The 6 Most Spectacular Dick Moves in Online Gaming History

Massively multiplayer online games are virtual worlds in which people do whatever they want. And just like the real world, all they want is to screw each other. We've looked at MMO dick moves twice before, but more time and money have gone into video game assholery than real proctological research. And more people have been shit on in the process.

"Time to put on my Warcrafting gloves!"

If gamers worked as hard on reality as they do on leveling up, politicians would come with ESRB warning labels, and after every school shooting, people would actually blame guns.

#6. Reverse Suicide Bombing (EVE Online)

Socratic was the gamer equivalent of the Iraq War: He was stupid, he wasted huge quantities of money and he lethally hated everyone who actually lived and worked in the area. He harvested real money transfers (RMTs), which is the gaming equivalent of taking steroids, and just as likely to mean that he has a tiny dick. And he was terrible at the game. He had a worse kill/death ratio than an anthill attacking an electric fence, and even less tactical knowledge.

EVE Online
So embarrassingly bad at games, even Pac-Man turns red.

He would brag about his giant fortune to the people who'd just killed him, show up 10 minutes later in a brand new ship, then boast from a second pile of smoking wreckage that the victors just couldn't afford to be blown up as often as he could. No one has pissed on so much money since Scrooge McDuck decided to just start going in the pool.

It still technically counts as golden.

This caused the unlikely team of a mercenary conman and an outraged player to reverse Trading Places him. Zedrik Cayne was already being paid to troll Socratic (yes, professional game troll is a job now, welcome to the future) when Morin Blain set up a classic inside-outside scam. Morin made friends with Socratic and suggested a cunning plan. Morin would attack Zedrik and force him to run to a safe spot in high security space. But Socratic would be secretly teamed up with Morin and waiting with an array of massive kill-everything bombs. Note: It is much easier to frame someone for murder when they're using massive kill-everything bombs. And you're prepared to die in the process. And they're an idiot.

"My revenge is complete!"

When Zedrik arrived and Socratic started the unstoppable detonation of that entire area of existence, Morin broke the alliance. Socratic was now randomly murdering a civilian, and 13 more civilians who suddenly leaped out of nowhere into the burning deathzone. These suicide bombees were other players who'd volunteered to doom Socratic, lemmings of justice leaping into explosions to ruin their enemy in high security space. Socratic was now the equivalent of a mass-murdering terrorist throwing grenades on the White House lawn.

It didn't end well. Those aren't speed lines, those are ALL INCOMING LASERS.

Warships of Concord, the in-game police, instantly appeared and shredded him, and after he was dead, he discovered his real problem: security status. At 0.0, you're neutral. At -2.0, you're attacked by police in the highest security systems. At -5.0, every single player in the game is encouraged to kill you in any secure system, and the automatic police navy will help. Socratic was now -9.8. He was double bin Laden in a world where the police have warp drives and every citizen is armed, and would be shot on sight if he returned to lawful space to collect any of his belongings.

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Luke McKinney

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