Cracked Columnists

The 6 Most Terrifying Sex Illustrations on Wikipedia

In the days before the Internet, teenagers had basically two options to learn the ins and outs of boning. They amounted to either A) scrambled cable softcore, which was like watching two swarms of bees fighting in a motel room made of non-Euclidean geometry, or B) chancing upon a drifter's cache of Juggs secreted away in the woods behind the neighborhood liquor store.

OldMags.com
After the USSR fell, the West briefly replaced Santa with Magda The Six-Bosomed Solstice Witch as a show of good faith.

Nowadays, young folks don't have to hazard a vagrant named "Clawhammer Jack" double-fisting bottles of cooking sherry to learn coital choreography. (Spoiled rotten, they are.) No, they can just turn to Wikipedia, that website known throughout the land for drowning the Encyclopedia Britannica factory in unwanted knowledge and tears.

Despite being one of the most visited sites on the Internet, Wikipedia is jam-packed with marvelously janky doodles of dead-eyed humans doing it. And most aren't hidden in the exile zones of Wikimedia Commons. No, most of these pictures accompany articles linked at the bottom of the Wikipedia page for "Sex," which happens to be one of Wikipedia's Top 10 pages.

Many of these illustrations are goddamn hilarious, as they use a sterile art style reminiscent of airline safety pamphlets. It's like everybody survived a plane crash and celebrated with an orgy. Take this picture below, which adorns a bunch of international Wiki entries for "prostitute." This guy clearly stole a first responder's car and tore ass to the nearest "abandoned warehouse" district.

Seedfeeder/Wikimedia Commons
"When I found out my seat cushion doubled as a flotation device, boy howdy, was I hard as a rock!"

I won't deny that there's educational value in knowing the exact mechanics of the ol' gamete rodeo. Given the dismal state of public library funding, a curious cardholder looking for the Kama Sutra inevitably must make due with half a dog-eared copy of Moby-Dick that smells like KOOLs. (Without these Wikipedia pages, we'd likely see a massive uptick in indecent exposure arrests on whale-watching tours.)

But I will say that -- with many of these drawings -- it's unclear where pedagogy ends and "the artist was obviously wanking the whole time" begins. Well, one guy alone drew dozens of them (link NSFW). If you're a Madison Avenue type who needs public domain bukkake clip art to advertise your client's shoehorn, now you know where to go.

Seedfeeder/Wikimedia Commons
"Thank you for fulfilling my dream of living as a bassoon for a day."

Without further ado, here's the most brain-melting Wikipedia art of people in flagrante delicto. Again, these are easily accessible pictures from one of the most popular websites on the planet. As of press time, all of them were top images, unless otherwise specified. (Images have been censored for those working readers whose HR reps don't have an anilingus policy on the books).

#6. The Most Placid Fisting Ever

Seedfeeder/Wikimedia Commons

From The Wikipedia Page For: "Fisting"

Look at that lady's face. I'm sorry, nobody in the history of fisting -- whether fistee or fister -- has ever made that damn face. That's a beatific expression reserved for occasions like "a new delivery of wainscoting" or "a perfectly seasoned shepherd's pie" or "the third consecutive 67-degree day this week" -- not "becoming your own human hand puppet." This picture belongs on the album cover for Pure Moods for Fisting. (Also, what's up with the blue background? It's like a lazy day in the Fortress of Solitude.)

#5. Liza Minnelli, Turning into a Werewolf?

Seedfeeder/Wikimedia Commons

From The Wikipedia Page For: "Cum Shot"

Good gravy, that is some eyes of Dr. T.J. Eckleburg shit right there. Anyhow, there was no way we could run this picture unedited, but I also needed to convey how absolutely ghastly her overall facial expression is. The closest approximation I could find was Jaws' mouth flipped upside down. MS Paint, to the rescue.

#4. Whatever the Heck This Is

Seedfeeder/Wikimedia Commons

From The Wikipedia Page For: "Gonzo Pornography"

This picture is supposed to represent "point-of-view pornography," not "the miniature angel and devil that sit on characters' shoulders in Looney Tunes cartoons, blowing each other."

Also, I'm writing this particular entry in a coffee shop, so I really can't look at the above picture and let it inspire another rib-tickling turn of phrase. All I can really say is, uh, "Those kids really got moxie."

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Cyriaque Lamar

  • Rss

More by Cyriaque Lamar:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

1,096 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!