Are you familiar with Rule 34? If you're an Internet person, you immediately know what it means. If not, you've likely been victimized by it. Rule 34 is a fake yet surprisingly reliable "rule" of the Internet which states that if something exists, there is porn of it. And by something, we mean anything. Literally anything you may have seen or heard of before. Nazis, Golden Grahams, Care Bears, amputee hillbillies, the Koch brothers, whatever. There's porn.
Lots of people assume that Rule 34 is tongue in cheek, a bit of Internet culture hyperbole as a reaction to the abundance of curious porn that does exist. I argue that it is not. It is terrifyingly real. I have traveled down the rabbit hole and through the mouth of madness. I solved the puzzle box. I Googled the unGoogleable. And now, with the help of Photoshop censorship, I will share with you the awful truth of Rule 34. Get some popcorn!
#6. American Dad
There's a whole porn industry out there dedicated to making adult images out of your favorite cartoons. You want to see Shaggy plow Velma? There's pictures of it. George Jetson ramrodding Rosie the Robot? Oh yeah. You can even find Star Fox making a man out of Q-Bert if you look hard enough. But what cartoon do you think, more than any other, deserves a little pornograffiti? Yes. American Dad.
On the surface, you might question why I should elevate American Dad above any other cartoon. Why Seth MacFarlane's second and somewhat less popular dig at neocon super patriots? Two good reasons. One, American Dad features a bulbous-headed alien named Roger, and two, the porn someone created based on this was live action. There is live action Roger the alien from American Dad porn out there right now. Right now.
The idea of a malcontent, scrot-headed naked gray alien in a live action porno is, by now, not especially weird, but it's worth noting that the actor in the movie tries to replicate Roger's voice, and this is what a typical scene looks like:
That's a cowboy hat and a feather boa. Also, they didn't even put a sheet on the mattress, and everyone knows that's just insane. It's so slippy and weird. Yuck.
#5. A Panda's Lullaby
Pandas were invented by the Chinese in the 1960s as a way of marketing food in America. Their adorable appearance and can-do attitude made the world love them, and the fact that, for bears, they seem like they'd never disembowel you is a real selling point. God, just look at 'em!
How to fit pandas into porn is certainly a daunting question. Bestiality being one of the few kinds of porn even Cracked writers tend to wrinkle their noses at, it's not a big winner with most audiences. So if you really want to make panda porn, and I assure you that someone did, then you take the next logical step -- a story about a crazy girl who sees people in panda costumes everywhere getting gangbanged in a delusional bamboo forest. It starts as an aggressive gang rape scenario (with pandas) that quickly degenerates into the crazy girl in question being a willing participant, because panda rape is a turn-off, but rough panda sex is pretty OK.
The aftermath of every teddy bear's picnic.
Highlights of the film include multiple penetrations and sad shots of background pandas just masturbating in a lonely fashion while they wait their turn and struggle to breathe in their giant panda heads. Also, when it's all done, everyone curls up for a nap on the floor, except for one super creepy panda who just crouches and watches, his human hands hanging limp and suggesting that either they didn't get the gloves with his costume or this panda doesn't care enough about his craft to stay in character after the film's climax.
#4. Pterodactyl Dinosaur Spermo Plasmoids
Jurassic Park was the highest-grossing film of all time at the time of its release in 1993 and is now the 24th-highest-grossing film of all time. At no point in the film, the book it was based on, or any of its sequels does a lady have sex with three pterodactyls. You can look it up.
The pterodactyl porn is something of a porn video legend. I can find uploads from as far back as 2001 on the Internet and people in forums saying they'd seen it years earlier. How old is pterodactyl porn? Maybe no one knows. Maybe it's so old that those are real pterodactyls, we don't know. I mean, we know, because it's three guys in awful costumes, but shut up.
The relative age of the pterodactyl porn is startling. As you know, every year on the Internet is like 10 years in real life. Things rot and fester and become more despicable at least 10 times faster, so the fact that this thing has persevered is stunning, as is the fact that it was created way back when. We all like to think that when the Internet started it was nothing but recipes for bran muffins and gifs of kittens, but alas, that's not true at all.