the wild side, a tube right down your nose. I have found no evidence of any kind of ass-to-ass transfer, nor any mention of how you harvest the donor sample or if there are rules for how to determine what constitutes a good shit for a transplant. If I were a decent man, I'd end the entry here, but I'm seriously curious about the nature of shit selection in this case. Does the donor need to be on a specific diet for several days in advance? Of course I'm skirting around the issue of corn here. You know what I'm talking about. Is a certain consistency necessary? Who decides this? The mind boggles.

#2. Triple-DNA Babies

guardian.co.uk

Most babies have two parents, with the exception of some trailer park babies that seem to be born via poor choices physically manifesting themselves as a dirty child in jean shorts who holds eye contact for too long and only eats macaroni and cheese. Researchers in the U.K., however, have created a technique to toss a third party into the mix, effectively making your baby the living embodiment of all the hilarity of Steve Guttenberg's classic film 3 Men and a Baby.

A small percentage of women have faulty mitochondria. You may remember mitochondria from their brief appearance in the Star Wars prequels when they were called Midi-chlorians and esteemed actor Liam Neeson was forced to spout some pseudo-scientific philosophical bullshit about how it had something to do with the Force in a way that made all of us sadder and stupider. In real life, mitochondria are the energy source for all our cells, and because science is fun, they don't share our DNA. They're like a parasite from way back when. But because faulty mitochondria can lead to some genetic disorders, and because it's not really our DNA anyway, you can use the mitochondria from a third person when making a baby via in vitro fertilization. Apparently. So there's mom's egg, dad's sperm, and Octomom's mitochondria in an embryo stripped of all its other genetic material. Or whomever.

Toby Canham/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

"Part of me will be in you. It'll be the part that fucks everything up."

Realistically, there's probably not a lot wrong with this procedure, and the mitochondrial DNA is all but insignificant to the way the child forms and its parentage. It's unlikely the resulting baby will have three different colored eyes or live between the rows of a corn field trying to kill people who run afoul of its small town, but most journalists ignored that when they first reported on the procedure, instead enamored of the idea of freak babies, because freak babies sell papers. Or they would, if anyone still bought the paper.

While the science doesn't support the creation of super mutant babies, it does support the creation of hilarious jokes about having a mother, a father, and whatever you want to call the donor party. I'd vote for mather. It can be your super cool parent who, when Mom and Dad let you down, gives you cool presents and money and lets you drink wine on holidays when no one is looking because you're barely related so who gives a shit if you grow up to be a train wreck? Good ol' mather.

#1. The G Shot

Marili Forastieri/Photodisc/Getty Images

You can tell a medical procedure is awesome when the doctor responsible for it makes up a punny name for it, and then gives it its own website. Does thoracic surgery have a website? Fuck no it doesn't, it doesn't even have a Tumblr. Breast enlargement seems to have several websites, if my research is any indication, but by and large, most procedures have nothing.

The G Shot is a procedure meant to temporarily increase the function of a woman's G spot. It increases the size and sensitivity of the spot with the use of hyaluronan, a man-made polysaccharide that is kind of like collagen that they toss in all kinds of skin care products. Basically they inject this stuff into the G spot and then bam -- bigger, more sensitive G spot. Time to enjoy more awesome sexings.

The issue with the G Shot is that no medical body approves or even recommends having it done. It's never been demonstrated to be safe or effective, it's not necessary, since it's only for people who already have normal sexual function anyway, and it runs the risk of causing damage by doing the exact opposite of what it's supposed to do, as well as causing pain during sex, scarring, infections, and more. It's the equivalent of a man having collagen injected into his wang to make it meatier without any idea if it'll still allow for boners.

That said, the doctor who created the procedure, whose name is Dr. Matlock, assures us on the G Shot website that 87 percent of women report awesome results, and it seems unlikely to me that a guy named Dr. Matlock who invented a way of fattening G spots would lie about a thing like that on a site called TheGShot.com.

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Felix Clay

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