Every time I'm on a date with someone new, I wish that I could skip to when we've already broken up and are deciding whether or not to hide each other on Facebook or unfriend each other entirely. That would make things way easier.
Have you ever been one of many dudes trying to get a girl's attention at a bar? Take that impotent, terrible frustration and put it in front of millions of people, and you have reality dating shows. But, since you're all Cracked readers, I assume that you snag the attraction of any lovely lady/handsome guy that walks by, because you're people of exquisite taste. These six things, not so much.
#6. Christopher Mendoza -- Seducing Cindy
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The subject of Seducing Cindy, Cindy Margolis, was in the 2000 edition of the Guinness Book of World Records as the "most downloaded person" in 1999, a fact that the show wails at you as often as possible in a futile attempt to endear you to her. "MOST DOWNLOADED! MOST DOWNLOADED! GAH, ACCEPT HER!" As you might guess, the objective of the show is for Margolis to find true love. She spends most of her time making out with every contestant and then complains to the camera that she feels guilty about it, so I guess you're supposed to support her because she ... talks more than everyone else? Her only defining characteristics are "hot" and "older," so I guess the producers felt that by the time the finale rolled around we'd be Stockholm-Syndromed into digging her.
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Hollywood personality type 48B1H-9Q.
Enter contestant Christopher Mendoza, the human equivalent of a moist towelette, who arrives on the show only to immediately be mocked by the other contestants for absolutely no reason at all. The rest of the cast really doesn't like him, and they constantly let him know and confront him about it. This quickly draws the question: are the other cast members bullies, or am I missing something by not loathing him from the start? Eventually, you lean toward the latter answer. Mendoza has a gravitational pull of hatred. Every orbiting body around him seems to be thrust into wanting to curb-stomp him simply for being alive. If one of the cast members was revealed to be the reanimated flesh of Ted Bundy, people would make a toast to FrankenTed, because he isn't Mendoza.
Mendoza, his face shaped like his own ass cheek, takes his lumps and then whines about it, never standing up for himself throughout the whole season. At a certain point, you'd think that there would be some kind of character arc for him, where he finally grows a backbone and yells through his mouthful of toilet water for the other guys to leave him alone. Sadly, it's not to be, and his hero's journey follows a flaccid trajectory all the way to getting sent home.
His interactions with Margolis are equally depressing, as he can never quite muster the energy to have anything more than these moody, bleak confessionals with her. The other guys make the effort to at least brighten her day, but Mendoza is unable to get past figuratively offering to tongue-wash Margolis' diaper, should that be one of the challenges. His conversations are all full of sad dedications, where he promises to love her, something that never comes to fruition, as I imagine Margolis was too preoccupied with the rotting smell emanating from her own ovaries that flared up whenever Mendoza got too close.
There's no reason for it, but I just punched my monitor out of sheer reflex.
#5. Rachel, Brittany, Lindsay -- Making Mr. Right
For a dating show, the idea behind Making Mr. Right is needlessly complicated. Typically, all you have to do is stick a person in a room with 25 contestants who all want to bone that person and hope that the contestants end up calling each other "bitches" enough for ratings to stay high. In Making Mr. Right, we have three women who pose as matchmakers in order to evaluate the male contestants' behavior on dates, only to reveal, eight weeks later, that it was all a lie and that the matchmakers are actually the ones looking to find love. It's a masterful plan, Goldfinger, one that is completely undone by the beginning of the second fucking episode.
It doesn't help the ladies' causes that they completely ignore the premise of the show as soon as they talk to the guys. Rather than try to act like authoritative love gurus, they fall apart, choosing favorites and leaving you to remember the other participants only when they are inevitably eliminated. I've never tried to pretend to be a date wizard in order to spy on people's intimate moments in the hopes of sleeping with one of those people, but my approach would be more subtle than "I like that shirt! That shirt looks good on you! If a date goes sour, we should hang out, because I like you!"
"I love how psychotic you are! Have you ever eaten a baby?"
The original premise of Making Mr. Right lasts a grand total of about 45 minutes before the dudes dismantle the ploy and basically use it as an excuse to flirt and make out with as many girls as possible before being eliminated. Meanwhile, Rachel, Brittany, and Lindsay watch all of it from their secret Bat Cave-esque monitor room, shocked. "How could he be doing this? I can't take this! How could our plans have gone so awry?"
#4. Zaza -- Take Me Out
A dating show hosted by George Lopez needs a shot in the arm every once in a while. In between the greatest puns that a writing team devoted entirely to ending Lopez's career can create, and women whose only character traits seem to be "I am hoping to get laid as hell," the human attention span requires a healthy dose of crazy. Thus, like a gift from God, Zaza was handed to us, and Take Me Out rose above numbing mediocrity for a few minutes of every episode.
The way the show works is that a man goes on stage, we're treated to various video packages showcasing him lifting weights and standing on boats and shit, and then female panelists individually choose to either stay in the game or vote themselves out. In the end, the dude picks between the unlucky women who have decided to give love a final, fatal effort. A more accurate title for Take Me Out would be Only 8 Percent of Women Like You.
See those red lights of rejection? That is the world, son. That is the world.
All in all, it's pretty lighthearted, which makes it that much easier for Zaza to transcend it completely. In the third episode, Zaza tries to explain to Lopez that a contestant reminds her of an ex, and instead of having his usual insipid banter with her like he does with the other girls, Lopez abandons her to wallow in the confusion of the audience. In the fourth episode, Zaza's buzzer breaks, so she attempts to remove her name card and hide behind her podium. In the fifth episode, she compares another contestant to an ex and Lopez bluntly asks her, "Why does he have to pay for your ex-boyfriend's mistakes?" Is it a joke? Is it Lopez attempting to provide some kind of emotional counseling for her? We'll never know, because he once again leaves her stuttering and struggling to make sense of the harsh reality that Take Me Out has provided for her.
In the final episode of this terrible human experiment, Zaza, apparently afflicted by a bizarre form of Stockholm Syndrome, says that if she doesn't find a man tonight, she'll follow Lopez onto the "love lift," which is what the contestants enter the stage on, and "get a cookie from that cookie jar." Most of my knowledge of sexual metaphors comes from Lil Wayne songs, so as far as I can tell, Zaza is threatening to just bang Lopez if no one else suits her. The show ended with Zaza never finding her match, so we can only assume that she made good on her promise. And, Lopez: you have only yourself to blame.