The 6 Most Terrifying Sex Illustrations on Wikipedia

#3. Crestfallen Facials

Seedfeeder/Wikimedia Commons

From The Wikipedia Page For: "Facial"

I really hope there is an innocent, unsullied soul out there who's actually finding these drawings of facials super-educational. Like, an 89-year-old Amish man sees this photo -- which I had to embellish with an MS Paint Lucha Libre mask -- and an old-timey candle lights up in his brain and he says out loud to nobody in particular, "ACH, I never knew you could put thart on thert!" (By the way, I call Internet dibs on a reality show called 30 Minutes of an Amish Grandfather Using the Internet. Nobody pitch that shit to TLC when I'm not paying attention.)

Seedfeeder/Wikimedia Commons

Incidentally, the Wikipedia page for "Facial" has more than one illustration of women totally not enjoying said pornographic hallmark. Again, I had to give this second woman a Luchadora mask so some of you don't get fired from your jobs. You're welcome!

#2. Remember, All of These Pictures Are in the Public Domain

Seedfeeder/Wikimedia Commons

From The Wikipedia Page For: "Snowballing"

For reasons unclear, this particular Wikipedia page boasts two adjacent images. The first is the outtake from The Aristocrats you see above ...

Seedfeeder/Wikimedia Commons

...and the second picture is exactly the same as the first, but one of the women has mysteriously transformed into someone who appears to be beloved children's troubadour Raffi. HEY, WHOEVER DREW THIS, YOU'RE A MONSTER.

#1. Oh, This is Just Gross

Seedfeeder/Wikimedia Commons

From The Wikipedia Page For: "Gokkun"

Gokkun is an onomatopoeic Japanese term for when a woman drinks a Big Gulp's worth of semen from a container. And holy hell, you do not need a picture demonstrating this. Anyone's who experienced the wonder technology that is a cup can put two and two together here. Seriously, there's zip that's educational about this picture. People go on Wikipedia to visualize stuff like fennec foxes and goblin sharks, not "how to drink a crowd-sourced smoothie."

In fact, the illustrator missed the most interesting part of this scenario: the line of harried salarymen waiting in line to donate their seed to the perverted arts. Just imagine: One guy is tapping his foot impatiently. A second man checks his watch and sighs -- he doesn't have all day for this! Yet another man shames himself (and his family) by bringing his own Nalgene (what a novice). Another dude is eating a comically oversized submarine sandwich, the mayo-smeared pickles spilling onto his blazer. Finally, there's a guy at the back of the line inexplicably wearing a Jughead crown. Nobody dares talk to him.

In conclusion, there are merits in illustrating some of the more kinesiologically WTF sexual techniques. But if you're considering drinking "the unspeakable gallon," all of your prior life experiences with non-semen beverages should allow you to freestyle your way across that Rubicon.

You can find Cyriaque Lamar on Twitter.

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