#3. The F-Cup Cookie
The F-Cup Cookie is a boob-enhancing Twinkie that is said to contain large amounts of an herbal breast enhancer called Pueraria mirifica, a natural medicine that is apparently pretty well known in the Orient. You can tell it's a trustworthy, certified medical product because it comes in a pink box with sparkles and pictures of boobs.
"FDA, bleh-DA, right, guys?"
Curiously enough, Pueraria mirifica actually seems to have some estrogen-enhancing properties if used correctly and responsibly. Even more strangely, at least one user reports that F-Cup Cookies did indeed increase her breast size a little. However, this tiny change took months of daily consumption and went away as soon as she stopped using the product.
Hey, you know what else can increase your breast size if you eat it every day for months? Normal cookies. Chocolate. Lard. Literally anything that makes you fatter.
I'll just leave this here.
#2. Breast Massage Bras
I made a terrible mistake in the 1990s. My mistake was that I completely neglected to buy one of those ab toning belts that infomercials were courteously offering for the measly price of $79.99.
Ah, to be young again and hear the siren call of the electric hernia belt.
As a direct result of this terrible decision, I constantly have to exercise in order to combat the bulbous spare tire that is ever threatening to turn my waistline into a saggy mound of depression.
Ladies, I beg of you: Learn from my mistakes -- acquire a Pangao breast enhancer today.
Yes, that's a goddamn toning belt for your boobs; a toning bra, if you will. Never again do you have to dread that your breasts will lose their fight to gravity, sag, and/or spontaneously grow spider legs and crawl away while you sleep. This thing will keep them good, perky, and shackled.
This product may look like a particularly unfortunate prop from a lost Joel Schumacher Batman movie, but the Pangao breast enhancer claims all sorts of benefits for its user: Not only can it stimulate the breast, it will also accelerate blood circulation and "activate cell renewal and hormone secretion through physical massage with forceful vibration," which is probably not half as painful and dubious as it sounds. Pangao also promises to make the breasts "graceful and rounded, sexy and youthful."
"Hey, that actually sounds pretty awesome!"
Oh, and there's also a bunch of stuff about "dredging breast glands," "eliminating blood stasis," and "obvious hunch available," but I'm sure that's just marketing jargon and can safely be disregarded.
#1. Nipple Dyes
John Carnemolla/iStock/Getty Images
As we established earlier, our society tends to rank nipples somewhere between Cthulhu and the Taliban on our "things we don't want to encounter on a trip to the mall" scale. But did you know there are actually many people who quite enjoy viewing them in our off time?
And on time. And stand-by time.
Still, even privately displayed nipples have their pitfalls. Let's say you meet a nice person, enjoy a great evening out with them, and find yourself in a situation where getting hot and bothered is a welcome addition to the proceedings. As things take their natural course, you slowly, sexily start removing your clothes. And then, the other person bursts out laughing at the ridiculous color of your nipples, picks up their stuff, and marches out the door -- all the way pointing at your chest and screaming like he was Donald Sutherland and you were about to be Body Snatchered so damn hard.
via Henna King
By which they mean you should rub this shit all over your areolae.
Yes, someone out there has foreseen the potential of people actually being dissatisfied with the horrifying color of their nipples. To solve this life-threatening problem, they have selflessly created various dye creams to help nipples finally achieve that "perfect, pert look" they have so long been denied by cruel nature.
These dyes are available in all-natural colors, such as "charcoal black," "sunset," and "raisin glaze," which to us non-experts seems like a fairly poor moniker for a breast product.
Not to start debates with marketing professionals, but is this really an image you want to associate with your areola creams?
Strangely enough, women have met these revolutionary products with bafflement and barely contained sarcasm, as if they -- or, indeed, anyone -- wouldn't appreciate painting their nipples with weird colors that the manufacturer promises are "kiss-proof."
Man, isn't that depressing? You could almost think that women don't want to be force-fed bullshit beauty ideals that stem from porn, fashion, and gossip magazines.
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