#3. Paris Hilton's Right Shoulder Is Way Too Heavy for Such a Tiny Woman
OK, this girl needs to get surgery on her hideously massive right shoulder, and she needs to do it yesteryear. I mean, girl can't even hold that shit up without her hip helping out. Yo, Paris, I know you got the richest money out there, so go buy yourself the best doctor on the planet and fix your (again, hideous) arm. Because honestly, your handicap is distracting everyone.
I mean, look at that crowd of people trying really hard not to stare at that thing. Oh, and Paris, brace yourself if the word "hideous" bothers you, because that's the only correct word to use in this situation, and I'll be using it a lot. If you'd like me to stop using it, change the situation and do something about that hideously massive thing growing next to and just below your neck.
And just from a health and fitness perspective, you should take better care of yourself. That can't be good for your back. You shouldn't be bending like that, girl! Maybe they make corrective slings that can withstand the weight of your enormous right shoulder? If they do, you should get one. Or more realistically, you should get an industrial one specially made. I assume you already have a person to specially alter your clothes to fit and support that hideous whale dick you call an arm, so just get them to fashion a cute little sling, too. Or better yet, as I pointed out earlier, use your money to buy some more money and then use the more money to pay for the best plastic-surgeon-slash-traveling-freak-show-mad-scientist there is. I'm sure there's at least one. We're all rooting for you, girl!
#2. Mark Zuckerberg Bioengineered a Living Mop
#1. Taylor Swift Is Fucking Amazing at Goddamn Instagram
Seriously, holy shit, look at this stuff:
Seashells lined up in a row, shoe trees arranged like anything. This girl was born to 'gram, and I am deadly serious. I feel like Ryan Seacrest right now, I can't even fucking handle this.
I mean, just look at this stuff...
In a headband, sitting on the floor in front of a tiny piano.
All these goddamn cats.
Most of a hand next to the window of an airplane.
Some pretty flowers in a hand.
A letter written on each finger, and those fingers are on the keys of a piano. Great filter choice, too, holy shit.
COFFEE FOAM A COIN PURSE AND PART OF A HAND ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
This fucking landscape.
Another great filter choice, plus a cat, plus a bunch of nice pillows.
I'm practically speechless, this girl is so incredible at this. Paul Instagram must be cumming in his grave right now.